Can’t face friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to those who have offered their perspective, different as they may be. Additional info a few PPs requested:

1) DH claims he’s only known for a few months, not 8 years.
2) Best Friend claims he and his DW are sexless so there is no risk of STD transmission.
3) Their DC is 10. Ours are a bit younger.

My brain tells me I should mind my own business, particularly if point 2 is true (and Best Friend has no reason to outright lie to DH), but I still feel sick.

Why do you feel sick? What specifically is it that makes you feel sick? Are you really sick over this specific situation, or is it making you sick thinking about how it could be your husband? Figure out why this makes you feel sick and then address the root cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to those who have offered their perspective, different as they may be. Additional info a few PPs requested:

1) DH claims he’s only known for a few months, not 8 years.
2) Best Friend claims he and his DW are sexless so there is no risk of STD transmission.
3) Their DC is 10. Ours are a bit younger.

My brain tells me I should mind my own business, particularly if point 2 is true (and Best Friend has no reason to outright lie to DH), but I still feel sick.

The “sexless” claim is the oldest lie in the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to those who have offered their perspective, different as they may be. Additional info a few PPs requested:

1) DH claims he’s only known for a few months, not 8 years.
2) Best Friend claims he and his DW are sexless so there is no risk of STD transmission.
3) Their DC is 10. Ours are a bit younger.

My brain tells me I should mind my own business, particularly if point 2 is true (and Best Friend has no reason to outright lie to DH), but I still feel sick.

Why do you feel sick? What specifically is it that makes you feel sick? Are you really sick over this specific situation, or is it making you sick thinking about how it could be your husband? Figure out why this makes you feel sick and then address the root cause.

I feel sick because if it were me, I’d want to know. I feel very strongly that every person has a right to know regardless of what they choose to do with that information. And especially because by now I do consider her a friend in and of herself, I feel extra sh*tty NOT making sure she knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks to those who have offered their perspective, different as they may be. Additional info a few PPs requested:

1) DH claims he’s only known for a few months, not 8 years.
2) Best Friend claims he and his DW are sexless so there is no risk of STD transmission.
3) Their DC is 10. Ours are a bit younger.

My brain tells me I should mind my own business, particularly if point 2 is true (and Best Friend has no reason to outright lie to DH), but I still feel sick.

Why do you feel sick? What specifically is it that makes you feel sick? Are you really sick over this specific situation, or is it making you sick thinking about how it could be your husband? Figure out why this makes you feel sick and then address the root cause.

I feel sick because if it were me, I’d want to know. I feel very strongly that every person has a right to know regardless of what they choose to do with that information. And especially because by now I do consider her a friend in and of herself, I feel extra sh*tty NOT making sure she knows.

OP, I'm with you on this. I feel uncomfortable keeping secrets while smiling in someone's face. Yes, letting friend's spouse know will cause a great upheaval, and your spouse is going to probably be angry with you. But do you have a moral compass? It's obviously telling you to do something.

[Anonymous]

Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks to those who have offered their perspective, different as they may be. Additional info a few PPs requested:

1) DH claims he’s only known for a few months, not 8 years.
2) Best Friend claims he and his DW are sexless so there is no risk of STD transmission.
3) Their DC is 10. Ours are a bit younger.

My brain tells me I should mind my own business, particularly if point 2 is true (and Best Friend has no reason to outright lie to DH), but I still feel sick.

I wonder if the wife knows the marriage is sexless. That's what all cheaters say. I also wonder if it's sexless because he is too busy investing his energy elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

You tell the H he needs to confess or you will tell her the next time you see her and then stop seeing her if you can.

If she asks why you stopped being friends just tell her why and that you can’t just pretend.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go.

I really don’t believe this story anyway. Like a soap opera.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee you she already knows.

Not necessarily. My uncle had a decade long affair and when my aunt finally found out, she divorced him immediately.

This happened in my family. The betrayed spouse not only divorced but immediately cut off all the in-laws who had not only known but also abetted the affair. The kids were teens and stopped speaking to them too.

Good. I swiftly cut off anyone connected with my almost-former spouse after being blindsided. I don’t know who knew and who didn’t and don’t care. I’m not judging them and I have no hard feelings, but I’ve circled the wagons and there’s no room for anyone with a conflict of interest. It’s for my own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.

This seems a stretch. If she already knows, how would someone telling her what she already knows force her to act and get a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it has been 8 years it’s likely the wife already knows. The situation has come to some kind of equilibrium. She’s probably waiting until kids go to college. Stay out of it.

Prob no clue. I’ve seen this situation

I’ve been the OW in a LTA. The wife knew. I ended it and none of us ever told anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

This would absolve DH and put it back on the other DH’s plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.

On what do you base this assumption? Have you had this experience? The spouses that have experienced it are saying this isn't the case and that is my experience as well with friends. I had a friend whose husband had a variety of affairs and I am telling you she had no idea. No idea. We didn't either and spent a LOT of time together.

[Anonymous]

I am in a sexless marriage. We haven’t had sex in at least 5 years and are in the process of divorcing. The lack of sex is clearly not the only problem but a very clear one that is hard to explain away.

I also have a 10 year old and tbh this is a pretty hard age when it comes to figuring out whether we need to wait to divorce bc of logistics. When they are in diapers, its pretty clear its not a good time if only for the extra crap that needs to go from one house to another. When they are teenagers, they are fairly self sufficient and can be home alone after school (for instance). But 10 is tough. There are so many factors where their maturity level at this age - they are mature in some ways but still kids in others - really is a determining factor in divorce timing, at least for us. One we have discussed is whether they will need after school care (can they stay home alone for 15 mins at one parents house when they get home from school when the other parent works from home). Will their summer sitter go between houses with them? Stuff like that which won’t be a factor in even a year or two.

You say you think that everyone deserves to know, but there is a lot that happens in someone else’s house that you have no idea about. They could very well be figuring out stuff like this and your DH isn’t privy to it. DW could be doing what many women do and getting her ducks in a row now. You could blow that up for her.

Just think about what happens *after* you tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do not say anything. If it’s been 8 years, she probably knows and wants to keep things status quo. If you say something you are going to force her to act and get a divorce. It’s none of your business and saying something will have dire consequences on this family. Let them sort it out themselves.

This seems a stretch. If she already knows, how would someone telling her what she already knows force her to act and get a divorce?

Because she’ll be embarrassed that other people know. This happened to someone I knew very well. She knew her husband was cheating and although she wasn’t thrilled about it, she wanted to keep the family together. When her friend told her, she felt compelled to get a divorce because she was ashamed that others knew about it. Shame and pride are powerful motivators. (And she had an enormous falling out with the friend who told her. She made up excuses to hate her.) If it were me, I would stay out of it.

I’ve been cheated on. If it’s a boyfriend, tell me. Please! Before I make a huge mistake. If it’s my husband and we have kids and finances tied together, please stay out of it.