Introvert husband - social life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the introvert in our marriage, and I still get invited to a lot more things (book clubs, girls nights, parties, etc) than DH does. These things are typically only women, and the men don’t seem to do as much. 10-15 years ago, when our oldest kids were little, DH used to get together with other men to go golfing or play video games. But something has shifted, and it’s like men aren’t allowed to socialize without their families anymore.

I don’t know what’s going on with the parties. I was just thinking that I hosted a party yesterday, and I didn’t invite everyone in my book club. I’m the introvert, so I focused on inviting the families of my kids’ friends. And when you invite families, the numbers add up quickly. I invited 6 friends, 4 of them came with their families, and there were a total of 24 people here last night. It could have looked like a big party, but it wasn’t.

My thought is that if you want to get invited more often, then you need to host more. You kind of have to make a little group that you are a member of. Like, “oh, we can’t invite Mary without also inviting Melissa.”

Anyway, I doubt it’s an issue with your husband. The men aren’t the ones organizing these things.

Totally agree with this. Hosting more is definitely the way to cement yourself. It's a lot of work but it is fun. We host a lot because my son is neurodivergent and does better on his own turf.

Pp here, and this is why I host as well! DS15 needs to take breaks, and it’s pretty weird if he’s 1:1 with another kid. So we host parties, and he can go to his room and come back, and it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Well you weren’t actually invited so I don’t see how it’s his fault? Sounds like you were snubbed! Could it be they’re rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a neighborhood where every couple is like the OP - the wives socialize with each other while the husbands stay home.

Are you all in your 60s and 70s?

They are probably in their 30s. There is a weird shift in the amount of time men are expected to be with their kids now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

How did you behave when you had young kids to raise? Or tweens? Or teens?

Just stay inside and knit, wish them well for the weekend?

No. You suck up and parent, teach, coach, develop, show.

Uh no. Good parenting does not equal socializing with all the neighbors all the time. GMAB.

Didn’t catch that, what did you do for 18 years of child raising?

Made sure I went to every social event with copious amounts of beer and alcohol? /s
I mean what else do you do at a St. Patrick's Day party?

Thx for another non response.

Try again: How did you behave when you had young kids to raise? Or tweens? Or teens?

My long time friends and the people I socialize most (when we have the time!) with are either family or long time friends that do not have kids my kids' age.

My kids have plenty of friends at school and in activities. Once they were around fourth or fifth grade, I stopped orchestrating social events/playdates. They were old enough to plan things on their own. I'd usually text the parent to make sure everything was OK and drive them (or host) whenever they needed it. Kids need to learn how to navigate social situations and find their own tribe.

Frankly, I'm glad I didn't get too involved with my kids' parents. Friendships change a lot between kids over the years. I've seen quite a bit of fallout because someone is excluded. It's a common topic on this board! I found that once they are in middle school things shift. My kids are in high school and doing just fine. They have very low drama friend groups and I'm glad about that!

My response my have been flippant, but we are on a post about missing a St. Patrick's Day party. That doesn't equal social suicide, nor does not being part of a cliquey neighborhood group. This sort of thing may be important to you, but I assure you it's not an essential part of good parenting and my children are just fine and thriving. The OP might be sad, but she can always host if these kinds of parties are important to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a neighborhood where every couple is like the OP - the wives socialize with each other while the husbands stay home.

Are you all in your 60s and 70s?

They are probably in their 30s. There is a weird shift in the amount of time men are expected to be with their kids now.

Huh?
Kids age 3 are in bed before 8pm. Go to the gym or grab an old fashioned then. Less traffic too, can get downtown or to Gtown in 20 mins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a neighborhood where every couple is like the OP - the wives socialize with each other while the husbands stay home.

Are you all in your 60s and 70s?

They are probably in their 30s. There is a weird shift in the amount of time men are expected to be with their kids now.

Huh?
Kids age 3 are in bed before 8pm. Go to the gym or grab an old fashioned then. Less traffic too, can get downtown or to Gtown in 20 mins.

