Should I try to become more of a sorority girl / PTA mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband says the same thing, OP. We met in medical school, and we have plenty of money, but I’m still not the “easy” person he imagines being married to.

I’ve heard his friends say similar things about their wives. It’s kind of interesting to hear that men who can’t afford to have their wives get their nails done have the same fantasy. I always thought it was about having someone who appreciated the money he made and had some idea how to spend it to make their homelife better.

I think it’s a fantasy about being married to someone who does all of the chores and carries the “mental load” of managing a family without actually having any of their own needs or desires.

Sometimes I feel like when I express a need or desire that conflicts with something my husband wants that he kind of views me as defective or wishes he had gone with a different model. Like, “why isn’t my wife integrating the children into the school community? She must be broken.”

I was very very good about the school community and everything with raising the kids including healthy food. I was bad at domestic in-home chores (because I was tired from the kid stuff). Ex still didn't get it. He has a younger new girlfriend now probably looking for a safety net.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband says the same thing, OP. We met in medical school, and we have plenty of money, but I’m still not the “easy” person he imagines being married to.

I’ve heard his friends say similar things about their wives. It’s kind of interesting to hear that men who can’t afford to have their wives get their nails done have the same fantasy. I always thought it was about having someone who appreciated the money he made and had some idea how to spend it to make their homelife better.

I think it’s a fantasy about being married to someone who does all of the chores and carries the “mental load” of managing a family without actually having any of their own needs or desires.

Sometimes I feel like when I express a need or desire that conflicts with something my husband wants that he kind of views me as defective or wishes he had gone with a different model. Like, “why isn’t my wife integrating the children into the school community? She must be broken.”

I was very very good about the school community and everything with raising the kids including healthy food. I was bad at domestic in-home chores (because I was tired from the kid stuff). Ex still didn't get it. He has a younger new girlfriend now probably looking for a safety net.

Hahaha! Good luck to him!
I’m the pp you quoted. My sister is 7 years younger than I am. Younger women are even more child centered with higher expectations of their husbands! I hope you are enjoying your single life, pp!!

[Anonymous]

Idk what you’re talking about. The pta moms I know aren’t put together well at all. They’re incredibly boring and uncreative.

You are who you want to be. Why are you bringing up your mom and grandma?

[Anonymous]

I’m put together and I was a former sorority girl. I don’t fit in at all at school, especially not the pta. I dress down and am super nice to everyone but I definitely get judged on how I look.

I think your Dh just wants you to dress nicer. I agree that guys have unrealistic expectations of women. I’ve heard so many guys say they want women who wear little makeup like me, except I wear a lot of makeup (but not eyeshadow or lipstick like they think is “makeup”).

[Anonymous]

OP, you is good, you is smart, you is loved.

Oh wait - that was 'The Help'.

[Anonymous]

Wait, your husband wants a sorority girl? 🧐

[Anonymous]

OP you sound annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorority girl and PTA mom are not the right terms here, but I don't know what would be more accurate. Something like "Stepford wives" or "mean girls" is too derogatory.

What do you call the woman who is very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine? Someone you look at and you know immediately she was popular in school. You can even see in upper elementary which girls are going to become these women (usually the moms and daughters both fit the mold).

What I find more fascinating is that I can’t think of a single positive phrase to describe this type of woman. They’re all really derogatory and I think that says something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorority girl and PTA mom are not the right terms here, but I don't know what would be more accurate. Something like "Stepford wives" or "mean girls" is too derogatory.

What do you call the woman who is very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine? Someone you look at and you know immediately she was popular in school. You can even see in upper elementary which girls are going to become these women (usually the moms and daughters both fit the mold).

What I find more fascinating is that I can’t think of a single positive phrase to describe this type of woman. They’re all really derogatory and I think that says something.

You know what- you're just a jerk. There are LOTS of "very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine" women who are kind, wonderful people. Why are you judging people based on how they look?

Surely we want our daughters and friends to be put together and confident? What's the opposite? A hot mess with insecurity issues is the opposite of those words.

(This is not me) some women just have an easier time of it than others. They're naturally put together, confident, popular and well liked. Such is life right? Worry about your own selves and stop judging other women. There are bigger things to work on without women constantly tearing each other down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk what you’re talking about. The pta moms I know aren’t put together well at all. They’re incredibly boring and uncreative.

You are who you want to be. Why are you bringing up your mom and grandma?

I literally just ran into someone today at a coffee shop who I used to serve on the PTA with at a school my kids no longer attend. I was at another business in the same neighborhood. She looked like she hadn’t showered today and was in a grey sweatsuit. I have never asked what sorority she was in, but my educated guess based on being her friend is KD.

OP’s husband is probably drooling over the former models. She can tell him that those women never do PTA stuff. I’ve literally never seen one of them step up. Auction chairing, yes, but not PTA stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA must not be the same as your PTA OP 🤣

Exactly what I was thinking! LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorority girl and PTA mom are not the right terms here, but I don't know what would be more accurate. Something like "Stepford wives" or "mean girls" is too derogatory.

What do you call the woman who is very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine? Someone you look at and you know immediately she was popular in school. You can even see in upper elementary which girls are going to become these women (usually the moms and daughters both fit the mold).

What I find more fascinating is that I can’t think of a single positive phrase to describe this type of woman. They’re all really derogatory and I think that says something.

You know what- you're just a jerk. There are LOTS of "very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine" women who are kind, wonderful people. Why are you judging people based on how they look?

Surely we want our daughters and friends to be put together and confident? What's the opposite? A hot mess with insecurity issues is the opposite of those words.

