What to do when your wife is somewhat unreasonable

[Anonymous]

Sorry, this isn't normal. Then she attacks YOU when you ask when she plans to return to othe project.( rose bushes). Who forgets there is a big roast in your refrigerator? This isn't a case of Tuesday's leftovers being forgotten. I do not diagnose, but something is not right.

[Anonymous]

She likely has ADHD and needs meds to rewire her brain to make projects proportional to her energy and time.

My friend with ADHD does exactly the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, if your life is otherwise good then just accept it. But take some of the better advice above like showing curiosity, not criticizing her wild experiments, and giving her lots of compliments so she stops feeling insecure and comparing herself to momfluencers.

The way she reacts to you is not great though. Like, I occasionally get overambitious in grocery shopping and ingredients go to waste. But I would never say all that mean stuff if DH pointed it out. Hopefully her self-esteem improves once you start the above. Otherwise yeah she probably does need therapy.

You sound like a surprisingly decent husband btw.

[Anonymous]

Her attacks are defensiveness. She's probably very embarrassed about these things. I used to get like that with my husband when he got really critical. I was always trying to do better but couldn't, and then got defensive. Not exactly like your wife but I know how embarrassing these things can be! It got better when I embraced my ADHD and stopped feeling like those things were some kind of reflection of my worth as a mom and partner. It also helped that my husband stopped being critical. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong but I bet the advice you received to approach the situation with curiosity will go a long way. It's much easier for me to laugh about my foibles and try to do better when I know my partner truly loves and likes me.

[Anonymous]

Could you maybe think of these things as an opportunity to be romantic?
Like, instead of going on a date night, you make the rack of lamb together? And instead of going on a weekend trip, you put in the rose bushes or clean out the things you don’t need from the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is also stressed and her outlet is imagining herself as the aspirational version of herself instead of being realistic.

Maybe HomeChef or Blue Apron is compromise between Rack of Lamb and pasta.
Does she even enjoy camping? Is she craving adventure? Why can’t she go camping for 1-2 nights with 1 kid instead of waiting for a magical weekend when everyone is free?
Does she like yardwork or just rip stuff out because she wants a change? Can you talk about a long term vision for the yard and chip away at it?

How can you approach her ideas with curiosity and help her identify the itch she is trying to scratch BEFORE she buys the lamb/tent/plants?

Another question- How are you at making decisions? Does she just embark on her half planned schemes because if she waited for you to plan a meal, commit to a vacation, change the yard, etc. it would literally never happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you maybe think of these things as an opportunity to be romantic?
Like, instead of going on a date night, you make the rack of lamb together? And instead of going on a weekend trip, you put in the rose bushes or clean out the things you don’t need from the house?

Op here. Thanks those are good suggestions. However, it’s tough to be romantic when I’m so annoyed with her. We’re are really busy on purpose. We made the decision to prioritize the kids retirement savings and our careers and we knew that meant major sacrifices in other areas and a tough couple of years. And it’s super annoying that now that that we are locked in that camping and gardening are now priorities.

[Anonymous]

Learn how to spell before you start criticizing your wife. Counseling...not counciling. TBH you two sound perfect for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you maybe think of these things as an opportunity to be romantic?
Like, instead of going on a date night, you make the rack of lamb together? And instead of going on a weekend trip, you put in the rose bushes or clean out the things you don’t need from the house?

Op here. Thanks those are good suggestions. However, it’s tough to be romantic when I’m so annoyed with her. We’re are really busy on purpose. We made the decision to prioritize the kids retirement savings and our careers and we knew that meant major sacrifices in other areas and a tough couple of years. And it’s super annoying that now that that we are locked in that camping and gardening are now priorities.

Like, you aren’t planning to have any date nights, trips, or any kind of intimate time together for several years?

That does not sound like a good way to prioritize your retirement savings, man. That sounds like a good way to cut it in half.

If you want to prioritize your kids and your retirement savings, just do the stuff your wife wants to do like half the time, and don’t act annoyed about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn how to spell before you start criticizing your wife. Counseling...not counciling. TBH you two sound perfect for each other.

Wow. That is some snotty trolling. Did someone not get enough attention today? Don’t worry hunny bunny it going to be alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you maybe think of these things as an opportunity to be romantic?
Like, instead of going on a date night, you make the rack of lamb together? And instead of going on a weekend trip, you put in the rose bushes or clean out the things you don’t need from the house?

Op here. Thanks those are good suggestions. However, it’s tough to be romantic when I’m so annoyed with her. We’re are really busy on purpose. We made the decision to prioritize the kids retirement savings and our careers and we knew that meant major sacrifices in other areas and a tough couple of years. And it’s super annoying that now that that we are locked in that camping and gardening are now priorities.

I'm the wife but I agree with you OP. I'd be super annoyed if my husband bought all this stuff that just felt like more chores to me. Thankfully he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't know how you can broach the subject of ADHD, but this is what she likely has. The executive function issues, the emotional dysregulation, it's all textbook. She will probably balk at any psych diagnosis, but if she could be persuaded to try meds, it might help with the chaos and mood issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m a lot like your wife.

It means a lot to me when my husband helps out with these little projects. It would make me feel loved and connected if we spent the weekend working together to put in a rose garden that I wanted. I would feel good about my husband and my marriage every time I looked at it.

It would absolutely hurt me if my husband told me that he thought it was a waste of time, and he wished he had spent the weekend fixing something that we could absolutely hire someone to fix. Instead of feeling lucky and loving, I would feel lonely and stupid every time I looked at the rose garden.

I’m the first commenter and I too am a lot like you and OP’s wife. The thing is that if my husband indulged all my half-baked ideas with loving enthusiasm, he would never get to have any projects or hobbies of his own because he would be indulging me AND like OP’s bathroom leak, keeping our house from falling down around us. It took me a while to realize how much my hobbies and projects usually are 1-2 weeks of fun for me and then my husband takes over caring for them. Like the compost bin I never rotated, the garden I never tend to, the solo stove I can’t light by myself, etc. I have a track record of introducing things that make more work for him and he finally asked me to stop - or to give something up if I wanted a new thing.

Ultimately the little projects have to be mutual or you have to be able to be just as enthusiastic and supportive of his little projects too.

Op here. That’s a commendable amount of self awareness. Your husband is a lucky guy. Can I ask you what helps when you are in a little self esteem spiral. When my wife gets down it’s a day killer and we’re at 120% of capacity already

This is part of the problem and its not sustainable. Is your wife on social media? If so, she probably shouldn't be. That's who is telling her all these things she "needs" to be doing.