How to get ex to give me back the kids

Anonymous
Offer to take the kids whenever he would like a break. Do not address finances. Hopefully since he hates being with his children so much it will get easier and easier on him to shrug and let them stay with you for longer periods.

Document everything; keep a diary.
Anonymous
OP where is your new DH in all of this? Does he have a clean record, want the kids? Can he help support them, do you have an acceptable home in an acceptable school district? Health insurance for the kids?

These are important questions before uprooting the kids - AGAIN - if your ex is providing all these things.
Anonymous
My ex hasn't done anything courts told him to do and we are fine.
I lost custody of my son for few weeks, and my ex lost custody for several months.The one who believed me was a female, the one who believed his story was male. Neither bothered to ask for ounce of proof. They both went with experience, feelings and who know what else. This wasn't a long term thing though like yours.
I believe your ex is pretty warn out. It's not easy to raise the kids. Besides court, there's mediation. Ask him to send them over for longer so he can take a breather. He may like it a lot.
My second partner straight up refused to show me the kid when we separated. I barely survived not seeing my child for months and then only couple of times a month. I did not go to court for the safety of the child. I waited and hope he would get tired.
1.5 years into it he was exhausted and started to go out on weekends. One weekend he went out and didn't survive the outing.
Try to move closer to your kids. I moved only a mile a way and waited. I was available to see the kid at all times, but he'd rather drop the kid to his family.
He is tired. Lend a helping hand.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


because her DH doesn’t want to parent.


How could OP possibly know how her ex parents without her? She doesn’t live with them and doesn’t see her kids.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


because her DH doesn’t want to parent.


How could OP possibly know how her ex parents without her? She doesn’t live with them and doesn’t see her kids.


I am actually with my kids now, while their dad is on a two week trip. (Voluntarily- he asked if I would stay with them.)

My children talk about heir experiences with him - I do not goad - and have spent enough time with them altogether to see how he treats them.

I am with the kids about ~10 weeks out of the year.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


because her DH doesn’t want to parent.


How could OP possibly know how her ex parents without her? She doesn’t live with them and doesn’t see her kids.


I am actually with my kids now, while their dad is on a two week trip. (Voluntarily- he asked if I would stay with them.)

My children talk about heir experiences with him - I do not goad - and have spent enough time with them altogether to see how he treats them.

I am with the kids about ~10 weeks out of the year.


Can you move to where they are?
Anonymous
We don’t even have close to the whole story here, and the OP’s inability to tell the truth even when it’s anonymous is a bad sign.
Anonymous
I think you aren't telling us something. What state are you in?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


because her DH doesn’t want to parent.


How could OP possibly know how her ex parents without her? She doesn’t live with them and doesn’t see her kids.


I am actually with my kids now, while their dad is on a two week trip. (Voluntarily- he asked if I would stay with them.)

My children talk about heir experiences with him - I do not goad - and have spent enough time with them altogether to see how he treats them.

I am with the kids about ~10 weeks out of the year.

You don’t get 100% custody just because you disagree with his parenting style. I think 10 weeks, equivalent to a summer, is pretty fair, considering that you moved away. What more do you want?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:When I was in NY my ex wife tried to get sole custody. The judge got so angry and let me tell you at least in NY sole custody is almost impossible. 50/50 is the standard norm today.

You should have fought harder for your kids from the start. I can’t believe a woman would be in this situation. Men are more known to just abandon their kids, but women that’s rare very rare.



Not so rare. It depends on the judge. Custody courts are a rodeo.
Anonymous
Virginia is not New York. More conservative state judges will still issue sole custody.
Anonymous
Are the kids doing good? If they are then you wanting to get custody from your husband is simply about your own emotions and not necessarily in the childs best interest.
Children raised by their father who has custody have life outcomes on par with being raised by two parents while children raised by a single mother have much worse outcomes.
This is a truth the moms do not like to hear. THey will deny it, but it is true.

https://www.oklahoman.com/story/news/2001/07/09/study-children-fare-better-with-divorced-dads-factors-besides-income-were-of-benefit-to-fathers/62139586007/

"... But Farrell discovered that even when the father and mother had equal income, the children who were with their father full time - boys and girls - did better than those with their moms full time.

And his income was much less likely to come from the government. He was seen, therefore, as a positive role model - one who juggled work and children, without being dependent on financial assistance. A father's greater income, then, is not THE benefit, but simply an additional benefit.

