How on earth do I date as a widow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not date. If you look for someone 10 years older, you'll become a live in nurse. Plus if you have young kids the risk of a male sexually abusing them is incredibly high. Wait until you kids are grown.

Incredibly high? Really? Do you have numbers to back this up? Or is it just paranoia?

DP, it’s just common sense that this situation exposes itself to predators. I wouldn’t say it’s a very high risk, but it’s much higher than the typical split 50-50 custody of divorce, where the other parent is around and critical of new partners. I would be on high alert in OP’s shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

I think you misunderstand me, I’m not saying go out clubbing or sleeping around. But meeting new people can be fun, there are lots of activities that are fun and don’t conflict much with parenting, and having social interactions that develop over time into dating is important too. Maybe start by going for a walk in a park with someone?

[Anonymous]

This is a good thing to talk to your therapist about, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

I think you misunderstand me, I’m not saying go out clubbing or sleeping around. But meeting new people can be fun, there are lots of activities that are fun and don’t conflict much with parenting, and having social interactions that develop over time into dating is important too. Maybe start by going for a walk in a park with someone?

Yes, a single woman should go walk alone in the park with someone? With who? A stranger?!? Her kids have already lost a parent, should they lose another?

We don’t know the age of the children, but if she’s only in her 30s, they’re probably very young. They might not even be in school yet. What activities aren’t going to conflict with taking care of a three year old?

You sound very Pollyanna about this situation. I agree, OP, should be talking to counselor about this, not random people who have no idea what they’re talking about on the internet.

[Anonymous]

You say exactly that, OP. You had a great marriage, tragically lost your spouse, and you took the time and space to process that with your kids before you started dating again, and now feel open to doing that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find someone great. Be kind to yourself and don’t settle for less than you or your kids deserve.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be open about your brief but also be clear that you want to move on. I have dated two windows. Both talked about their exes a lot BUT one was clearly in the next phase of her life and one was not.

One big difference I noticed was home decor. As a man, I prefer not to visit a home with photos of the deceased on every shelf and every wall, and with stuff from his hobbies all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I didn't finish the last post.

I wouldn't erase all memory of the man. I'd have a small number of family photos out, in one place. A dignified memorial seems fine. But I'd be careful not to make it look like a ghost lives in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

There will be time enough for companionship once they have launched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is awkward. Maybe just focus on your 2 kids right now.

This. You should focus on your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

There will be time enough for companionship once they have launched.

So, someone who has a baby and loses a spouse shouldn't have any companionship for the next 21 years?

That's absurd. Obviously, someone would need to take some time to grieve, and help the children with their grief, but OP seems to have done that, and is ready to explore new relationships. She should proceed slowly, probably starting with meeting away from her home, and not involving her children. But wanting and seeking companionship is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is awkward. Maybe just focus on your 2 kids right now.

This. You should focus on your children.

Do you euphemistically mean “never date”? If so, let’s be clear about it. I was divorced and was always “focused on my children.” They were always the priority, but I did get to date again (and remarry).

OP, a few helpful responses are in the thread here. Please ignore the ones that say that you should never date, ever, and be a spinster forever. (No one would ever tell a widower man that!) When you’re emotionally ready — and because you asked the question, we should assume that you are — dip a toe into the dating pool. Don’t expect everything to happen immediately. You’ll meet some duds, but some good ones, too. Maybe something will gradually become a long-term thing, and maybe not. But dating is supposed to be fun, and starting to have fun again is precisely what you deserve after what you’ve been through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

There will be time enough for companionship once they have launched.

So, someone who has a baby and loses a spouse shouldn't have any companionship for the next 21 years?

That's absurd. Obviously, someone would need to take some time to grieve, and help the children with their grief, but OP seems to have done that, and is ready to explore new relationships. She should proceed slowly, probably starting with meeting away from her home, and not involving her children. But wanting and seeking companionship is fine.

+1. In fact, I think it would be actively harmful to send young people the message that the death of a partner means you get no more companionship again for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: A young widow with two young kids is far more attractive to men than a young divorcee with two young kids. You don’t have any ex spousal baggage and custody issues. Just let your friends know that you’d be interested in meeting someone and you will do fine.

+1. It will be easier than you think. Just try to have fun for now and go slow.

Please do share how she’s supposed to “try to have fun” when she has several young children at home who are dealing with the trauma of losing their father? Is she just supposed to drop them while meeting up with random dudes from Hinge?

I feel like the people making these comments are not parents. The logistics involved with OP dating are huge. She can’t just go out and try to have fun. She needs to take a step back and focus on her children.

I think you misunderstand me, I’m not saying go out clubbing or sleeping around. But meeting new people can be fun, there are lots of activities that are fun and don’t conflict much with parenting, and having social interactions that develop over time into dating is important too. Maybe start by going for a walk in a park with someone?

Yes, a single woman should go walk alone in the park with someone? With who? A stranger?!? Her kids have already lost a parent, should they lose another?

We don’t know the age of the children, but if she’s only in her 30s, they’re probably very young. They might not even be in school yet. What activities aren’t going to conflict with taking care of a three year old?

You sound very Pollyanna about this situation. I agree, OP, should be talking to counselor about this, not random people who have no idea what they’re talking about on the internet.

A public park, during the daytime when other people are there, is a very safe place to be. Your paranoia is bizarre.

Single parents, whether widowed or divorced, are allowed to hire babysitters or drop their kids with grandparents, or trade babysitting with friends who are also parents. Just like married parents do.