Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

[Anonymous]

With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Whether it is preschool, public or private, some families get along. Some of our closest friends are from our daycare days. There was nothing exclusive about it and there was no social engineering. A few moms got along and our kids got along. They were BFFs in preschool and we went to the pool together, had family play dates, celebrated the moms and dads birthdays together, etc. We signed up for camps and sports and would carpool, eat together, etc.

I have seen parents of all different SES backgrounds do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.

[Anonymous]

I mean...how does your kid like softball? Not basketball. But concept also holds true regardless of sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.

I have been on both sides of this cliquey behavior. I have been in a room where everyone already know one another and doesn’t seem welcoming. I have also been with a group of people I haven’t seen since summer and catching up. I don’t think anyone is trying to exclude anyone.

I have been more friendly when I realize someone is my kid’s friend’s mom. I have also been included in this case. I have a very social daughter who was in the same class with kids with famous and rich parents. The same way I would be friendly to someone who they have heard their kid talk about, they would say that their kid has mentioned my kid a lot. I never really felt included or friends with these rich and famous parents but we did play dates and chit chatted slightly at pick up drop off. One mom was very private but I think it was more because her husband is so famous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

NP here. I used to think this, and actively encouraged playdates, whatever was age appropriate. Then later down the line, at the start of high school, some of the "girl moms" insert themselves. They want their kid to hang out with whomever is having the parties (which are bad news, anyway). Those moms are very one way, in that they ask all the questions, but give none of the answers, so they reveal themselves early. Yes, this is public school. Yes, this is where you would think it would be. And yes, things really do work out for the best, because your kid (whether subjected to this nonsense or not) will find their people, good people, socially and academically.

OP, find the like moms that are not into social climbing. It is not that difficult. The social climbing moms will never change, they will always be the way that they are, to their detriment.

[Anonymous]

If this is a small private school, it's important to join in on the social engineering. If public, not so much.

[Anonymous]

We moved to a middle class burb and public where none of this happens. It was a relief because our old town was very intense.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t understand what people could be “climbing” towards. There’s no prize for having rich friends unless you’re recruiting investors or selling insurance or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand what people could be “climbing” towards. There’s no prize for having rich friends unless you’re recruiting investors or selling insurance or something.

They’re climbing toward trying to get on the “good” rec team coached by the popular dad with all the “cool” kids to getting invited to the pre-auction cocktail party to being asked to join the winter break ski trip with 6 other families who always go to x destination. Honestly, people just want to be included, and the climbing is a sort of yucky try-hard attempt at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand what people could be “climbing” towards. There’s no prize for having rich friends unless you’re recruiting investors or selling insurance or something.

They’re climbing toward trying to get on the “good” rec team coached by the popular dad with all the “cool” kids to getting invited to the pre-auction cocktail party to being asked to join the winter break ski trip with 6 other families who always go to x destination. Honestly, people just want to be included, and the climbing is a sort of yucky try-hard attempt at that.

We are one of the wealthier families in our public school. I have one boy in high school and one boy in middle school. My boys both hang out with a good group of friends. I’m not sure if they are the cool kids or the popular kids but they are all smart, good looking and athletic. There is no social engineering by the parents. My boys pick their own friends.

I feel like I am often the one hosting or inviting but the people we invite are chosen by the kids.

[Anonymous]

By middle school, the kids who were forced to play together either love each other or hate each other, with the less popular ones getting bullied by the kids they were forced to do playdates with. It is better in the long run to stay out of the social engineering so that your kids learn hands-on how to make friends.

My kid who is shy has a few friends that she made all on her own. She is not bullied by the main mean girl of her grade. That girl apparently mainly targets certain girls she was forced to play with in lower elementary. Weird, but not our problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.

What are you prattling on about? I have never, at any of the three private schools my kids have attended, seen someone actively try to prevent someone from talking to someone else. You people manufacture drama everywhere you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.

I have been on both sides of this cliquey behavior. I have been in a room where everyone already know one another and doesn’t seem welcoming. I have also been with a group of people I haven’t seen since summer and catching up. I don’t think anyone is trying to exclude anyone.

I have been more friendly when I realize someone is my kid’s friend’s mom. I have also been included in this case. I have a very social daughter who was in the same class with kids with famous and rich parents. The same way I would be friendly to someone who they have heard their kid talk about, they would say that their kid has mentioned my kid a lot. I never really felt included or friends with these rich and famous parents but we did play dates and chit chatted slightly at pick up drop off. One mom was very private but I think it was more because her husband is so famous.

Come on. Are the people linking arms in a circle so no one can join them? Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.

What are you prattling on about? I have never, at any of the three private schools my kids have attended, seen someone actively try to prevent someone from talking to someone else. You people manufacture drama everywhere you go.

Np - I have seen exactly one family do that, due to religion. It is uncommon but yes it does happen.