Can’t face friends

[Anonymous]

What’s up with people not reading before chiming in? OP already made decision to give up friendship rather than get involved. Thread’s over, folks.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a similar position. I wish I didn’t know but you owe it to your husband to keep your mouth shut and take his secret to the grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 years and My DH kept this from me.

He is cheating too.

No he’s not. Why does he need to tell his wife his best friends secret? I have been in a similar position as OPs DH and I have not and would never cheat. I have been loyal to my spouse and to the person whose secret I know but wish I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

You know, the wife may already know and she may be more ashamed if she knew you knew than if she thought it was her secret. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

You're so dramatic. Mind your business.

[Anonymous]

Send her an anonymous email. Tell your DH you're doing so, but she won't be able to trace it back to you. Likely this cheater has told more than one person about this affair.

[Anonymous]

Is this guy’s hook up married too.

Send the note to HER husband. Let the fallout start there.

[Anonymous]

I'd seriously want my husband to limit interaction/time with this guy. Similar situation and my husband withdrew--and it was a very good friend from college. He did not condone the behavior. He was still there for him as a friend--but communication between them is now infrequent and they don't really meet up anymore (live in different states).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're so dramatic. Mind your business.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

I don't know these people (obviously), but it is likely either (a) they have a great marriage full of lots of love and kindness, and the wife is happy with it, or (b) they have an unhappy marriage and the wife is unhappy with the situation. If (a), why destroy that for the wife? Just on principle? Maybe she would want to know, but if she's happy and they have warm feelings, then let it be. If (b), then she's already unhappy and can decide to leave or not, and she doesn't need to know this extra info. I don't get the instinct in people to just drop this bomb on someone else's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the plan. Of course Best Friend could always lie about what he will or won’t do, but I’ve no wish to be further involved much less play private investigator. Unfortunately, this also means my friendship with this couple is over, as I can’t rightly count myself a friend to the wife in choosing to keep this from her and I’ve lost all respect for the husband.

I agree this is the probably the best you can do in this situation. I'm sorry OP. This is sad for everyone involved.

I think this is the worst decision. It puts OP's DH in the awkward position of telling his friend that he told OP. The friend isn't going to tell his wife. But it will certainly make things awkward and probably kill the friendship for all involved without even delivering the info to the wife.

OP should just keep it to herself, as should OP's DH. Let these folks work out their own situation. I agree with the PP that I would NOT want to hear about this from a friend. That would only make things worse. Why not let the wife live in peace? I am in the ignorance is bliss camp.

Ignorance is bliss?

How nice to live in a fantasy world where you believe your husband is your best friend, loyal and kind - when the reality is his sweet words are a lie, valentines and anniversary gifts are a lie. You are a joke to your husbands gf - and nobody will tell you. Everyone wants to keep it a secret. How lovely!

I don't know these people (obviously), but it is likely either (a) they have a great marriage full of lots of love and kindness, and the wife is happy with it, or (b) they have an unhappy marriage and the wife is unhappy with the situation. If (a), why destroy that for the wife? Just on principle? Maybe she would want to know, but if she's happy and they have warm feelings, then let it be. If (b), then she's already unhappy and can decide to leave or not, and she doesn't need to know this extra info. I don't get the instinct in people to just drop this bomb on someone else's life.

Nah. If the wife is happy and clueless---and then 10 years later at empty nest the spouse with ducks in a row just drops the divorce news out of the blue.

She wasted all of her youth raising her kids and now is in 50s and faced with a gray divorce? That is brutal and selfish...well--we all know cheaters are selfish. BUt a betrayal of that magnitude, carried out over years where she didn't learn the reality of her life until she is ready for a retirement with spouse is just the most awful and conniving move to make on someone. That is the type of betrayal that causes real trauma to a person, and the kids as well, because now they question the entirety of all of those 'lying' years. What was real? Was any of it real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd seriously want my husband to limit interaction/time with this guy. Similar situation and my husband withdrew--and it was a very good friend from college. He did not condone the behavior. He was still there for him as a friend--but communication between them is now infrequent and they don't really meet up anymore (live in different states).

In my vast experience as a person now in my mid-50s--cheaters do hang together. People that think cheating is ok tend to hang together. People that are divorce-happy also tend to run in the same circles.

Birds of a feather and all. IF you want to know a person, look at the company that they keep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd seriously want my husband to limit interaction/time with this guy. Similar situation and my husband withdrew--and it was a very good friend from college. He did not condone the behavior. He was still there for him as a friend--but communication between them is now infrequent and they don't really meet up anymore (live in different states).

In my vast experience as a person now in my mid-50s--cheaters do hang together. People that think cheating is ok tend to hang together. People that are divorce-happy also tend to run in the same circles.

Birds of a feather and all. IF you want to know a person, look at the company that they keep.

That’s not always true. Sometimes people have been friends for many years or since childhood and are too enmeshed to separate even when they are very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd seriously want my husband to limit interaction/time with this guy. Similar situation and my husband withdrew--and it was a very good friend from college. He did not condone the behavior. He was still there for him as a friend--but communication between them is now infrequent and they don't really meet up anymore (live in different states).

In my vast experience as a person now in my mid-50s--cheaters do hang together. People that think cheating is ok tend to hang together. People that are divorce-happy also tend to run in the same circles.

Birds of a feather and all. IF you want to know a person, look at the company that they keep.

That’s not always true. Sometimes people have been friends for many years or since childhood and are too enmeshed to separate even when they are very different.

It's more true, than not. Friends grow apart--often for reasons like this. When you no longer have values in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd seriously want my husband to limit interaction/time with this guy. Similar situation and my husband withdrew--and it was a very good friend from college. He did not condone the behavior. He was still there for him as a friend--but communication between them is now infrequent and they don't really meet up anymore (live in different states).

In my vast experience as a person now in my mid-50s--cheaters do hang together. People that think cheating is ok tend to hang together. People that are divorce-happy also tend to run in the same circles.

Birds of a feather and all. IF you want to know a person, look at the company that they keep.

That’s not always true. Sometimes people have been friends for many years or since childhood and are too enmeshed to separate even when they are very different.

It's more true, than not. Friends grow apart--often for reasons like this. When you no longer have values in common.

It depends on geography. If you’re living in the same town, you grew up in, it’s much easier to stay friends. Men especially are low drama and don’t have huge fallings out unless money or a romantic rivalry are involved. I don’t think we have enough information to make assessments about OP’s husband.