So what do we mean when we say that children "do better?" A study from the Journal of Social Issues found that boys who lived with their fathers after divorce were friendlier, had a higher degree of self-esteem, were more mature, and more independent.

Boys who lived only with their moms grew up to be more demanding and tended to develop coercive relationships with their mothers.

Kyle Pruett of Yale studied infants living only with their dads. He discovered that their personal and social skills were 2 to 6 months ahead of schedule. The same was true for older babies, indicating that a father's impact begins at birth. There are many of us fathers who could have told him that.

A new Danish study of 1,200 children aged 35, half with single moms and half with single dads, found that those living with dads were less sensitive to criticism and had fewer temper tantrums. They were only half as likely to have frequent nightmares, feelings of low self-esteem and loneliness, and one-third less likely to feel victimized by other children.

The Danish study compared the stress experienced by single moms and single dads. They found that single moms had a more difficult time combining work with child-raising, even though they were more likely to receive financial assistance.

Overall, children living with dads were less likely to have discipline problems. Does this mean that dads were more likely to resort to physical punishment? No. Moms were. And they used physical discipline more frequently. Nevertheless, children living with their moms were more likely to exhibit frequent temper tantrums..."
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Are the kids doing good? If they are then you wanting to get custody from your husband is simply about your own emotions and not necessarily in the childs best interest.
Children raised by their father who has custody have life outcomes on par with being raised by two parents while children raised by a single mother have much worse outcomes.
This is a truth the moms do not like to hear. THey will deny it, but it is true.

https://www.oklahoman.com/story/news/2001/07/09/study-children-fare-better-with-divorced-dads-factors-besides-income-were-of-benefit-to-fathers/62139586007/

"... But Farrell discovered that even when the father and mother had equal income, the children who were with their father full time - boys and girls - did better than those with their moms full time.

And his income was much less likely to come from the government. He was seen, therefore, as a positive role model - one who juggled work and children, without being dependent on financial assistance. A father's greater income, then, is not THE benefit, but simply an additional benefit.

So what do we mean when we say that children "do better?" A study from the Journal of Social Issues found that boys who lived with their fathers after divorce were friendlier, had a higher degree of self-esteem, were more mature, and more independent.

Boys who lived only with their moms grew up to be more demanding and tended to develop coercive relationships with their mothers.

Kyle Pruett of Yale studied infants living only with their dads. He discovered that their personal and social skills were 2 to 6 months ahead of schedule. The same was true for older babies, indicating that a father's impact begins at birth. There are many of us fathers who could have told him that.

A new Danish study of 1,200 children aged 35, half with single moms and half with single dads, found that those living with dads were less sensitive to criticism and had fewer temper tantrums. They were only half as likely to have frequent nightmares, feelings of low self-esteem and loneliness, and one-third less likely to feel victimized by other children.

The Danish study compared the stress experienced by single moms and single dads. They found that single moms had a more difficult time combining work with child-raising, even though they were more likely to receive financial assistance.

Overall, children living with dads were less likely to have discipline problems. Does this mean that dads were more likely to resort to physical punishment? No. Moms were. And they used physical discipline more frequently. Nevertheless, children living with their moms were more likely to exhibit frequent temper tantrums..."


I am as pro dad as anyone but that’s probably a result of bias. Why? Because it’s much harder to get custody as a dad, so those that do are on average better. If more dads got custody, things would even out a bit.

Still it’s a good point to raise. There’s a lot of “women and men are exactly equal except for all the ways women are better” narrative on here and elsewhere. Usually without any real data backing it up.
Anonymous
I think it’s wrong when dads are denied their children. Same with woman.. The state courts make it really easy for extreme decisions to occur as a result of interpersonal fights.

All kids need their father. Daughters especially need fathers. All kids need their mother. People should stay out of courts on family affairs— especially during divorce when you are hotheaded and dividing your live savings. Why? bc it’s hard to do over. It’s hard to reverse/ It’s hard to get out of the awful “I’ve won mentality.”

Many who go Family court to fight should be treated as pariahs. Obviously there are exceptions.
Anonymous
OP: Based on what you shared, you are on the right track. Keep building confidence in your relationships. Keep doing what you are doing! Be a full person and the naturally good mom you already are.

The law of natural consequences will take course. I believe this because I lived this.
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