How to get ex to give me back the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.

Please read the thread before you engage in meaningless screeds. OP did not move away from the kids. The six month thing is not true. Her exDH sounds like he will consent anyway.

Why don't you go back and read the order of the posts, you dimwit? OP disclosed that she moved away with the kids *in response* to this post.

Some of you people don't have two brain cells to rub together.

[Anonymous]

Try this, OP:

[Anonymous]

Wow with how you describe your ex he sounds terrible.
It’s rare for a judge to side against a mom. You must have been be 10x worse to get zero custody.

I’m glad you’re turning your life around, but your kids aren’t pawns in games with your ex.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should (or would be successful) taking the kids away from their home, school, family and friends and shipping them off to wherever you've moved with your new spouse.

Maybe you could look at moving back and then you might be in a better position for 50/50.

[Anonymous]

People here need to learn the difference between sole custody and primary physical custody. OP’s ex has primary physical custody, sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long ago was this?

Are you employed now? Do you have stable housing? Do you have visitation at all?

I honestly don’t understand how a parent (who wants it) doesn’t get 50/50 custody. If his lawyer argued that you couldn’t adequately house the children I could see it temporarily.

You seriously have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

File for joint custody.

this.

Get better positioned, have a lawyer file for 50/50 and right of first refusal for all sitting or days he suddenly cannot, go to court of mediate for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?

Men are dicks during divorce.

[Anonymous]

WOW. What did you do as a mother to not be awarded custody? Had to be pretty awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in NY my ex wife tried to get sole custody. The judge got so angry and let me tell you at least in NY sole custody is almost impossible. 50/50 is the standard norm today.

You should have fought harder for your kids from the start. I can’t believe a woman would be in this situation. Men are more known to just abandon their kids, but women that’s rare very rare.

Not so rare. It depends on the judge. Custody courts are a rodeo.

So you mean a mom can win sole custody if she desires if the dad does not have major red flags like abuse alcoholism etc? Hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s wrong when dads are denied their children. Same with woman.. The state courts make it really easy for extreme decisions to occur as a result of interpersonal fights.

All kids need their father. Daughters especially need fathers. All kids need their mother. People should stay out of courts on family affairs— especially during divorce when you are hotheaded and dividing your live savings. Why? bc it’s hard to do over. It’s hard to reverse/ It’s hard to get out of the awful “I’ve won mentality.”

Many who go Family court to fight should be treated as pariahs. Obviously there are exceptions.

This is why if you are a dad and your ex wants sole custody just tell her fine. Next find a descent lawyer (not even a great one) and your changes of success for joint will be close to 99%. Folks sole custody is not easy to get. You need to prove the other party is a danger to the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?

You start by refraining from casting aspersions upon him like the bolded. You must have been in an extraordinarily dangerous situation for the children for a judge to have denied you custody. And so this assertion that he did it to "hurt you" falls flat to me. Also, you say you're not there, so how can you know that he drinks heavily and nurses hangovers around them every day? That's some wild-ass conjecture. Moreover, expecting late-elementary school students to be somewhat self-sufficient isn't necessarily neglectful -- an entire generation of Xers will happily explain about how being latchkey kids was beneficial in the end.

The fact that you moved away AND got remarried is another major complication here. If you were local, 50-50 would be easier to obtain if you have, in fact, gotten your shit together. But asking him to essentially send his kids to you to live -- and make them live with another man who isn't their father, to boot -- is a little more problematic, IMO. I wouldn't agree to that based on what I know about the statistics of abuse, etc. by step-fathers.

man, just stfu because you have no understanding of the situation.

what happened is that OP moved away *with her kids.* at that point when the matter goes to court, the judge has to award full custody to one parent because joint custody is not physically possible. per OP the court awarded physical custody to her DH because of her financial situation. now arguably OP is at fault for moving in the first place and setting up this scenario, but she did not abandon her kids, and the court did not find she was an unfit parent because of an “extraordinary dangerous” situation. plus based on what OP says, her ExDH doesn’t even want to parent anymore. Your whole take on this situation is extremely biased.

First of all, allow me to disabuse you of the notion that you can tell me -- or anyone -- to "stfu." Especially with your invalid and ridiculous take on the situation. And your finger-pointing about bias? Three point back at you.

It's obvious something very extreme happened. My guess is it had something to do with her taking her kids with her in the first place -- you can't do that and it probably played heavily in the father's favor when it came time to get a ruling. She was found to be an unfit parent. She's prattling on about how he did it to "hurt" her but it sounds like he was just looking out for the children's welfare. It's HER interpretation that he doesn't want to parent -- women often draw that conclusion, but it's usually not true.

