Introvert husband - social life

[Anonymous]

I could have written the OP or this response. Have been living this way since our kids were around 12 years ago. DH has always been introverted but over the years slid into something I’d characterize differently. No energy, never wants to leave the house, barely any interest in talking to people or seeing friends. He will do the minimum to keep me sort of happy and not be a complete outcast. I always chalked it up to exhaustion from career and kids on top of introversion. Recently I started seeing it from a different light when a health issue flared up and anxiety and depression did too. He finally agreed to try meds for that and I’m waiting to see if it helps. It was only the acute issue that convinced him, he otherwise does not believe he has an issue. I’m sad about what the kids and I are missing out on, and am working on finding compromise approaches that will meet everyone’s needs - like I travel for work instead of making him travel with me, and I take the kids one at a time on trips instead of making him go on big trips with the whole family. I don’t know if this will work, but could be a start. Maybe it’s possible for you to find approaches like this too OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same OP. He had a group of friends and a normal social life when I met him, but after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage it has deteriorated to the point where he doesn’t want to ever leave the house for any reason or interact with anyone outside of his family. He’s very hands on with the kids and has a good job making $300k+, but I had to function like a single mom when it came to any type of social event, travel, or basically any activity more than a few minutes away from home. He never wanted to do anything alone with me either, all he wanted was to watch YouTube on the couch in silence. Every attempt to talk to him about it was shut down with “I’m just tired because of work and the kids, it’ll get better later.” It never got better and we are separated now because I can’t live the rest of my life that way. I will say that since I moved out he’s actually gotten a lot more serious about his one hobby sport and has actually made some friends through the classes and matches, and I’m really glad to see that. Personally I’m so much happier without the constant presence of his negative energy and silent disapproval every time I made social plans.

OP here - this response struck out at me because I can easily picture us heading down this path if things don't change soon. It's not just this one-off party snub but indicative of a bigger pattern/trend. He is the breadwinner by far but I also work FT and still do 99% of everything kid/house/pet related. I'm exhausted too but can't just plop down on the couch all weekend and check out from everything like does.

Did you try therapy, medical testing etc before separation to see if there is some underlying cause that can be fixed, or just accept that this is how he is going to be going forward? I want to gently encourage my DH to get some kind of help (therapy? depression screening? blood workup for anemia/low-T/something?) but I don't know where to start.

[Anonymous]

It might get better as your kids get older. Parenting little kids is exhausting. When life is such that he gets more alone time and quiet, he may be more interested in social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

He sounds adhd or asd.

Otherwise he would have made his own friends and family friends by now via his social desires and social interests.

+1

Open your eyes OP. Read up on NT/AS "relationships. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

He sounds adhd or asd.

Otherwise he would have made his own friends and family friends by now via his social desires and social interests.

+1

Open your eyes OP. Read up on NT/AS "relationships. Good luck.

+2. I’m in this club too, OP. I’m surprised it took 4 pages for someone to mention it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he may have untreated adhd and lives in a perpetual state of overwhelm. It’s hard for people who don’t live with it to understand what it can do to you and I know it can be frustrating for all involved.

Your lives will change a lot for the better if he puts in the work to get treatment. It doesn’t have to be a relationship death sentence.

[Anonymous]

They are not really your friends. Ask why you were not invited.

[Anonymous]

My wife left me because she could no longer deal with me being an introvert. I am just a home body. She met a new guy, remarried 2 years later, and just heard from our daughter that she has filed for divorce 9 months after tying the knots. Maybe the guy was more introverted than me lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

Do you have a job earns $300k plus? I do and it is nonstop meetings. I am exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around. I am very content to hangout with my very tight circle of family and a couple friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you plan a party and invite the couples?

Came here to say the same. That's what I would do and that's what I do. My husband is an introvert. However, I invite people over often. Almost always after everyone leaves and we are cleaning up. He says, "that was fun, I didn't think it would be but it was fun"

Don't give up, OP and don't allow your DH to give up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

Do you have a job earns $300k plus? I do and it is nonstop meetings. I am exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around. I am very content to hangout with my very tight circle of family and a couple friends.

Nonstop meetings is stupid and unproductive.

Send a scribe next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. It’s also very hard going solo with kids to all the get togethers. I’m pretty annoyed and not sure how much longer I can stand this. The post above from the poster who ended up separating makes sense.

Separating/divorcing can also in and of itself lead to not being included in events with families so the grass may not be greener. Tread carefully. You may also then need to move, live in a rental and not live in a family centric social neighborhood anymore. Once divorced you will be solo with the kids 100% of the time, or alone.