Introvert husband - social life

[Anonymous]

I guess op can clarify if she wants but my reading of the post was that it was an adults St Pats thing - not with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

He sounds adhd or asd.

Otherwise he would have made his own friends and family friends by now via his social desires and social interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

But OP said it's been a decline and it's not just the neighborhood get togethers -- "he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around." and "the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families."

This is not normal necessarily. I'm an introvert with twins and even when my kids were tiny and exhausting, I needed some form of human adult interaction that was not my spouse on a regular basis and to leave my house or I would lose it.

+1 the OP provided several examples of her spouse not engaging in life.

I’m more worried how he’ll be in 1-2 years if he’s this checked out and shutdown after only three years of kids.

I hope he makes $500k++ a year, OP is going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Op, your post resonated with me. I am also married to an introvert who rarely wants to leave the house. I also think that our social life suffers because of him. We have very few couple friends but I have a lot of friends myself. My DH is fine in small groups but says nothing at parties and is just not a guy’s guy, so the husbands have a hard time getting to know him and probably write him off as shy, dorky or even an ahole. So, we don’t get invited out much at all. Frankly, it sucks.

My sister’s husband is the opposite of DH and they have tons of friends, this translates into them getting invited out a lot and to their friends’ various vacation homes and on great, fun trips. Basically, they are living life to the fullest while we stay at home night after night and watch Office reruns.
If he weren’t a good husband and father, I’d be long gone. Life is too short to sit around the house all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your post resonated with me. I am also married to an introvert who rarely wants to leave the house. I also think that our social life suffers because of him. We have very few couple friends but I have a lot of friends myself. My DH is fine in small groups but says nothing at parties and is just not a guy’s guy, so the husbands have a hard time getting to know him and probably write him off as shy, dorky or even an ahole. So, we don’t get invited out much at all. Frankly, it sucks.

My sister’s husband is the opposite of DH and they have tons of friends, this translates into them getting invited out a lot and to their friends’ various vacation homes and on great, fun trips. Basically, they are living life to the fullest while we stay at home night after night and watch Office reruns.
If he weren’t a good husband and father, I’d be long gone. Life is too short to sit around the house all day.

17:37 poster here. This is my situation, too. I hear stories from other people who travels with other families, who have friends over for dinner, take fun road trips, and I’m lucky if I can convince my husband to drive to a new restaurant in town. He works from home all day and is just fine never seeing anyone. We moved to our new area several years ago, it was a place he wanted to move to, and now post Covid he never leaves the house unless I push for something. I don’t think he could care less if we have friends and people to enjoy the weekends with.

And yes, same issue there— he’s not a guy’s guy so he never really connects well with other men who he could get to know better or go fishing with, or even just enjoy talking to over a bbq. Unfortunately, it most likely results in others thinking he’s aloof or a jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP, When it warms up invite the other couples and kids over for barbeque/grilling out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

I don’t know, because DH has his own activities and we don’t get left out of things. People don’t leave us out because I am shy or want to stay home. OP could be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

I don’t know, because DH has his own activities and we don’t get left out of things. People don’t leave us out because I am shy or want to stay home. OP could be part of the problem.

Do you have small kids, though, who still rely on you for opening doors to the world and having other families over? My kids hardly have this experience and my husband doesn’t really care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, don’t your sense of self.
Most humans ARE social and need community socialization. Don’t let an introvert or aspie or homebody isolate you and your kids.

Yes that means you will be in charge of handling any family holidays, traditions, athletic teams, vacations, family friend gatherings. Don’t expect your seclusive spouse to care about any of that, maybe just for photo ops with his kids. Dig into also if his folks didn’t care about or do any of that. Sometimes the mom is too overwhelmed to do it, other times she’s introverted or other things and doesn’t care. So the kids miss out on basic experiences. So what. She thinks going to the library or hanging out at the sheet music shop after school is the way to go.

+1

I thought my spouse grew up poor since they never took actual vacations- only house guested at grandmas house, never played sports, only had 5 shirts and 3 slacks, and mainly took piano lessons and studied. They didn’t do Xmas presents either.

