Can’t face friends

[Anonymous]

Op this is a terrible situation, I'm so sorry! I posted above that I had a friend who had a slightly similar situation and she was definitely blindsided. If she knew, why wouldn't your DH have told your DH that? You should assume she doesn't know in my opinion. I think your husband should tell his friend he's not comfortable keeping this secret. That he needs to end it or come clean. Though now he would probably just lie to your husband. So unfortunately, the friendship is likely over in a lot of ways. I truly don't know the answer but I also know you shouldn't just sit on this information and let her go on like this. It is such an incredible betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell friend exactly what happened, that you know and are struggling with the information and whether to tell wife. Maybe that will compel friend to come clean or end the affair.

This would absolve DH and put it back on the other DH’s plate.

+1 OP, you need to have another discussion with your husband and make it clear how uncomfortable you are with maintaining the status quo. The burden belongs back on your husband's friend.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is trash for covering for this guy.

[Anonymous]

OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is trash for covering for this guy.

He’s not covering. He possesses information he shouldn’t - same as me currently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

Gross. I would be extremely uncomfortable with 1) Best Friend, 2) DH. Your DH thinks this is NBD? Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

Gross. I would be extremely uncomfortable with 1) Best Friend, 2) DH. Your DH thinks this is NBD? Gross.

DH does NOT think this is NBD. He has encouraged his friend to come clean to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

Well the other DH is a certifiable moron for telling your DH for the exact reasons you are seeing now. So it’s entirely possible other wife does know and is also biding her time for whatever reason. Regardless, other DH lost control of the situation when he told your DH. Your DH should tell other guy that you know. Chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are a spouse that has been cheated on, you have no idea. In my divorce support group, all the women have been cheated on and lied to for years, and no one told them. Cheaters make up hundreds of lies and coverups and gaslight many around them. Some of the main lines are: we're in a sexless marriage (often a lie or DH lying saying they have low testosterone/depression), my wife is controlling (because we question their frequent absences), wife is emotionally abusive (again by questionning their withdrawal from family life and responsibilities)
It's classic cheater excuses and coverup

ALL of the women wished that someone would have told them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. For those PPs who keep insisting the wife already knows: According to DH, Best Friend himself does not believe his wife knows and they certainly have not had any conversations about “maintaining the status quo.” His intention is to divorce her when their DC is older to be with his affair partner/college girlfriend.

Even more classy, blindsiding your wife after she’s done all the hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, when the affair is discovered and your friend finds out that you knew and don’t tell her, you will loose that friendship. Speaking from experience here.

This was my experience. Then DH cheated extensively. People I thought were our mutual friends never said anything to me - never blew his cover and never asked me if I was OK (not even after we publicly broke up). So, his cheating felt like a double betrayal - him and friends who decided to be bystanders. Bystanding is what allowed him to get away with it for so long (I had no clue when I found out, on my own, that he had exposed me to a serious STD he acquired.

It was made worse by the fact all these people were part of a circle of friends that were also professional colleagues. I couldn't talk to them as friends about what was really happening because, frankly, he would have been fired, and I needed him to be able to pay child support. So, I also ended up in polite but distant relationships with people who otherwise would have been mutually supportive to me professionally.

Both the cheating and the betrayal of friendship were very traumatic. In a large part of my life, outside cheating ex, I felt I either had to be very inauthentic, very cautious about whom to trust or cut people off.

I was extremely fortunate that I was able to tell my family and longstanding friends, and they all were incredibly supportive.

Having experienced this, I would never betray a friend in that way. I also would never ask the perpetrator or person with knowledge for an explanation or permission to share. That is one of the consequences - despite a cheater's best efforts, their behavior can become public and thus they don't "own" that information any more.

I would tell a friend exactly what I heard. I would also acknowledge that I don't know if it's true or not or cheating or part of a mutual agreement - and I don't need to know. Just that I didn't feel right keeping such information from a friend and that I would not tell anyone else and that I was there to offer support to her in anyway asked at any time. And then I would just shut up and listen and follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wondering how this thread has turned into a referendum on my own DH, but shouldn’t be surprised. DH isn’t the cheater here - he’s a good friend caught between a rock and a hard place. If my own best friend were having an affair, I’d be doing the exact same thing - not telling her DH while urging her to do so.

I'm confused why you posted here. It sounds like you've already decided not to tell her.

[Anonymous]

You inserting yourself into someone else’s life can have consequences you never saw coming.
my advice to you would be to build a little wall around this knowledge that you think you have and carry on, ask no questions, insisting that your husband issue his friend an ultimatum is the worst advice; you have no idea what goes on in your friends home, she may have a boyfriend of her own and wants to keep everything going on just like it is. You don’t know, you can’t know and you just need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is trash for covering for this guy.

He’s not covering. He possesses information he shouldn’t - same as me currently.

He's possessed that information "for a few months." Gross.