What to do when your wife is somewhat unreasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

This is part of the problem and its not sustainable. Is your wife on social media? If so, she probably shouldn't be. That's who is telling her all these things she "needs" to be doing.

You’re not wrong but we are where we are. We just have to get through till the kids are driving (5 years). As to your other point she’s a social media fiend

[Anonymous]

Rack of lamb is super easy to prep, and a couple of sides are very easy to make, too.

A lamb died and you threw it away. You both need to get your heads out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

This is part of the problem and its not sustainable. Is your wife on social media? If so, she probably shouldn't be. That's who is telling her all these things she "needs" to be doing.

You’re not wrong but we are where we are. We just have to get through till the kids are driving (5 years). As to your other point she’s a social media fiend

There’s no magic fix if you won’t change either of those things, so good luck I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD?

Sure looks like it! I have have ADHD and $hit like this all the time.

Same here. Spouse peeters out on everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

This is part of the problem and its not sustainable. Is your wife on social media? If so, she probably shouldn't be. That's who is telling her all these things she "needs" to be doing.

You’re not wrong but we are where we are. We just have to get through till the kids are driving (5 years). As to your other point she’s a social media fiend

She sounds like a loser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't know how you can broach the subject of ADHD, but this is what she likely has. The executive function issues, the emotional dysregulation, it's all textbook. She will probably balk at any psych diagnosis, but if she could be persuaded to try meds, it might help with the chaos and mood issues.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

Hahaha this is such a DCUM cliche, but the answer to less rotting food and abandoned projects at my house was therapy and ADHD meds (for me) and parenthood. One of our kids very much has the same tendencies as me - only it’s me who then has to water the plant, feed the fish, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD?

Sure looks like it! I have have ADHD and $hit like this all the time.

Me too. Plus I'm a perfectionist and aspirational with lots of ideas about what I could/should do around the house, which all translates into aborted projects and buying things that will never be used.

DH here, I'm the same way and it drives my DW nuts, and we have a small house so clutter is a BIG ISSUE.

Don't know if I have ADHD though... I just want to "Try Everything" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnSYihRoGA4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rack of lamb is super easy to prep, and a couple of sides are very easy to make, too.

A lamb died and you threw it away. You both need to get your heads out.

Yeah im disgusted by all the people saying who cares about the baby sheep who was murdered for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rack of lamb is super easy to prep, and a couple of sides are very easy to make, too.

A lamb died and you threw it away. You both need to get your heads out.

I was thinking that too. It takes maybe ten more minutes than tacos.

I also don’t think it takes more than a few hours to plant a rose garden. Especially if someone has already gotten rid of the grass.

These aren’t ongoing projects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

My husband is amazing but he has zero interest in gardening, which is my passion. I hire help as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rack of lamb is super easy to prep, and a couple of sides are very easy to make, too.

A lamb died and you threw it away. You both need to get your heads out.

I was thinking that too. It takes maybe ten more minutes than tacos.

I also don’t think it takes more than a few hours to plant a rose garden. Especially if someone has already gotten rid of the grass.

These aren’t ongoing projects.

But also like why didn’t OP just put the lamb in the freezer before it went bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rack of lamb is super easy to prep, and a couple of sides are very easy to make, too.

A lamb died and you threw it away. You both need to get your heads out.

I was thinking that too. It takes maybe ten more minutes than tacos.

I also don’t think it takes more than a few hours to plant a rose garden. Especially if someone has already gotten rid of the grass.

These aren’t ongoing projects.

But also like why didn’t OP just put the lamb in the freezer before it went bad?

Trolls don’t think that much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have ADHD?

Sure looks like it! I have have ADHD and $hit like this all the time.

Me too! All aboard the ADHD make-big-plans-then-abandon-'em train, woo woo!

[Anonymous]

You can pay time and money for her to see a therapist….
Or
you can realize she has some type of ADHD, and work with it.
My DH starts a hundred things, hardly ever finishes. I know this, I pick my spots. I also accept that his role is to start things, I finish them.
You can actually use it to advantage OP, ADHD people can turn on a dime, so for example if I need something picked up last minute, end of day, DH is always up for it when it’s the last thing I want to do.