Find out years later the parents are cheap but loaded with $5m and cash cow rental properties but also are all on the autism spectrum so don’t care about socializing, vacations, life experiences, eating out, sports, trying new foods or anything they aren’t already fixated on. They also think anyone who doesn’t do exactly what they do for their meal rituals or their days at home on screens or books are “crazy.” Sports for kids are also “unnecessary.” As are bday parties or cake or presents. No need. Beach trips? Stupid. You bought a new gift in London on a trip? How dumb, could have sewn that yourself.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. It’s also very hard going solo with kids to all the get togethers. I’m pretty annoyed and not sure how much longer I can stand this. The post above from the poster who ended up separating makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same OP. He had a group of friends and a normal social life when I met him, but after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage it has deteriorated to the point where he doesn’t want to ever leave the house for any reason or interact with anyone outside of his family. He’s very hands on with the kids and has a good job making $300k+, but I had to function like a single mom when it came to any type of social event, travel, or basically any activity more than a few minutes away from home. He never wanted to do anything alone with me either, all he wanted was to watch YouTube on the couch in silence. Every attempt to talk to him about it was shut down with “I’m just tired because of work and the kids, it’ll get better later.” It never got better and we are separated now because I can’t live the rest of my life that way. I will say that since I moved out he’s actually gotten a lot more serious about his one hobby sport and has actually made some friends through the classes and matches, and I’m really glad to see that. Personally I’m so much happier without the constant presence of his negative energy and silent disapproval every time I made social plans.

OP here - this response struck out at me because I can easily picture us heading down this path if things don't change soon. It's not just this one-off party snub but indicative of a bigger pattern/trend. He is the breadwinner by far but I also work FT and still do 99% of everything kid/house/pet related. I'm exhausted too but can't just plop down on the couch all weekend and check out from everything like does.

Did you try therapy, medical testing etc before separation to see if there is some underlying cause that can be fixed, or just accept that this is how he is going to be going forward? I want to gently encourage my DH to get some kind of help (therapy? depression screening? blood workup for anemia/low-T/something?) but I don't know where to start.

Sorry to be this person, but he could be having an affair. This sounds exactly like what mine did before I caught him.

Intentionally checked out, noncommunicative, mean & nasty, didn’t want to associate himself with me and the kids. Had better things on his mind. He acted too busy and too important for us anymore.

I’m divorced and now that I am, I realize how terrible our future looked with him.

I’m so happy he cheated on me. Best gift ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

I don’t know, because DH has his own activities and we don’t get left out of things. People don’t leave us out because I am shy or want to stay home. OP could be part of the problem.

Do you have small kids, though, who still rely on you for opening doors to the world and having other families over? My kids hardly have this experience and my husband doesn’t really care.

Honestly, you can provide this for your children without much help from your husband.

I say this as the female- I am kind and don’t embarrass myself in public but everyone expects me to be the social planner because I am the wife and I am simply not inclined to be that person.

So my husband happily took that on because that is who he is. And he doesn’t make me feel bad or like a burden, even though no one expects the man to be the one planning these things and coordinating with other people. But he found a way. People are not leaving us out because of me, even though I can be plenty awkward and quiet. I see a lot of women on this thread blaming their husbands for this but I’m not sure it’s fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 7 years and have 2 small children. Moved out to a suburb 2 years ago and quickly fell in with a group of other young families in our neighborhood. I get invited to all of the book clubs and ladies nights etc, but have recently learned that whenever they get together as couples recently we are not included

These "events" were obviously all contrived for the women by the women. They sound excruciating, it is no surprise that your DH doesn't want to be involved. The other husbands who are there probably also hate it but are putting up with it because their wives insist.

When our kids were under 5, I'd coordinate with the other dads to do things with our kids - basically, a play date - but at least I could talk to another man while the kids were running around in the playground or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 7 years and have 2 small children. Moved out to a suburb 2 years ago and quickly fell in with a group of other young families in our neighborhood. I get invited to all of the book clubs and ladies nights etc, but have recently learned that whenever they get together as couples recently we are not included

I can't help but think this is because of him. He has always been kind of an introvert but was able to fake it when we were younger and dating, but now he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around. I chalked it up to his stressful job and the stress of life w/ 2 under 3. I'm so bummed - the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families.

Not really a question, just venting after seeing pics of a St. Patty's party we were not invited to. Oh well.

Sounds like you're blaming your husband when it could be your husband, you, and/or your own kids. Who knows. The neighbors can of course invite you and your family even if they suspect your husband won't show. Are you in group chats and emails with all the neighbors? It would be very strange if we deleted a family from all the stuff we plan as a group. And it would not be just because so and so's husband is a bit of a recluse.