Tired of “sophisticated” friends of my 4th grade DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be public school

Yeah, girl drama never happens at a private school. Only those wealthy public school parents give their kids smart phones.

Nobody says it never happens but certainly some problems are avoided, like clothing. Sounds like some parents are experiencing conflict over many issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, my 4th grade DD is same as your and DH and I have similar approach to your household. I have a lot of experience with social media and some of these issues for kids, and I’ve yet to see anything good come of such early access to this stuff. They have one chance to be kids. And decades of time to have internet, make up, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have a 4th grader. I am not into the crop top look either, but DD begs to wear them and I’m just not going to die on that hill.
Don’t you remember when you were young and your parents forbade you to wear something, so you just brought it to school and changed there? I’m just skipping that charade. Banning stuff just increases their allure.
I draw the line at:
hair dyeing/highlighting.
Multiple piercings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your dd would be right on track with my dd and her friends. I can’t even imagine letting a fourth grader wear makeup or a crop top. And the less interaction online the better. My ds got his first phone in 8th grade and it will be the same for dd.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader. I am not into the crop top look either, but DD begs to wear them and I’m just not going to die on that hill.
Don’t you remember when you were young and your parents forbade you to wear something, so you just brought it to school and changed there? I’m just skipping that charade. Banning stuff just increases their allure.
I draw the line at:
hair dyeing/highlighting.
Multiple piercings

OP and her friend who is the most adventurous with this stuff has salon bleached hair and all that. I am not “sexualizing” this girl; she and her mom tease me for not taking DD in for hair dye or permitting the makeup or belly shirts; the girl claims she is “bisexual” and maybe she is. DD hasn’t expressed any identity-defining sexuality stuff ever to us but to be fair, she seems quite far from her first period and puberty, small for her age and not into crushes at this point. She doesn’t ask for clothes and has never changed at school or anything. I posted because this mother and another keep trying to needle me over this sh!t and I feel pretty defensive and fed up at this point. I totally get that curiosity and appropriateness over time will change things, but I don’t think I’m an oppressor since DD doesn’t ask and has friends who are absolutely not into cool clothes or devices on any level, so I think it’s okay. I got flamed initially and I don’t think I’m being a jerk, I think I’m long-term acquaintances with 2 particular moms who don’t like that DD and I are not exactly like them at this stage, even if DD is further away from those big physical and emotional upheavals than their DDs at this stage. I hate the comments I get periodically but we are all mothers to only girls so I know my context is way more limited than that of many parents here.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care so much about clothing (live in a beach area where little kids run around naked and girls are often in bikinis) but combined with makeup and expensive accessories I would be.

[Anonymous]

Mental health -- esp for girls -- is basically linear with respect to age of first smartphone. Girls who got their first smartphone at 18 have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 16, who have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 14...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have girls, but I’m always mildly shocked when elementary school lets out and I see the 3rd-5th graders come out with their crop tops, short shorts, cell phones, and giant Stanley cups. I know mom is choosing and buying a lot of this stuff and I don’t get it at all.

I don’t get elementary schools not having a dress code. Maybe they never needed one before but with so many simple parents they probably need one now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there really 4th graders wearing makeup? No, you are not crazy for not wanting your kid to wear makeup or expose her midriff at school. We don't even own an iPad in my house and life is all the better for it.

My 5th grader wears lip gloss and has a few crop tops (that she is only allowed to wear with high waisted pants). She doesn't have an iPad or phone and the only screen time she gets is maybe 30 minutes of tv a day. She watches tv with her much younger sibling, so it is usually something on Disney or PBS Kids. Did I just 🤯?

[Anonymous]

Is this a private school thing? My kids' friends don't have phones or a group chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there really 4th graders wearing makeup? No, you are not crazy for not wanting your kid to wear makeup or expose her midriff at school. We don't even own an iPad in my house and life is all the better for it.