(This is not me) some women just have an easier time of it than others. They're naturally put together, confident, popular and well liked. Such is life right? Worry about your own selves and stop judging other women. There are bigger things to work on without women constantly tearing each other down.

I see how you got there, but that's not what I meant. I find it fascinating that they are all derogatory because I think it speaks to a deep internalized misogyny. I'm 100% this woman - traditionally feminine, thin/fit, stylish, former sorority member, active in my kids' schools. And I'm fully aware that (1) certain women and men hate me on sight and (2) people will assume I'm an airhead. (I have a Top 3 MBA and a great career. I just really like beauty and fashion too.)

I think the more fascinating, and disturbing, take away is how happy many posters were to jump on the "sorority girl" and "Stepford wife" and put her down and tell OP how superior she is. I agree with your conclusion, "There are bigger things to work on without women constantly tearing each other down."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorority girl and PTA mom are not the right terms here, but I don't know what would be more accurate. Something like "Stepford wives" or "mean girls" is too derogatory.

What do you call the woman who is very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine? Someone you look at and you know immediately she was popular in school. You can even see in upper elementary which girls are going to become these women (usually the moms and daughters both fit the mold).

What I find more fascinating is that I can’t think of a single positive phrase to describe this type of woman. They’re all really derogatory and I think that says something.

You know what- you're just a jerk. There are LOTS of "very put-together, thin, shiny blown-out hair, confident, and feminine" women who are kind, wonderful people. Why are you judging people based on how they look?

Surely we want our daughters and friends to be put together and confident? What's the opposite? A hot mess with insecurity issues is the opposite of those words.

(This is not me) some women just have an easier time of it than others. They're naturally put together, confident, popular and well liked. Such is life right? Worry about your own selves and stop judging other women. There are bigger things to work on without women constantly tearing each other down.

I see how you got there, but that's not what I meant. I find it fascinating that they are all derogatory because I think it speaks to a deep internalized misogyny. I'm 100% this woman - traditionally feminine, thin/fit, stylish, former sorority member, active in my kids' schools. And I'm fully aware that (1) certain women and men hate me on sight and (2) people will assume I'm an airhead. (I have a Top 3 MBA and a great career. I just really like beauty and fashion too.)

I think the more fascinating, and disturbing, take away is how happy many posters were to jump on the "sorority girl" and "Stepford wife" and put her down and tell OP how superior she is. I agree with your conclusion, "There are bigger things to work on without women constantly tearing each other down."

I'm very similar to you. I'm attractive, confident, professionally successful. I was a sorority girl. Just like you said, so many women like OP do hate me on sight. The judgment from women never ceases. I prefer my male colleagues who have never commented on my looks, what I wear and are really only interested in how I run my division.

Women hating on other women truly is internalized misogyny. I do hate the PTA though. I pay a TON in taxes and I don't believe in things like the PTA. Why should I fundraise for books for the library when I see the bloat at county school admin headquarters? And why should one school get more just because their kids are wealthier and the PTA there raises more? It should be equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband was an ass for saying that. There's nothing magical about being in a sorority. Tell him sorority girls are GIRLS, not women. If he wants you to get your nails done and highlights, it will cost XX per month. In terms of wardrobe, there was a point where I just decided Old Navy was not cutting it, and went 50% less often to buy tops, but got them all at Nordstrom Rack and that improved my wardrobe a lot. I've been wearing the same two sweaters from there for the last five years and still get compliments when I wear them.

Just seek out your people, OP. There are other goofy sarcastic people out there, also looking for friends.

Just to counter this. I was in a sorority at a small school know for STEM and pre-med rograms - but a sorority nonetheless. It served as an intense 24/7 multi-year social skills group and boot camp for suburban motherhood in ways I only now realize.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s. Now that I am a parent and have friends with kids on the autism spectrum and another friend who was diagnosed as autistic in her 40s, I realize there is a decent chance I am also autistic. I am an only child. Most of my close friends in HS and college were guys. My husband is quiet and nerdy. I was always described as quirky.

The difference with OP is that I AM on the PTA. I am never going to be besties with the “cool” moms or leave my house every day in purposely chosen outfit with curled hair and makeup, but I know how to dress and act when I am in the presence of the moms OP is referring to. I can gauge when I am being genuinely included and when it is out of pity or because they just need my time and labor. I can laugh at the right jokes and receive gossip without spreading it. I can play that character to the extent that it benefits my children in terms of play dates, invitations, and carpools. I can’t imagine playing that character 24/7 with my spouse! My spouse is my safe space where I can be my weirdo self and know he loves me as I am.

I will add a funny anecdote I had with one of my sorority sisters my senior year. I forget how it came up, but I admitted that it sometimes hurt my feeling that they didn’t invite me to something. Dancing at a club? Keg party? Who knows. Her response was “we love spending time with you, but you don’t like to do the same things we do.” And she was right. I had declined their invitations often enough they just started to assume what I would or would not want to participate in. So lesson learned that sometimes you have to speak up and tell people what you want and that you also need to be true to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be fake. Your husband told you it would be nice to be married to a "sorority girl" (what a weird thing for a grown ass man to say, considering sorority girls are like, 19) and you're debating how to change?

Of course it's a troll post, I don't even know why I'm asking. You're setting it up so a bunch of men can come post about how women don't want to be soft/feminine/whatever anymore. Go away.

I think it’s real. Men are dumb or at least inarticulate. Last week my friend’s husband told her he likes hanging out with me at swim meets because I ask him about his work and seem genuinely interested. We had a good laugh about it, but I told my husband and his response was “what idiot would tell his wife “I like talking to your friend more than talking to you.” ? ? ?