Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

[Anonymous]

New to a school where elementary moms push friendships based on desire to social climb and have their kid be friends with the moneyed set. I feel like I need to do all these 1:1 play dates just so my kid doesn’t get left out in the cold. problem is, I don’t love any of these girls/families and I’d rather spend time with my own family than add another play date to the list. Also, while doing well, we are just not in the same league $$$ wise as many of these families. I just find this dynamic so shallow and a huge ick-factor. Do you just play the game for your kids sake and try to foster these relationships? Do things get better in middle school or are friendships pretty much set in stone early on, in a k-8?

[Anonymous]

This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

[Anonymous]

We are one of the richer families at our school. No one seems to be social engineering to be our friends. We are always the ones to do the inviting. People accept and rarely reciprocate.

My kids get invited to a lot of birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

+1
I've never even heard about that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

+1
I've never even heard about that

+2 my kids’ public is nothing like this. Most of the parents are friendly but busy.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been at public and now at private. I don’t play the games OP. I don’t know if I’m missing out because I choose not to care. My kid has friends, I have mom friends. Some are moms of my kids friends and some aren’t. It’s ok. Be happy.

[Anonymous]

Our school is like this. Each grade’s cohort differs a bit into how many parents play this game, but no grade seems to be immune to it and since it’s a prek-8 it reverberates through middle school.

I stay out of it. My DD went through all of last year with just 1 play date at her request, and has hosted and joined 3 this year. There are 3-4 moms who are running constant playdates or big group events. When they are big group events, my DD is always invited but chooses to attend less than half the time. She is secure and confident in her friendships now, but we both felt overwhelmed in K-2nd grade. I don’t like my entire social life being wrapped up in school parents and she struggled to balance her neighborhood and activity friendships with the school social FOMO.

Eventually I realized that a lot of these people don’t actually like each other but have decided that because of their various attributes (specific streets they live on, vacation destinations, grandparents’ social status, careers) that they “should” be friends. Both DD and I are relieved to just hang out with who we want when we want. The consequences so far have been more for me than for her- I don’t get invited to adult cocktail and dinner parties, but DD has plenty of social opportunities regardless of whether I play along. We’re content.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids with very different personalities. Dh and I have the exact same social standing and our 3 kids have varying degrees of popularity.

My middle child is the most popular of the three kids. There definitely are some parents who try to get their kids to hang out with the more popular kids or who they deem worthy to be in their friend groups. I’m not sure it is related to the parents. It seems more based on the kid.

I put in a lot of effort for my shy oldest child. His current friendships have absolutely nothing to do with us.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. This social engineering or parent planning only happens in early grades. By age 8 or so, friendships are kid led, not parents.

[Anonymous]

We choose not to live in a place that shallow.

[Anonymous]

Our public school has one grade that's like this, 1st grade. The other grades are normal. We are not on the list of socially desirable families so playdates aren't reciprocated, we get birthday invites at the last minute, I was worried no one would come to his birthday. It sucks, I'm hoping the kids will control their own friendships as they get older, or maybe these very wealthy people will go to private school.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe this is happening anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our school is like this. Each grade’s cohort differs a bit into how many parents play this game, but no grade seems to be immune to it and since it’s a prek-8 it reverberates through middle school.

I stay out of it. My DD went through all of last year with just 1 play date at her request, and has hosted and joined 3 this year. There are 3-4 moms who are running constant playdates or big group events. When they are big group events, my DD is always invited but chooses to attend less than half the time. She is secure and confident in her friendships now, but we both felt overwhelmed in K-2nd grade. I don’t like my entire social life being wrapped up in school parents and she struggled to balance her neighborhood and activity friendships with the school social FOMO.

Eventually I realized that a lot of these people don’t actually like each other but have decided that because of their various attributes (specific streets they live on, vacation destinations, grandparents’ social status, careers) that they “should” be friends. Both DD and I are relieved to just hang out with who we want when we want. The consequences so far have been more for me than for her- I don’t get invited to adult cocktail and dinner parties, but DD has plenty of social opportunities regardless of whether I play along. We’re content.

I just don’t think I anyone has the energy to care about anyone else’s grandparents. The living on the same street thing makes sense, because it’s great to have neighbor friends who can do play dates.

[Anonymous]

Trust me- many of these ppl are stay at home moms and focus intently on their social scene or kids perceived social status

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. This social engineering or parent planning only happens in early grades. By age 8 or so, friendships are kid led, not parents.

Sixth grade mom here and I wish this was the case.

Op, we stayed out of it and didn’t miss anything. While there is still engineering my kid has plenty of friends and their parents are all cool and normal.
So I think there was a benefit to not being in this mix.