How on earth do I date as a widow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part vent, part seeking any actual input. I’m a young (30s) widow, with two young kids. I’m ready to date but, good lord, how on earth do I meet men who are okay with this situation? I feel so alone because this situation is so rare. I feel like men my age aren’t interested because, even if they’re okay with kids, they’re worried I haven’t fully “left” my husband (I mean, they aren’t totally wrong, a terrible disease took the love of my life from me, it’s not like I’m eager to forget him and burn all the pictures). Therapy got me to a place where I’m mentally and emotionally ready to seek companionship again, but I don’t even know how to begin and feel overwhelmed at the prospect of the potential dating pool being so small. You already hear so much about it being so hard for women my age, to add kids, plus widowhood, it just sounds impossible.

There are young fathers out there who lost their spouse to death or divorce. They should he able to relate to you, more so if they tok have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date ten years older than you and it will work out better.

More mature, professionally and financially settled, grounded in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part vent, part seeking any actual input. I’m a young (30s) widow, with two young kids. I’m ready to date but, good lord, how on earth do I meet men who are okay with this situation? I feel so alone because this situation is so rare. I feel like men my age aren’t interested because, even if they’re okay with kids, they’re worried I haven’t fully “left” my husband (I mean, they aren’t totally wrong, a terrible disease took the love of my life from me, it’s not like I’m eager to forget him and burn all the pictures). Therapy got me to a place where I’m mentally and emotionally ready to seek companionship again, but I don’t even know how to begin and feel overwhelmed at the prospect of the potential dating pool being so small. You already hear so much about it being so hard for women my age, to add kids, plus widowhood, it just sounds impossible.

There are young fathers out there who lost their spouse to death or divorce. They should he able to relate to you, more so if they tok have kids.

I know of two couples who met at mixed gender widow/widower support groups.

Both couples entered the marriage with their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss. Honestly, I don’t think it is any different than a divorced mom with kids.

[Anonymous]

You're a jackpot! Many men don't want babies (medium sized kids?! Yes please!) and no man wants to deal with the ex who has custody 50/50. Sure there's still some emotionally immature men who can't handle a woman who has gone through tragedy, but there's good men out there as well where you're the golden egg. Get on some apps, test the waters, don't settle and own how amazing you and your kids are!

[Anonymous]

I do t think your situation is much different than mine. 30s, divorced, full custody of young kids, dad lives in another city so not really in the picture. Personally I’m focused on healing and giving 100% to my kids during this hard time. Can’t imagine wanting to date!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a jackpot! Many men don't want babies (medium sized kids?! Yes please!) and no man wants to deal with the ex who has custody 50/50. Sure there's still some emotionally immature men who can't handle a woman who has gone through tragedy, but there's good men out there as well where you're the golden egg. Get on some apps, test the waters, don't settle and own how amazing you and your kids are!

I guess I will be the voice of dissent and say I think it's worse than divorce with 50/50 custody solely because you have the kids 100% of the time. I think that will make it much harder to date and I think 100% custody is less appealing than 50/50 with minimal drama (big assumption here of course).

That's not a slam against you btw, I just think the practical realities of dating are going to be harder too. You will always need a sitter before a date rather than dating on off custody days.

I think this could be mitigated if you have significant family support. Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

^edit. I don't think the widow factor is that much different than divorce insofar as it's fine both cases if you don't have a lot of baggage. It sounds like you're in a good place regarding his loss so I think you will present as a normal person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine was widowed young. I know she found some good groups on Facebook for support, and even more importantly, an in-person support group. I think you may find it helpful to find other women in similar situations.

My friend’s situation was a bit unusual, as she was pregnant with their first child when her husband died. She had a lot of healing to do before she was ready for another relationship. She’s since met a really great guy and they’ve been together a few years. Best of luck to you.

My sister was widowed when pregnant with her first child, too. She did find it difficult to go on dates because she obviously had her child full time. But she did date a lot of great guys and eventually found a great divorced man with 2 kids. Best of luck to you, OP. It is tough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

This has weight. I wouldn't want to expose my kids to random strangers and with a job, kids and household responsibilities, wouldn't have time to do dating or courtship, your mielage may vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for your loss. I am not in this situation but I have friends that were. It is similar to a divorce in a way. There is no right time universally, it is whenever you feel it is right. Who cares about the pictures in your home? The potential men should not be in your home…

OP here. Thanks for the sympathy. I think you’re reading too literally into my exaggerated metaphor (“burn” the pictures of my spouse). All I meant, I guess, was I’m afraid that any partner will be put off by the emotional “relationship” I still have with my late husband. Let’s not put the cart before the horse by making assumptions about when I would or wouldn’t have any future partner into my home — I’m just trying to figure out how to take the first steps here!

NP - with respect to the first few dates, I don't think many will think about it. I'm sure some will swipe left, or whatever the direction is, if they see you're a widow, but for most men, if you're fun, interesting and attractive there won't be any obstacles.

It may become an issue as you start to get serious with someone - you'll have to find someone who is self-confident enough to accept your continued (and likely forever) attachment to your first husband, without being so self-confident that he's a narcissistic d-bag. I can honestly say that in my 30s, I wasn't self-confident enough to be that guy - I am now, but that has a lot to do with my wife of 20 years.

I'm sorry for your loss, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

Incredibly high? Really? Do you have numbers to back this up? Or is it just paranoia?

[Anonymous]

You’ll have no problem meeting potential dates. I just don’t see where you’ll find the time to date them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

My next door neighbors each loss their spouse at a young age and each had young children.

Mr. Larlo met Mrs. Larla as Mrs. Larla was Mr.Larlo's sons second grade teacher. His son was not doing well in school as he had an eye disease. Mrs. Larla did not want to date. Mr. Larlo took things slowly. He had met a lot of desperate women on the dating scene and it turned him off. They ended up getting married and were happy for decades until they each passed.

Take things slowly.

There are some widow/widower support groups available also.