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[quote=Anonymous]My husband and I had this dynamic, and it's extremely common for couples with ADHD. Marriage coaching and individual therapy absolutely turned our marriage around. I read this really good article about it which I can't find now, but here is one that describes the dynamic:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201401/adhd-relationships-when-helping-out-hurts-your-partnership

Some quotes:

"One of the most common issues in troubled ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships is that of parent/child dynamics. That is, a non-ADHD partner becomes the partner in control, while an ADHD partner loses authority."

"The unbalanced power in a parent/child adult relationship tends to be negatively reinforcing. The more power a non-ADHD partner wields, the more resentful the ADHD partner tends to become, sometimes leading to active resistance to the more powerful non-ADHD partner. That resistance discourages the effort needed to treat ADHD symptoms in a way that will improve reliability and increase power for the ADHD partner. In addition, being the 'childlike' partner in the parent/child dynamic is debilitating. When the 'story' of the relationship becomes that one partner is incompetent, both partners may find ways to reinforce that message or, perhaps, interpret events through that lens.

"Parent/child dynamics are not much fun for the non-ADHD partner, either. Few adults want to feel as if the only way something will get done is if they boss their partner around or nag. Nor do they want the crushing responsibility that taking on so much of their partner's work entails. Parent figures typically become very frustrated and short with their partners, and long for the support of another "competent adult" figure in their life.

"And, of course, an unbalanced partnership is not at all romantic. Who wants to be intimate with a parent figure…or a 'child figure'?"[/quote]

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