Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

[Anonymous]

I guess I should say this: Your children decide their friends, not you. The only time I’d interject is if a chosen friend treated them terribly or showed some other red flag.

[Anonymous]

Our public was like this, but of course it wasn't the "moneyed set" but just some other clique. We left and went to private (not a ritzy one) and it was lovely. Back in public now and not loving it, but at least in high school the parents are less involved in social lives.

[Anonymous]

THIS (below) is so incredibly invalidating of a response to the OP that I am not surprised you have “no idea” what she is talking about. Seems like you also have “no idea” what actually goes on between girls and women or how to support people who bravely step forward, either!

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you're manufacturing this scenario in your head. My kids go to a private school and we are by far not the wealthiest there but everyone is welcoming and our kids have had no trouble making friends. Maybe in K or even first the moms can force it, but my second grade kids have opinions about who they hang out with. Sure, if they don't know your kid then they might not choose to have a play date with her, but they have a ton of interaction at school and it seems to me that that's mostly how alliances are forged. My kids do a different sport than all their classmates and we live in a different area as well but they both still have friends (and have every year). We do play dates when we can, but I'm certainly not trying to manufacture any relationships for my kids nor am I trying to climb any kind of a ladder (seriously, I went to private school and now send my kids and I haven no idea what you're talking about). I really think this is a figment of your imagination. So just relax.

[Anonymous]

I often see social engineering mentioned on here. I have heard people say it is about money or status or being popular.

I have three kids. My kids pick their own friends. Sure, when kids were in kindergarten and first grade, it may have mattered slightly if I liked the mom. My youngest is in first grade now and her closest friends are her friends she has chosen, not necessarily the ones of moms I like or want to hang out with.

We are one of the wealthiest families and I absolutely do not care how much money the other family has.

[Anonymous]

Weird how people can "prattle" (is there a barf emoji?) on about how OP is absolutely wrong. You have no idea where OP's kids go to school. Can it be that her reality doesn't match the world you are living in? Imagine that.

Great! Your school is totally different. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe this is happening anywhere.

Yes I think this is probably all in OP’s head. She mentions having anxiety, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We no longer attend the same school but there was definitely a group of moms who hung out together and signed their girls up for the same dance and activities. They were rich and cliquey.

I’m very friendly with a few moms in my daughter’s grade and we also sign up for dance together now. This is not some scheme to exclude others. Our daughters are friends, in the same class and both like dance so we signed up together.

A lot of this may be in your head.

Soooo, when they signed up their kids up for the same classes it was cliquey but now that you do the same thing, it’s not? Got it.

[Anonymous]

We are at a public with lots of mom social engineering. It’s not around wealth at all but it does dictate who plays with who. I’ve had to suck it up and deal with some families I don’t care for just so kid can be part of the crew.

Once they get to middle school next year I think/hope it will become less parent driven.

[Anonymous]

Op, you chose this school going in, why now the complaining here? To shame them? Won't work. They will mever see your post and even if they did won't care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public with lots of mom social engineering. It’s not around wealth at all but it does dictate who plays with who. I’ve had to suck it up and deal with some families I don’t care for just so kid can be part of the crew.

Once they get to middle school next year I think/hope it will become less parent driven.

I’m not sure it is social engineering. If a kid is well liked, that kid will be included and invited. If your kid is on the periphery and parents are not part of the school community, that child might not be thought about and invited.

I have 3 kids. My oldest has two friends with divorced parents whose moms are essentially non existent at school. Both boys are very nice boys, athletic and social. I have been driving and paying for the one friend since they were little.

My other kids hang out with mostly involved parents. I don’t pick the friends. My kids pick the friends and I coordinate with parents.

If the kid is shy or weird and parent is weird or antisocial, no one is going out of their way to make plans with these people. If I click or like parents, I may attempt a play date but if kids don’t get along, that friendship is not going anywhere no matter how much I like the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often see social engineering mentioned on here. I have heard people say it is about money or status or being popular.

I have three kids. My kids pick their own friends. Sure, when kids were in kindergarten and first grade, it may have mattered slightly if I liked the mom. My youngest is in first grade now and her closest friends are her friends she has chosen, not necessarily the ones of moms I like or want to hang out with.

We are one of the wealthiest families and I absolutely do not care how much money the other family has.

People probably gravitate towards your family but you don’t realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often see social engineering mentioned on here. I have heard people say it is about money or status or being popular.

I have three kids. My kids pick their own friends. Sure, when kids were in kindergarten and first grade, it may have mattered slightly if I liked the mom. My youngest is in first grade now and her closest friends are her friends she has chosen, not necessarily the ones of moms I like or want to hang out with.

We are one of the wealthiest families and I absolutely do not care how much money the other family has.

People probably gravitate towards your family but you don’t realize it.

DH sometimes will say families want to hang out with us because of HIM. Dh is very successful. I laugh at him and will say it is because of ME. At the end of the day, my kids are happy well adjusted kids. They are great kids and have a lot of friends. I don’t think their friendships have anything to do with us parents.

[Anonymous]

If it's a private school, you need to participate so your kid won't be left out socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public with lots of mom social engineering. It’s not around wealth at all but it does dictate who plays with who. I’ve had to suck it up and deal with some families I don’t care for just so kid can be part of the crew.

Once they get to middle school next year I think/hope it will become less parent driven.

I’m not sure it is social engineering. If a kid is well liked, that kid will be included and invited. If your kid is on the periphery and parents are not part of the school community, that child might not be thought about and invited.

I have 3 kids. My oldest has two friends with divorced parents whose moms are essentially non existent at school. Both boys are very nice boys, athletic and social. I have been driving and paying for the one friend since they were little.

My other kids hang out with mostly involved parents. I don’t pick the friends. My kids pick the friends and I coordinate with parents.

If the kid is shy or weird and parent is weird or antisocial, no one is going out of their way to make plans with these people. If I click or like parents, I may attempt a play date but if kids don’t get along, that friendship is not going anywhere no matter how much I like the parents.

It is social engineering in this community. The parents organize almost all activities and social interactions for their kids. I’ve considered distancing myself from the annoying families but we stick it out because my kid likes this group of kids.

[Anonymous]

I was lucky enough to witness this in a “fancy” part-time preschool and it was a key concern when we picked a private K-12. It’s been such a relief to no longer deal with it and know my daughter won’t be second-choice just because of our HHI.

We are now blissfully free of those parents who are desperate for playdates with wealthy families, all the club parents carpooling to hockey and diving classes for their kids, all the gatekeeping over activities, the text chains you don’t want to be on but also are aware of enough to be affected by…

And yes these are largely oldish DC families, often interrelated, with dabbler husbands, plus wealthy newcomers who aspire to that life. The worst is when you attend meet-the-teacher events and these families only care to talk with each other.