Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was lucky enough to witness this in a “fancy” part-time preschool and it was a key concern when we picked a private K-12. It’s been such a relief to no longer deal with it and know my daughter won’t be second-choice just because of our HHI.

We are now blissfully free of those parents who are desperate for playdates with wealthy families, all the club parents carpooling to hockey and diving classes for their kids, all the gatekeeping over activities, the text chains you don’t want to be on but also are aware of enough to be affected by…

And yes these are largely oldish DC families, often interrelated, with dabbler husbands, plus wealthy newcomers who aspire to that life. The worst is when you attend meet-the-teacher events and these families only care to talk with each other.

Eh we were in a preschool like this but it was during Covid. We were included and invited. It really is not that big of a deal and I don’t think it is as exclusive as you make it seem. We are wealthy but we are Asian American so not really included but not excluded either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

+1
I've never even heard about that

+2 my kids’ public is nothing like this. Most of the parents are friendly but busy.

My kid’s private school is nothing like this either! Wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are at a public with lots of mom social engineering. It’s not around wealth at all but it does dictate who plays with who. I’ve had to suck it up and deal with some families I don’t care for just so kid can be part of the crew.

Once they get to middle school next year I think/hope it will become less parent driven.

Yep, parents are way less involved in middle school. The social groups also shift dramatically at this age.

[Anonymous]

I mean, this definitely happens. The super popular and charismatic kids are fine no matter what. More middle of the pack kids can get a lot of help from their parents. I have one child who is effortlessly popular and one who has had some social struggles. I have always done the extra bit to facilitate that kid’s friendships- being super friendly when I
meet a parent in the grade, making sure we host a lot of playdates and good birthday parties. I think it’s helped some. She never had a shot until we moved to a public near our house though - previously went to a private that was like this this and to a certain extent it’s understandable- you encourage friendships in the neighborhood near you and we didn’t live in the same wealthy area as most people. But it did feel like people would not even waste their time chatting with you. It was a bit much. And hard on my DD - Kids know when they are never invited to any of the events that happen outside of school.

[Anonymous]

I really think this is all in your heads. Real things are people:
1) encourage friendships in their immediate neighborhoods or with any activity carpooling advantage
2) encourage play dates with kids of parents they like

They don’t know or care who is “rich” (which is obviously a relative term anyway especially at a private school). They don’t snub any parents for anything except being rude.

Nobody is that rich in DC and nobody cares. People are much more likely to fawn over powerful jobs. Even or especially when they’re not that lucrative.

[Anonymous]

I would pull my child out of a school like this.

[Anonymous]

I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

We live in McLean. When my kids were young, sure, we hung out with parents we liked. Now they are in middle and high school and we have no influence on who they hang out with. My 7th grader especially does not care which moms I like or we have history with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

We live in McLean. When my kids were young, sure, we hung out with parents we liked. Now they are in middle and high school and we have no influence on who they hang out with. My 7th grader especially does not care which moms I like or we have history with.

That's fine, it may not be everyone's experience. Your children didn't go to every school or interact with every cohort of kids, nor did you interact with every cohort of parents. There *are* some schools where this behavior is prevalent and it can be stressful, especially if you are new to the community and want to see your children fitting in. That can exacerbate the impact of a dynamic where some (or many, depending on the school/cohort) families put a lot of emphasis on who the parents are when arranging the social lives of young kids.

Sometimes all it takes is one or two families who are aggressive about this behavior to make it really unpleasant for others. And it can depend on the kids, too. There's a lot of dynamics at play.

[Anonymous]

The problem is when you’re an outsider and pick a school for the academic reputation /facilities / “opportunities” without understanding how low your family will be on the totem pole. You’ll be graciously invited to (or even host) whole-class events and spend half the time enjoying others’ company—and the other half listening to stories about get togethers, trips and classes it’s blithely assumed you won’t be a part of.

Much harder when you’re a sahm because it’s unavoidable and play dates are a daily thing. If you’re working you can either genuinely not engage or pretend you’re too busy to notice.

I think this parent scene culture shock is more prevalent in DC because there are so many outsiders. Move to town, benignly tour St Pats, Potomac or even a nice catholic school, and not realize what you’re getting into.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 19 and 14 and we’ve never experienced that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

We live in McLean. When my kids were young, sure, we hung out with parents we liked. Now they are in middle and high school and we have no influence on who they hang out with. My 7th grader especially does not care which moms I like or we have history with.

I think it’s really just younger kids. Do people really try to “social engineer” teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

We live in McLean. When my kids were young, sure, we hung out with parents we liked. Now they are in middle and high school and we have no influence on who they hang out with. My 7th grader especially does not care which moms I like or we have history with.

That's fine, it may not be everyone's experience. Your children didn't go to every school or interact with every cohort of kids, nor did you interact with every cohort of parents. There *are* some schools where this behavior is prevalent and it can be stressful, especially if you are new to the community and want to see your children fitting in. That can exacerbate the impact of a dynamic where some (or many, depending on the school/cohort) families put a lot of emphasis on who the parents are when arranging the social lives of young kids.

Sometimes all it takes is one or two families who are aggressive about this behavior to make it really unpleasant for others. And it can depend on the kids, too. There's a lot of dynamics at play.

+1

It’s not really which kids are popular or not - that’s just regular kid social dynamics. It’s the parents organizing activities, trips, get together as based on who they want their kids/families to be friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find and the "this doesn't happen" or "this is all in your head" posters interesting. It definitely does. I'm from a UMC/wealthy part of NoVa and there's always been a touch of this there, and it can be better or worse depending on the school, neighborhood, or cohort. My own parents absolutely sometimes used my brother's and my school cohorts for networking at times, andy mom was pretty open with us about who she thought we should be friends with (and it was never the kids whose dads' jobs were unknown or unimpressive).

It's just part of the culture some places. For most people in these communities, it's a feature not a bug. It's why many people choose certain neighborhoods or schools.

I don't get the posters convinced OP made it up. The bigger question for me is how OP wound up at a school like this if this culture is stressful to her. They must have stretched for a big name school without understanding the culture. It can be tough to be on the bottom rung at some of these places.

We live in McLean. When my kids were young, sure, we hung out with parents we liked. Now they are in middle and high school and we have no influence on who they hang out with. My 7th grader especially does not care which moms I like or we have history with.

That's fine, it may not be everyone's experience. Your children didn't go to every school or interact with every cohort of kids, nor did you interact with every cohort of parents. There *are* some schools where this behavior is prevalent and it can be stressful, especially if you are new to the community and want to see your children fitting in. That can exacerbate the impact of a dynamic where some (or many, depending on the school/cohort) families put a lot of emphasis on who the parents are when arranging the social lives of young kids.

Sometimes all it takes is one or two families who are aggressive about this behavior to make it really unpleasant for others. And it can depend on the kids, too. There's a lot of dynamics at play.

+1

It’s not really which kids are popular or not - that’s just regular kid social dynamics. It’s the parents organizing activities, trips, get together as based on who they want their kids/families to be friends with.

I have 2 boys and a girl. When my boys were younger, we absolutely hung out with families whose parents we liked and the kids got along. We would travel together, eat out, celebrate birthdays, etc. We are still friends with those parents and our kids have a cousin type relationship. I don’t consider that social engineering at all.

My youngest is now in first grade. There are a few moms who are my friends. Our kids have their own friends. The mom I like most has all boys so while her son is in my daughter’s class, I would not say they are friends. We invited one another to the kid’s birthday parties but I don’t know if we will continue to get invited or invite the boy if we have an all girl party next year.