OP and yes, there are some who wear stuff beyond lip gloss in 4th and 5th. I can’t imagine putting on eyeliner because I can’t even do it fast on me, let alone her, in the mornings. It’s not everyone at all, but it’s some, and same for the belly tops in 4th. It’s cute but I guess I don’t like it for the age, not at the pool or whatever. DD has an iPad and I let her play on it, but put some limits and that works for us so far. No older sibling, so no phone, but we had kids in her class with older model iPhones in 2nd, more in 3rd, even more this year. The principal e-mails the parents every year telling us to avoid getting them phones for as long as possible, but having them seems somewhat common.

Where do you live? We live in Mclean, there is a lot of wealth here, and no child has a phone in 2nd and 3rd grade. You are either lying or are in a private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental health -- esp for girls -- is basically linear with respect to age of first smartphone. Girls who got their first smartphone at 18 have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 16, who have better mental health than girls who got their first smartphone at 14...

They almost all have smartphones by age 12 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader. I am not into the crop top look either, but DD begs to wear them and I’m just not going to die on that hill.
Don’t you remember when you were young and your parents forbade you to wear something, so you just brought it to school and changed there? I’m just skipping that charade. Banning stuff just increases their allure.
I draw the line at:
hair dyeing/highlighting.
Multiple piercings

OP and her friend who is the most adventurous with this stuff has salon bleached hair and all that. I am not “sexualizing” this girl; she and her mom tease me for not taking DD in for hair dye or permitting the makeup or belly shirts; the girl claims she is “bisexual” and maybe she is. DD hasn’t expressed any identity-defining sexuality stuff ever to us but to be fair, she seems quite far from her first period and puberty, small for her age and not into crushes at this point. She doesn’t ask for clothes and has never changed at school or anything. I posted because this mother and another keep trying to needle me over this sh!t and I feel pretty defensive and fed up at this point. I totally get that curiosity and appropriateness over time will change things, but I don’t think I’m an oppressor since DD doesn’t ask and has friends who are absolutely not into cool clothes or devices on any level, so I think it’s okay. I got flamed initially and I don’t think I’m being a jerk, I think I’m long-term acquaintances with 2 particular moms who don’t like that DD and I are not exactly like them at this stage, even if DD is further away from those big physical and emotional upheavals than their DDs at this stage. I hate the comments I get periodically but we are all mothers to only girls so I know my context is way more limited than that of many parents here.

OP - I don’t have time to read everything here but can you do what I did with my DD’s hyper sexualized girlfriend? I just stopped contact. Fortunately we were in different privates so it was easy (and that poor girl turned out a wreck). Can you take steps to dial it back? Tell the moms to go away . Can you switch schools? We had to leave a private over mean girls and the moms who wouldn’t do anything. I now wish we had left even earlier. Sometimes you just have to vote with your feet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader. I am not into the crop top look either, but DD begs to wear them and I’m just not going to die on that hill.
Don’t you remember when you were young and your parents forbade you to wear something, so you just brought it to school and changed there? I’m just skipping that charade. Banning stuff just increases their allure.
I draw the line at:
hair dyeing/highlighting.
Multiple piercings

OP and her friend who is the most adventurous with this stuff has salon bleached hair and all that. I am not “sexualizing” this girl; she and her mom tease me for not taking DD in for hair dye or permitting the makeup or belly shirts; the girl claims she is “bisexual” and maybe she is. DD hasn’t expressed any identity-defining sexuality stuff ever to us but to be fair, she seems quite far from her first period and puberty, small for her age and not into crushes at this point. She doesn’t ask for clothes and has never changed at school or anything. I posted because this mother and another keep trying to needle me over this sh!t and I feel pretty defensive and fed up at this point. I totally get that curiosity and appropriateness over time will change things, but I don’t think I’m an oppressor since DD doesn’t ask and has friends who are absolutely not into cool clothes or devices on any level, so I think it’s okay. I got flamed initially and I don’t think I’m being a jerk, I think I’m long-term acquaintances with 2 particular moms who don’t like that DD and I are not exactly like them at this stage, even if DD is further away from those big physical and emotional upheavals than their DDs at this stage. I hate the comments I get periodically but we are all mothers to only girls so I know my context is way more limited than that of many parents here.

Honestly they sound like horrible people and I’d be cooling my friendships with them. I’d also be looking at Catholic school to get my dd out of that environment, but that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

Something’s gone really wrong when 10 year olds are announcing their bisexuality.