Tired of “sophisticated” friends of my 4th grade DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there really 4th graders wearing makeup? No, you are not crazy for not wanting your kid to wear makeup or expose her midriff at school. We don't even own an iPad in my house and life is all the better for it.

OP and yes, there are some who wear stuff beyond lip gloss in 4th and 5th. I can’t imagine putting on eyeliner because I can’t even do it fast on me, let alone her, in the mornings. It’s not everyone at all, but it’s some, and same for the belly tops in 4th. It’s cute but I guess I don’t like it for the age, not at the pool or whatever. DD has an iPad and I let her play on it, but put some limits and that works for us so far. No older sibling, so no phone, but we had kids in her class with older model iPhones in 2nd, more in 3rd, even more this year. The principal e-mails the parents every year telling us to avoid getting them phones for as long as possible, but having them seems somewhat common.

Where do you live? We live in Mclean, there is a lot of wealth here, and no child has a phone in 2nd and 3rd grade. You are either lying or are in a private school.

OP and no, I am not lying. I don’t live in McLean, and did not claim I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader. I am not into the crop top look either, but DD begs to wear them and I’m just not going to die on that hill.
Don’t you remember when you were young and your parents forbade you to wear something, so you just brought it to school and changed there? I’m just skipping that charade. Banning stuff just increases their allure.
I draw the line at:
hair dyeing/highlighting.
Multiple piercings

OP and her friend who is the most adventurous with this stuff has salon bleached hair and all that. I am not “sexualizing” this girl; she and her mom tease me for not taking DD in for hair dye or permitting the makeup or belly shirts; the girl claims she is “bisexual” and maybe she is. DD hasn’t expressed any identity-defining sexuality stuff ever to us but to be fair, she seems quite far from her first period and puberty, small for her age and not into crushes at this point. She doesn’t ask for clothes and has never changed at school or anything. I posted because this mother and another keep trying to needle me over this sh!t and I feel pretty defensive and fed up at this point. I totally get that curiosity and appropriateness over time will change things, but I don’t think I’m an oppressor since DD doesn’t ask and has friends who are absolutely not into cool clothes or devices on any level, so I think it’s okay. I got flamed initially and I don’t think I’m being a jerk, I think I’m long-term acquaintances with 2 particular moms who don’t like that DD and I are not exactly like them at this stage, even if DD is further away from those big physical and emotional upheavals than their DDs at this stage. I hate the comments I get periodically but we are all mothers to only girls so I know my context is way more limited than that of many parents here.

Honestly they sound like horrible people and I’d be cooling my friendships with them. I’d also be looking at Catholic school to get my dd out of that environment, but that’s just me.

OP here - yes I have drawn the same conclusions and am encouraging DD not to stop being friends but to spend more time with other friends, and to help arrange play dates with them. I can’t be around it any more as one of the mothers in particular is a vicious gossip, which I didn’t fully realize until quite recently, jumping into conversations to ask whether a kid she knows is “popular” or not (she detests this other kid and told me in a quasi-ironic way “haha so and so is just a commoner now too.”) I had not seen nor heard this level of crap til a few weeks ago and it’s bothered me so much. Her child has many good qualities but the mother is truly toxic and hypocritical, and it’s something I can’t unknow. The girls are in a small group at school together but will likely be in different schools soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there really 4th graders wearing makeup? No, you are not crazy for not wanting your kid to wear makeup or expose her midriff at school. We don't even own an iPad in my house and life is all the better for it.

OP and yes, there are some who wear stuff beyond lip gloss in 4th and 5th. I can’t imagine putting on eyeliner because I can’t even do it fast on me, let alone her, in the mornings. It’s not everyone at all, but it’s some, and same for the belly tops in 4th. It’s cute but I guess I don’t like it for the age, not at the pool or whatever. DD has an iPad and I let her play on it, but put some limits and that works for us so far. No older sibling, so no phone, but we had kids in her class with older model iPhones in 2nd, more in 3rd, even more this year. The principal e-mails the parents every year telling us to avoid getting them phones for as long as possible, but having them seems somewhat common.

Where do you live? We live in Mclean, there is a lot of wealth here, and no child has a phone in 2nd and 3rd grade. You are either lying or are in a private school.