It sounds to me like he's amenable to 50/50. That is reasonable and customary. But the minute she tries to demand full custody, my guess is he will rightfully object, especially since she intends to physically remove the children from his state and make them live with a stepfather. I would never allow that and would go completely scorched earth to prevent it.

But, let's review here: You DO NOT tell me to "STFU." Do you understand me? Nod and tell me you understand.

[Anonymous]

I know you don’t want to go through lawyers but I would at least talk to a lawyer for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s wrong when dads are denied their children. Same with woman.. The state courts make it really easy for extreme decisions to occur as a result of interpersonal fights.

All kids need their father. Daughters especially need fathers. All kids need their mother. People should stay out of courts on family affairs— especially during divorce when you are hotheaded and dividing your live savings. Why? bc it’s hard to do over. It’s hard to reverse/ It’s hard to get out of the awful “I’ve won mentality.”

Many who go Family court to fight should be treated as pariahs. Obviously there are exceptions.

This is why if you are a dad and your ex wants sole custody just tell her fine. Next find a descent lawyer (not even a great one) and your changes of success for joint will be close to 99%. Folks sole custody is not easy to get. You need to prove the other party is a danger to the children.

I hope what you are saying is correct, but I have heard stories (no proof just hearsay) of perfectly functional dads having couple of days visitations every other weeks or so. I don’t know whether that’s still the case but some fathers truly think that some judges are biased and favor moms and will give them sole custody if they ask. These dads are often devastated as a result and their lives turned upside down completely.

[Anonymous]

OP tell them the full story, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?

You start by refraining from casting aspersions upon him like the bolded. You must have been in an extraordinarily dangerous situation for the children for a judge to have denied you custody. And so this assertion that he did it to "hurt you" falls flat to me. Also, you say you're not there, so how can you know that he drinks heavily and nurses hangovers around them every day? That's some wild-ass conjecture. Moreover, expecting late-elementary school students to be somewhat self-sufficient isn't necessarily neglectful -- an entire generation of Xers will happily explain about how being latchkey kids was beneficial in the end.

The fact that you moved away AND got remarried is another major complication here. If you were local, 50-50 would be easier to obtain if you have, in fact, gotten your shit together. But asking him to essentially send his kids to you to live -- and make them live with another man who isn't their father, to boot -- is a little more problematic, IMO. I wouldn't agree to that based on what I know about the statistics of abuse, etc. by step-fathers.

man, just stfu because you have no understanding of the situation.

what happened is that OP moved away *with her kids.* at that point when the matter goes to court, the judge has to award full custody to one parent because joint custody is not physically possible. per OP the court awarded physical custody to her DH because of her financial situation. now arguably OP is at fault for moving in the first place and setting up this scenario, but she did not abandon her kids, and the court did not find she was an unfit parent because of an “extraordinary dangerous” situation. plus based on what OP says, her ExDH doesn’t even want to parent anymore. Your whole take on this situation is extremely biased.

First of all, allow me to disabuse you of the notion that you can tell me -- or anyone -- to "stfu." Especially with your invalid and ridiculous take on the situation. And your finger-pointing about bias? Three point back at you.

It's obvious something very extreme happened. My guess is it had something to do with her taking her kids with her in the first place -- you can't do that and it probably played heavily in the father's favor when it came time to get a ruling. She was found to be an unfit parent. She's prattling on about how he did it to "hurt" her but it sounds like he was just looking out for the children's welfare. It's HER interpretation that he doesn't want to parent -- women often draw that conclusion, but it's usually not true.

It sounds to me like he's amenable to 50/50. That is reasonable and customary. But the minute she tries to demand full custody, my guess is he will rightfully object, especially since she intends to physically remove the children from his state and make them live with a stepfather. I would never allow that and would go completely scorched earth to prevent it.

But, let's review here: You DO NOT tell me to "STFU." Do you understand me? Nod and tell me you understand.

Your guess is wrong. She voluntarily sent them to live with Dad who was overseas at the time. IIRC, the ex did come back stateside with the kids, but the kids were pretty settled in his custody at that point and mom and dad don’t live close enough for joint physical custody.

OP could always move. I think I remember her new job being in healthcare, so it is a transferable skill set to other parts of the country (maybe the world). I think if she wants more regular physical custody this is what she will need to do.