What to do when your wife is somewhat unreasonable
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Anonymous
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My wife and I have been together for a long time. We’re a reasonably happy couple with 3 kids. We both have serious professional jobs and a house that needs a lot of work. Which is a long way of saying we don’t have a lot of free time. My issue is that my wife is not reasonable about what is possible to do.
Some examples are: she buys ingredients for elaborate meals that the kids won’t eat and we don’t have time to make. (I just tossed a rack of lamb that rotted in our fridge for a week- because we’re really only have time to make tacos or pasta). She bought a bunch of high adventure camping gear that’s really only appropriate for serious wilderness hikers and survivalists. It’s still in the boxes a year later (We are at best car campers and with all of our kids’ activities we can really only go on vacation once a year) She starts projects like putting in rosebeds that tear up the yard and because she doesn’t have time to finish I end up doing it. Which then crushes our weekend and doesn’t let me get to the projects I really need to work on like fixing the leak in the kids bathroom. When I try to talk to her about it she throws a tantrum and either says I think she’s worthless/stupid/bad mom. Or she goes on the attack and says I don’t care about her/ don’t want her to be happy. I’ve suggested councling or therapy but she gets mad at that. It sounds crazy to say but other than that I think we have a pretty awesome life and marriage. Any advice is appreciated. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like she is also stressed and her outlet is imagining herself as the aspirational version of herself instead of being realistic.
Maybe HomeChef or Blue Apron is compromise between Rack of Lamb and pasta. Does she even enjoy camping? Is she craving adventure? Why can’t she go camping for 1-2 nights with 1 kid instead of waiting for a magical weekend when everyone is free? Does she like yardwork or just rip stuff out because she wants a change? Can you talk about a long term vision for the yard and chip away at it? How can you approach her ideas with curiosity and help her identify the itch she is trying to scratch BEFORE she buys the lamb/tent/plants? |
Anonymous
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I feel your pain. But if you guys truly have a pretty awesome life and marriage, then I'd say learn to pick your battles.
So, based on your examples, say absolutely nothing about the camping gear--they're aspirational and not harming anything. Food waste: tell her you had to toss the lamb b/c it's rotted, and leave it at that. This happens in my household too and my DH is usually the one who overbuys. I just mention to him about having to toss the rotten food and he would feel remorseful without any additional commentary. Or, maybe put things in the freezer if you could not get around to cooking it. I would leave the yard and focus on the leaky bathroom. Can you throw money at the problems? Hire landscaping service? My DH likes to buy all kinds of hobby stuff and always has multiple irons in the fire. I don't like the way he prioritizes things, but I will only insist he focus on certain projects when they're absolutely critical and urgent. I have to let a lot of things go. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. We don't always see eye to eye, but somehow (eventually) we get things done. |
Anonymous
| Does she have ADHD? |
Anonymous
Sure looks like it! I have have ADHD and $hit like this all the time. |
Anonymous
Op here. Approaching with curiosity is a great way to start. I’m surprised that I got advice that good. Thanks ! |
Anonymous
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It's very obvious to me what the real problem is.
She feels very crunched for time, but has a case of the "shoulds" - I should be cooking meals from scratch. I should have a nice yard. I should be able to do more in a hobby. We should be able to take more involved vacations. It's so, so common with UMC moms, and it's soul sucking. For your part, I would do a few things simultaneously. First, let some of it go. If the food budget is fine, don't worry about the "goal" food that never gets eaten, just toss the lamb without comment. If she's not killing your budget with gear, just let that go. It can gather dust till the kids are older. Either leave the yard torn up until she gets to it, or skip the leaky bathroom for another weekend. You might not be able to let ALL of it go, but half, at least. Honestly, the only thing on that list I think is worth upending the apple cart over is the rosebushes, since it's putting work on you, but your preferences may vary. Let the other stuff go. Second of all - she needs a self esteem boost. Look for places where you're honestly appreciative of all she does as a mom and complement her. Sincerely, casually, briefly, and often. My husband is great at this, and while every once in a while I do roll my eyes, all those casual "you're such a good mom" as I put away a stack of folded laundry or "you handed that so well" after I deal with some kid misbehavior... it's really gotten into my psyche in a positive way and it's improved my self talk. You say you think overall you have a pretty awesome life together - tell her that! Finally - focus on the real problem. Don't go to her about the torn up yard or the rotting lamb. Try opening up a conversation about how she's feeling. During a calm moment after the kids are in bed. "Sometimes I feel like you're really hard on yourself as a mom." and let her talk. See what she has to say. That's the root of the problem, and the more you can be the soft spot where she can be vulnerable and talk about her insecurities, the better off you'll all be. |
Anonymous
| Why didn’t you put the lamb in the freezer before it rotted? |
Anonymous
Me too. Plus I'm a perfectionist and aspirational with lots of ideas about what I could/should do around the house, which all translates into aborted projects and buying things that will never be used. |
Anonymous
| Bc they have busy lives. Food rotting is a common/reasonable thing that happens. It's not the problem. |
Anonymous
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I think I’m a lot like your wife.
It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it. It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden. |
Anonymous
| Trade her in on a new model |
Anonymous
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I would let go of the stuff that is just money — it sounds like you can afford it. My husband buys expensive stuff regularly that he never, ever used. I’ve let it go.
If my husband created a project for me without my input, I would simply decline to participate unless I actually really care about it. He does stuff like this for me pretty regularly around food. Like, here is a bushel of tomatoes for you to can, when I have never canned a vegetable in my life. I ignore it, throw it away, give them to neighbors, etc. it is totally ridiculous, but he is amazing in many other ways. |
Anonymous
| When your wife is unreasonable, turn off your phone and go to the gym. When she comes back and asks where you were, just shrug and say "out". |
Anonymous
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My husband does stuff like this. I definitely do the over estimating how much time I will have to cook thing. You have to ask yourself if this is really hurting anyone. Stuff that’s just a waste of money let go unless your budget is really really tight.
And just keep in mind she is being judged way more harshly than you are. Dads get credit for picking up McDonalds. Moms are doing dinner wrong pretty much no matter what. Either they are lazy and phoning it in or they are “making everything so much harder than it needs to be “. I would bet you a ton of money she really feels like she’s a failure when you mention these things - you sort of made it sound like she was trying to make you feel bad. But I doubt it. If somethings really affecting you, like the gardening or whatever just say hey next time can we pick a time to do it together or something. |