The young kids with phones that I know have divorced parents. One of the parents gives the kid a smart phone so they can talk to them whenever they want without having to go through the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there really 4th graders wearing makeup? No, you are not crazy for not wanting your kid to wear makeup or expose her midriff at school. We don't even own an iPad in my house and life is all the better for it.

OP and yes, there are some who wear stuff beyond lip gloss in 4th and 5th. I can’t imagine putting on eyeliner because I can’t even do it fast on me, let alone her, in the mornings. It’s not everyone at all, but it’s some, and same for the belly tops in 4th. It’s cute but I guess I don’t like it for the age, not at the pool or whatever. DD has an iPad and I let her play on it, but put some limits and that works for us so far. No older sibling, so no phone, but we had kids in her class with older model iPhones in 2nd, more in 3rd, even more this year. The principal e-mails the parents every year telling us to avoid getting them phones for as long as possible, but having them seems somewhat common.

Where do you live? We live in Mclean, there is a lot of wealth here, and no child has a phone in 2nd and 3rd grade. You are either lying or are in a private school.

The young kids with phones that I know have divorced parents. One of the parents gives the kid a smart phone so they can talk to them whenever they want without having to go through the other parent.

OP and I mostly see younger siblings with phones, plus some kids with divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

OP - parent your kid however you like. That's your duty and your right. The things you are describing are just not big deals in the scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

My kid is in private with a uniform so we don’t have the clothing issues. But she joined in 4th and there was definitely a clique like this. My kid was friendly with a couple of them but never got fully entrenched. Fast forward to 6th grade and this group of girls are fully wearing make up to school while carrying their Stanley cups and constantly talking about boys, make up, hair, and have lengthy chat sessions on the phone at night.
My kid has found the sporty girls to be her people and kicks the soccer ball around with them at recess.
So it does progress, try and get your kid to branch out more OP and find her people.

[Anonymous]

Hey there Elementary moms, my 14 year year old DD can’t even wear make up or crop tops! 4th grade????? What!

[Anonymous]

The “sophisticated” girl has older siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey there Elementary moms, my 14 year year old DD can’t even wear make up or crop tops! 4th grade????? What!

Well that’s insane

[Anonymous]

My daughter is in first and she had some friend with some of this going on. Unmonitored access to tablets, cropped tops, make up as the preferred toy, those stupid watch phones. A couple have older sisters and moms who seem to be encouraging age inappropriate stuff. So far we have managed it fine but it is surprising we’re dealing with it already.

[Anonymous]

When my child was in 1st grade a mom said to a bunch of us, “my name is Larla, I have teenagers, I apologize for everything your kids are about to learn from mine”.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Stay strong OP! I have a fourth grader too and Sephora, TikTok, etc. are definitely a thing. It seems to be kids whose parents are desperate for their kid to fit in. I’ve said no to a phone and watch and will hold firm on that for as long as I can. If I have my way she will never be on TikTok. We all know it gives girls body image issues and ideas about suicide and cutting so it is beyond me why any parent with 1/2 a brain would allow this and I have zero respect for parents who do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental health -- esp for girls -- is basically linear with respect to age of first smartphone. Girls who got their first smartphone at 18 have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 16, who have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 14...

+1. If these are her friends, do not cave on social media in 6th grade. These platforms require users to be at least age 13 for a reason. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Hold off as long as you can.

The makeup and clothes you need to decide what’s age appropriate. It’s not unreasonable to tell
her that in your family those are things for middle schoolers or high schoolers or whatever works
for you. Or you may decide that even at this age they aren’t hills to die on. In our household we would not have allowed them in elementary school even if DD would have asked.

[Anonymous]

I get the no phone thing (parent of a 3rd grader) but we have a gizmo watch for ours and it’s been really helpful. She doesn’t wear it all the time. But when she is out without me in the neighborhood (like biking) or going to an event with a friends family it’s helpful to have.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have girls, but I’m always mildly shocked when elementary school lets out and I see the 3rd-5th graders come out with their crop tops, short shorts, cell phones, and giant Stanley cups. I know mom is choosing and buying a lot of this stuff and I don’t get it at all.

And on the other end of the spectrum, I find it intensely gross that grown women are judging kids on the lengths of their shirts and shorts. Better get the misogyny started early! Never too soon to start oversexualizing kids!

These grown women are called mothers. They damn sure better make judgments on what is right for their daughters.