Tired of “sophisticated” friends of my 4th grade DD

[Anonymous]

I have a 4th grader at an independent school and I see a lot of the same thing. It’s that age stuck between being little kids and tweens. They want iPhones dnd drunk elephant but still play with toys occasionally and sit on my lap at the doctors if nervous.

Mine is the one with the older sister so I’m sure she’s brought up things that some parents consider too old for the group. I just set limits. Facebook kids messenger goes to sleep early, no drink elephant bit bubble or elf for skincare and no boys or girls until high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader at an independent school and I see a lot of the same thing. It’s that age stuck between being little kids and tweens. They want iPhones dnd drunk elephant but still play with toys occasionally and sit on my lap at the doctors if nervous.

Mine is the one with the older sister so I’m sure she’s brought up things that some parents consider too old for the group. I just set limits. Facebook kids messenger goes to sleep early, no drink elephant bit bubble or elf for skincare and no boys or girls until high school.

Since you say she has an older sister, how does this play out at home? Does older sister taunt younger sister for being a baby or immature or telling her things she likes aren't cool just because she's younger?

[Anonymous]

Kids in this area grow up fast. Parents are status obsessed and these values are imparted to kids.

[Anonymous]

Makeup and sexy clothes like crop tops are bad in middle school. In elementary they’re a sign of extremely poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader at an independent school and I see a lot of the same thing. It’s that age stuck between being little kids and tweens. They want iPhones dnd drunk elephant but still play with toys occasionally and sit on my lap at the doctors if nervous.

Mine is the one with the older sister so I’m sure she’s brought up things that some parents consider too old for the group. I just set limits. Facebook kids messenger goes to sleep early, no drink elephant bit bubble or elf for skincare and no boys or girls until high school.

Since you say she has an older sister, how does this play out at home? Does older sister taunt younger sister for being a baby or immature or telling her things she likes aren't cool just because she's younger?

NP, but one with middle and an elementary aged girls. Older sister doesn’t taunt younger or anything like that, but she’s also no longer interested in doing things that they’ve always done together. She doesn’t want to play legos or even “arrange” the doll house with her or watch the same shows. Younger still does these things and I find her to be more immature than many girls her age, but she’s also exposed to a more wide variety of things. She sees how middle and high schoolers act/dress/speak at middle and high school games where her older sister did not at this age.

I’ve noticed more that the girls her age who act more mature and like the OP described have Moms that want them to be cool and act like their friends. The moms see the trends and encourage their girls to follow.

[Anonymous]

I'm happy to see you put "friends" in quotes because real mom friends would not ride you for these types of safety-related parenting choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader at an independent school and I see a lot of the same thing. It’s that age stuck between being little kids and tweens. They want iPhones dnd drunk elephant but still play with toys occasionally and sit on my lap at the doctors if nervous.

Mine is the one with the older sister so I’m sure she’s brought up things that some parents consider too old for the group. I just set limits. Facebook kids messenger goes to sleep early, no drink elephant bit bubble or elf for skincare and no boys or girls until high school.

Since you say she has an older sister, how does this play out at home? Does older sister taunt younger sister for being a baby or immature or telling her things she likes aren't cool just because she's younger?

8:33 here - No, we don’t have anything like that at all, exposure to more mature topics is the biggest challenge. I’m sure some of those topics are being shared with friends earlier than would be typical for an only or oldest child.

[Anonymous]

I have a 4th grader and NONE of her friends have any of what you described, even if we have variations on screen time.

None of them are TikTok
None of them have unlimited screens
Maybe a short top, but no bellies out
Tiny bits of makeup sometimes mostly to experiment

These girls still get dirty on the playground and run around with their friends. There is a group that is more “mature” and they are the school mean girls. I’m so glad my DD isn’t a part of that.

[Anonymous]

You're doing the right thing. Hold out as long as you can.

-Mom and MS teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4th grader at an independent school and I see a lot of the same thing. It’s that age stuck between being little kids and tweens. They want iPhones dnd drunk elephant but still play with toys occasionally and sit on my lap at the doctors if nervous.

Mine is the one with the older sister so I’m sure she’s brought up things that some parents consider too old for the group. I just set limits. Facebook kids messenger goes to sleep early, no drink elephant bit bubble or elf for skincare and no boys or girls until high school.

Since you say she has an older sister, how does this play out at home? Does older sister taunt younger sister for being a baby or immature or telling her things she likes aren't cool just because she's younger?

8:33 here - No, we don’t have anything like that at all, exposure to more mature topics is the biggest challenge. I’m sure some of those topics are being shared with friends earlier than would be typical for an only or oldest child.

I asked the question, because how it plays out is these girls like to tell the girls not into these things that they are babies and immature. The literally tell them they are acting immature so I'm wondering where they hear it since that seems to be the big insult.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get it. My daughter has a few friends with iPhones and Stanleys and better skin care routines than most adults I know.

And we aren’t in a really high income area for the DC area (houses are 850k-1M).

The girls aren’t actually anymore “sophisticated” than their classmates, and are either only or oldest kids.

The common denominator seems to be parents who are very nice, but also not very strict and/or desperate for their kids to fit in.

We’ve had a lot of talks with our daughter about how it is peer pressure and some of this stuff just is too grown up for kids. Luckily she has a cousin in her 20s she adores who also talks to her about what isn’t age appropriate for 9-10 year olds, so it’s not just her uncool parents saying that.

It’s tough and I feel sad for all these girls who can’t just be kids for a little longer. And I dread when my daughter is a little older and will get sneakier about this stuff. Luckily she’s listening to us now.

[Anonymous]

Stay strong OP! Mine is in HS now but we had a similar experience when she was in 4/5th. The covid lockdown was effective for putting distance between those friendships.
She recently commented to me that she can’t believe she was ever friends with those girls and sees why we had our rules in place. She is appalled by the “sephora 10 year olds” and thinks they should be outside playing!

[Anonymous]

In what world is a 9 year old wearing belly shirts or making death threats considered "sophisticated"? Is a 14 year old getting knocked up or using drugs also "sophisticated"? I would think those kids are actually pretty simple, but i only have 3 graduate degrees and speak only 3 European languages, so what do I know about "sophisticated"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all very surprising. We live outside of D.C. and don’t see any of this—“sexy” clothes on 4th and 5th graders, makeup, or everyone with iPhones. Probably some of them have iPhones, but it’s definitely not the norm. Just to say that it doesn’t have to be like this!

It's not. These are just people at ultra wealthy schools. Normal families don't have kids like this.

[Anonymous]

Happy to have raised strong, independent girls who don't cave too peer pressure.