Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our school is like this. Each grade’s cohort differs a bit into how many parents play this game, but no grade seems to be immune to it and since it’s a prek-8 it reverberates through middle school.

I stay out of it. My DD went through all of last year with just 1 play date at her request, and has hosted and joined 3 this year. There are 3-4 moms who are running constant playdates or big group events. When they are big group events, my DD is always invited but chooses to attend less than half the time. She is secure and confident in her friendships now, but we both felt overwhelmed in K-2nd grade. I don’t like my entire social life being wrapped up in school parents and she struggled to balance her neighborhood and activity friendships with the school social FOMO.

Eventually I realized that a lot of these people don’t actually like each other but have decided that because of their various attributes (specific streets they live on, vacation destinations, grandparents’ social status, careers) that they “should” be friends. Both DD and I are relieved to just hang out with who we want when we want. The consequences so far have been more for me than for her- I don’t get invited to adult cocktail and dinner parties, but DD has plenty of social opportunities regardless of whether I play along. We’re content.

I just don’t think I anyone has the energy to care about anyone else’s grandparents. The living on the same street thing makes sense, because it’s great to have neighbor friends who can do play dates.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. The grandparent thing is weird but in the primary and quite fancy neighborhoods from which our school draws, there are grandparents who still live nearby and their adult children are alumni of our school. They maintain close (too close?) ties to the school through their kids and seek out other grandparents for socializing. There are a few out of state grandparents who visit regularly who are of similar or higher socioeconomic status and they all sort of flock together and influence the social lives of their 30/40 something adult kids much like the the parents try to influence the lives of their 3rd graders.

[Anonymous]

This is fake or a perceived truth that has been totally misread

[Anonymous]

I’ve got four kids ten and under so my life is chaos and I just don’t worry about the rich mom set though I would probably qualify. My kids friends are very nice though there are some kids at school who simply run wild and my kids want nothing to do with them. We go to public school in a pretty wealthy town if that makes any difference. We are in the Midwest (ex DC) and the people here are generally nicer and that helps. Midwest values do exist but so do miserable winters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is fake or a perceived truth that has been totally misread

Fake truth….perceived truth….totally misread. I will have to let that sink in for a bit.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids in private. We are in a manhattan private, and yes, there is insane wealth here. Just make friends with the people that you like and it will be fine. Some people play those social climbing games, but you will find that the nice ones, no matter how much money they do or do not have, are normal.

[Anonymous]

My children have always been in privates, I've seen this before. Stop participating now ... by the time your children are in high school, they will have major anxiety over not being skinny enough or rich enough or popular enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I need to do all these 1:1 play dates just so my kid doesn’t get left out in the cold. problem is, I don’t love any of these girls/families and I’d rather spend time with my own family than add another play date to the list.

Option 3 is to find out which girls your child clicks with, and organize play dates with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is fake or a perceived truth that has been totally misread

Fake truth….perceived truth….totally misread. I will have to let that sink in for a bit.

Don't hurt yourself.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how much you're manufacturing this scenario in your head. My kids go to a private school and we are by far not the wealthiest there but everyone is welcoming and our kids have had no trouble making friends. Maybe in K or even first the moms can force it, but my second grade kids have opinions about who they hang out with. Sure, if they don't know your kid then they might not choose to have a play date with her, but they have a ton of interaction at school and it seems to me that that's mostly how alliances are forged. My kids do a different sport than all their classmates and we live in a different area as well but they both still have friends (and have every year). We do play dates when we can, but I'm certainly not trying to manufacture any relationships for my kids nor am I trying to climb any kind of a ladder (seriously, I went to private school and now send my kids and I haven no idea what you're talking about). I really think this is a figment of your imagination. So just relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

+1
I've never even heard about that

My kids are in private school and I've never heard of it. I'm almost certain OP is a troll. She used a lot of buzz words and this whole thing seems completely fabricated.

[Anonymous]

I had anxiety in general over this. My child didn't have many friends in elementary (she was in private too). She had one or two, but she definitely wasn't part of the clique. I also had a rule that weekends were family time, unless there was a party or event. We are so busy during the week with activities/work that I felt we didn't see much of each other. I loosened this rule up as she got older though.

My daughter is in private HS now and is happy. She has her own friends. She goes to dances and school events. The elementary/MS friendships fizzled out, even though a lot of the same kids are there.

[Anonymous]

We no longer attend the same school but there was definitely a group of moms who hung out together and signed their girls up for the same dance and activities. They were rich and cliquey.

I’m very friendly with a few moms in my daughter’s grade and we also sign up for dance together now. This is not some scheme to exclude others. Our daughters are friends, in the same class and both like dance so we signed up together.

A lot of this may be in your head.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a private and can see someone describing things like OP. But as one of the SAHMs who might be accused of social engineering, I just have the time and interest in being social. We like the parents a lot and socialize a lot. When the kids also click, it's even better. At some point the kids decide who their friends are. But there's nothing nefarious going on. No agenda. Just mom friends who think it's more fun to sign up for activities together and spend time on the weekends together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be a private.

Go to public school. Everyone works and all the play dates are drop offs. There is of course some friendly chatting and pick up and drop off but that's it. Everyone is busy.

+1
I've never even heard about that

My kids are in private school and I've never heard of it. I'm almost certain OP is a troll. She used a lot of buzz words and this whole thing seems completely fabricated.

I have 3 kids and over the years have had kids in both public and private.

There is a subset of parents who have not accomplished much themselves but are the children or grandchildren of someone relatively famous or rich. I thought it was odd for grown adults to speak of their parents or grandparents frequently but it is definitely a thing. It is sad in my opinion and nothing to strive to be a part of.

My friend married into this type of family. My friend comes from an UMC family, attended Ivy college and grad schools and married a man whose grandparents were supposedly extremely wealthy. The husband works for the family and received $100k salary. My friend had to work for any extras. His mom controlled any and all finances so would pay for private school, tutors, nannies and anything the mom deemed worthy while my friend and her husband had incomes that put them on the lower end of DC. They would never have been able to afford private school tuition on their own.

We have a seven figure income, have a beach house, live in the right neighborhood, drop 50k on spring break so we fit in but nothing special. No one excludes us. I guess my kids were always included but I never clicked with these moms and probably never will.

[Anonymous]

Send your kid to a title 1 school then.

This is a non-problem, OP. This is truly your anxiety over not being good enough to belong in the “cool group.”

I don’t participate in play dates. I have older kids (as well as an elementary child) and we are busy on weekends and after school. My child still has plenty of friends at school. It makes no difference