I don’t know. This is how it was when I was in my 30s. It’s not like that now.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to whichever friend you are closest to? One of my friend's husband is an introvert but he comes off very rude and condescending. We don't exclude them, but no one is exactly sad when he declines.

I also like the suggesting of hosting more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a neighborhood where every couple is like the OP - the wives socialize with each other while the husbands stay home.

Are you all in your 60s and 70s?

No - 40s and 50s.

[Anonymous]

Husband stay home alone and do what? Office work? Tv?

Sad there is such diminished sense of community in some American males segments.

My dad played oldies softball until age 83, racquetball once a week plus a beer, and only vacationed with his wife. And they threw a big potluck winter party and July 4th party.

My spouse won’t plan anything, and would just watch Netflix if I didn’t plan anything. But he will go out with us all to socialize- but then return and take a nap. He gets tired easily and work zaps his functioning. Work gets his best self, sadly. We get the leftovers. I’m over it it but it’s insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same OP. He had a group of friends and a normal social life when I met him, but after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage it has deteriorated to the point where he doesn’t want to ever leave the house for any reason or interact with anyone outside of his family. He’s very hands on with the kids and has a good job making $300k+, but I had to function like a single mom when it came to any type of social event, travel, or basically any activity more than a few minutes away from home. He never wanted to do anything alone with me either, all he wanted was to watch YouTube on the couch in silence. Every attempt to talk to him about it was shut down with “I’m just tired because of work and the kids, it’ll get better later.” It never got better and we are separated now because I can’t live the rest of my life that way. I will say that since I moved out he’s actually gotten a lot more serious about his one hobby sport and has actually made some friends through the classes and matches, and I’m really glad to see that. Personally I’m so much happier without the constant presence of his negative energy and silent disapproval every time I made social plans.

OP here - this response struck out at me because I can easily picture us heading down this path if things don't change soon. It's not just this one-off party snub but indicative of a bigger pattern/trend. He is the breadwinner by far but I also work FT and still do 99% of everything kid/house/pet related. I'm exhausted too but can't just plop down on the couch all weekend and check out from everything like does.

Did you try therapy, medical testing etc before separation to see if there is some underlying cause that can be fixed, or just accept that this is how he is going to be going forward? I want to gently encourage my DH to get some kind of help (therapy? depression screening? blood workup for anemia/low-T/something?) but I don't know where to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 7 years and have 2 small children. Moved out to a suburb 2 years ago and quickly fell in with a group of other young families in our neighborhood. I get invited to all of the book clubs and ladies nights etc, but have recently learned that whenever they get together as couples recently we are not included

I can't help but think this is because of him. He has always been kind of an introvert but was able to fake it when we were younger and dating, but now he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around. I chalked it up to his stressful job and the stress of life w/ 2 under 3. I'm so bummed - the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families.

Not really a question, just venting after seeing pics of a St. Patty's party we were not invited to. Oh well.

Honestly, this is not nice of those people. I get that not everyone can be invited to everything but if you are the only ones left out and it is a party, that is quite rude.

I agree. I think your husband being an introvert is an issue you will need to work on accepting, but these families suck if they’re leaving out little kids in their neighborhood because…the dad likes his alone time?

Honestly OP, I’d find a non accusatory way of bringing this up with the moms next time you can. How often is this really happening? Was it this one party and you’re assuming it’s a pattern? Sometimes simply saying that you and the kids want to be included even if hubby hangs back at home or sits on his cell phone in the corner is what will make the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

But OP said it's been a decline and it's not just the neighborhood get togethers -- "he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around." and "the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families."

This is not normal necessarily. I'm an introvert with twins and even when my kids were tiny and exhausting, I needed some form of human adult interaction that was not my spouse on a regular basis and to leave my house or I would lose it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t take it as a slight from the friends - more as in, they know you but don’t know him. If he would go out a bit with you and them, they’ll get to know him. If not, they probably rightfully assume he doesn’t want to hang out with them so only invite you when it’s just you since they can tell you want to go.

Dont be too hard on you or him either way. It’s a long game - not a short game. Maybe in time he will get to know them. Go out without him with the kids, when you can on the wknds. You don’t need him to come to get out.