What to do when your wife is somewhat unreasonable

[Anonymous]

I always complete a project so this would make me crazy and very frustrated. Can you insist on organizational steps that would break down the tasks? The rose garden for example:
- Dig out what is currently in the ground.
-Purchase new plants.
-Plant the new shrubs.
-Mulch.

She should also assign a time frame to each task.
I feel like she is unaware of the labor involved. It might help for her to see the numbers written down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always complete a project so this would make me crazy and very frustrated. Can you insist on organizational steps that would break down the tasks? The rose garden for example:
- Dig out what is currently in the ground.
-Purchase new plants.
-Plant the new shrubs.
-Mulch.

She should also assign a time frame to each task.
I feel like she is unaware of the labor involved. It might help for her to see the numbers written down.

This is great advice for a parent of a child with ADHD. For a spouse...I wouldn't recommend it.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had this dynamic, and it's extremely common for couples with ADHD. Marriage coaching and individual therapy absolutely turned our marriage around. I read this really good article about it which I can't find now, but here is one that describes the dynamic:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201401/adhd-relationships-when-helping-out-hurts-your-partnership

Some quotes:

"One of the most common issues in troubled ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships is that of parent/child dynamics. That is, a non-ADHD partner becomes the partner in control, while an ADHD partner loses authority."

"The unbalanced power in a parent/child adult relationship tends to be negatively reinforcing. The more power a non-ADHD partner wields, the more resentful the ADHD partner tends to become, sometimes leading to active resistance to the more powerful non-ADHD partner. That resistance discourages the effort needed to treat ADHD symptoms in a way that will improve reliability and increase power for the ADHD partner. In addition, being the 'childlike' partner in the parent/child dynamic is debilitating. When the 'story' of the relationship becomes that one partner is incompetent, both partners may find ways to reinforce that message or, perhaps, interpret events through that lens.

"Parent/child dynamics are not much fun for the non-ADHD partner, either. Few adults want to feel as if the only way something will get done is if they boss their partner around or nag. Nor do they want the crushing responsibility that taking on so much of their partner's work entails. Parent figures typically become very frustrated and short with their partners, and long for the support of another "competent adult" figure in their life.

"And, of course, an unbalanced partnership is not at all romantic. Who wants to be intimate with a parent figure…or a 'child figure'?"

[Anonymous]

If you guys both have major jobs, why don’t you hire a gardener and a plumber?

[Anonymous]

Your wife wants connection with you, op. Sometimes a lady needs her husband way more than she needs a therapist. Plus, what’ wrong with your wife wanting connection with you. The roses are something she can look at and smell, people notice them and then she can coo about how her sweet husband put them in or helped or even heck just suggested it, but no, you want to send her to therapy while you go hide in the bathroom to fix a leak.. with what time, op?
As for the prioritizing the kids, of course she agreed to that, every good mom would. That being said, she’s a human and a woman first and you seem to be using her as a means to an end.
Why can’t you cook the lamb together or even cook it while she takes the kids to activities if they really all that important, and yes, sometimes they really are.
I know for me, I stop liking my husband when his priorities seem to be about everything but me. I feel like I’ve been put in the freezer just waiting for him to decide he cares about me. Long term goals are good, it’s good to care about other people, but you and your wife need to take care of each other and of your marriage. Nobody else can do that, not unless the end of the marriage is an option which it will be if you guys don’t step it up. Say what you will about your wife, you are the one refusing to treat her like a beloved spouse. I’d bet that if she is silly, she’ll be less so once you start getting some warm affection back into the day to day with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

This is part of the problem and its not sustainable. Is your wife on social media? If so, she probably shouldn't be. That's who is telling her all these things she "needs" to be doing.

You’re not wrong but we are where we are. We just have to get through till the kids are driving (5 years). As to your other point she’s a social media fiend

I think you should rethink this. You are really going to be missing out if you put off camping and gardening and cooking nice meals together as a family until your kids are 16. They aren’t going to want to do those things with you anymore.

You are a lot more likely to have more opportunities for career advancement in 5 years than you are to have opportunities to go camping with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

Well, I think the first thing to do is admit your own fears. Why do you have to run at 120%? What will happen if you don’t?
You don’t have to express them here, but to your wife. What’s your childhood stuff that won’t let you take ten extra minutes to cook a nice dinner for your family or hire a plumber? Which of your parents made you feel like your whole life had to be optimized?

[Anonymous]

I take her and the stuff if you do not want her. The stuff sounds useable. She sound interesting to me.