How to get ex to give me back the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You abandoned your kids because your car broke down?? Thats all it takes?

That’s a little unfair. OP clearly was in a bad way, mental health-wise. It was more than the car.

When we first met OP in 2017, she was a SAHM/trailing spouse of a GS-13 FSO whose ex questioned her spending. She found out her ex was flirting with a coworker, got pregnant, left her husband with the kids and came back to the US. Then he sold her BMW, which sent her over the edge. Her mom tried to tough love her into reconciliation for the kids’ sake.

Then OP moved to a farm outside Cumberland, couldn’t find work and contemplated become a topless cocktail waitress at a gentlemen’s club.

Then, because of the lack of a job, and the fact she couldn’t live off child support, she returned the kids to the dad.

Clearly, she had a lot going on.

Childless, she went back to school, met someone, graduated, got married, bought a house, and now works for one of the regional health systems. Maybe she has sought therapy for her likely personality disorder. And now she wants her kids back because her life has stabilized. Which is fair.

Except the kids don’t live in a commutable area to her. They have lived with dad for years. They are about 6 and 8. They cannot realistically do a regular back-and-forth schedule, and it would be amazingly destabilizing to flip so that OP has primary physical custody. OP is practically an stranger at this point. Even though Dad is probably a dirt bag, and even though Dad’s up for a new assignment, Dad has been the stable presence in their lives for four or five years now.

OP, your kids have been through a lot, and it is in their best interest to not rock the boat. If you want to be a part of their lives, you need to try to work with their dad to move someplace jointly, where you can reasonably coparent these kids. Or you need to start making arrangements for you to spend your holidays and summers wherever Dad ends up so that you can spend time with your kids and they can adjust to you on their terms. Your new husband may or may not like that, but if you want a parental relationship with your kids, you need to prioritize them.

And you need to be super stable and consistent from now on. That probably means a lot of work with a mental health professional because from the outside, your decisions and actions don’t seem to be rational or well thought-out.

It does seem like you have pulled yourself together in the past few years, and you should be proud of that progress. But I think you still have a lot of work ahead of you. Focus on that with the goal of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Not engaging in dramatic legal battles that will set you back even further.

Man this isn't a country song, it's a country song album!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You abandoned your kids because your car broke down?? Thats all it takes?

That’s a little unfair. OP clearly was in a bad way, mental health-wise. It was more than the car.

When we first met OP in 2017, she was a SAHM/trailing spouse of a GS-13 FSO whose ex questioned her spending. She found out her ex was flirting with a coworker, got pregnant, left her husband with the kids and came back to the US. Then he sold her BMW, which sent her over the edge. Her mom tried to tough love her into reconciliation for the kids’ sake.

Then OP moved to a farm outside Cumberland, couldn’t find work and contemplated become a topless cocktail waitress at a gentlemen’s club.

Then, because of the lack of a job, and the fact she couldn’t live off child support, she returned the kids to the dad.

Clearly, she had a lot going on.

Childless, she went back to school, met someone, graduated, got married, bought a house, and now works for one of the regional health systems. Maybe she has sought therapy for her likely personality disorder. And now she wants her kids back because her life has stabilized. Which is fair.

Except the kids don’t live in a commutable area to her. They have lived with dad for years. They are about 6 and 8. They cannot realistically do a regular back-and-forth schedule, and it would be amazingly destabilizing to flip so that OP has primary physical custody. OP is practically an stranger at this point. Even though Dad is probably a dirt bag, and even though Dad’s up for a new assignment, Dad has been the stable presence in their lives for four or five years now.

OP, your kids have been through a lot, and it is in their best interest to not rock the boat. If you want to be a part of their lives, you need to try to work with their dad to move someplace jointly, where you can reasonably coparent these kids. Or you need to start making arrangements for you to spend your holidays and summers wherever Dad ends up so that you can spend time with your kids and they can adjust to you on their terms. Your new husband may or may not like that, but if you want a parental relationship with your kids, you need to prioritize them.

And you need to be super stable and consistent from now on. That probably means a lot of work with a mental health professional because from the outside, your decisions and actions don’t seem to be rational or well thought-out.

It does seem like you have pulled yourself together in the past few years, and you should be proud of that progress. But I think you still have a lot of work ahead of you. Focus on that with the goal of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Not engaging in dramatic legal battles that will set you back even further.

Thank you for posting the background! That is certainly a lot (going back 7 years!) so I appreciate this synopsis.

I think you are right though - OP is little more than a stranger to her children. If she's been gone for 5-7 years, I'm really not seeing how she expects to just BAM get her kids back FT and become a big happy family. I cant imagine a dead beat dad doing the same thing, he'd be laughed out of town. She should start by making an effort to move where they are, introduce her spouse to them, get to know them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You abandoned your kids because your car broke down?? Thats all it takes?

That’s a little unfair. OP clearly was in a bad way, mental health-wise. It was more than the car.

When we first met OP in 2017, she was a SAHM/trailing spouse of a GS-13 FSO whose ex questioned her spending. She found out her ex was flirting with a coworker, got pregnant, left her husband with the kids and came back to the US. Then he sold her BMW, which sent her over the edge. Her mom tried to tough love her into reconciliation for the kids’ sake.

Then OP moved to a farm outside Cumberland, couldn’t find work and contemplated become a topless cocktail waitress at a gentlemen’s club.

Then, because of the lack of a job, and the fact she couldn’t live off child support, she returned the kids to the dad.

Clearly, she had a lot going on.

Childless, she went back to school, met someone, graduated, got married, bought a house, and now works for one of the regional health systems. Maybe she has sought therapy for her likely personality disorder. And now she wants her kids back because her life has stabilized. Which is fair.

Except the kids don’t live in a commutable area to her. They have lived with dad for years. They are about 6 and 8. They cannot realistically do a regular back-and-forth schedule, and it would be amazingly destabilizing to flip so that OP has primary physical custody. OP is practically an stranger at this point. Even though Dad is probably a dirt bag, and even though Dad’s up for a new assignment, Dad has been the stable presence in their lives for four or five years now.

OP, your kids have been through a lot, and it is in their best interest to not rock the boat. If you want to be a part of their lives, you need to try to work with their dad to move someplace jointly, where you can reasonably coparent these kids. Or you need to start making arrangements for you to spend your holidays and summers wherever Dad ends up so that you can spend time with your kids and they can adjust to you on their terms. Your new husband may or may not like that, but if you want a parental relationship with your kids, you need to prioritize them.

And you need to be super stable and consistent from now on. That probably means a lot of work with a mental health professional because from the outside, your decisions and actions don’t seem to be rational or well thought-out.

It does seem like you have pulled yourself together in the past few years, and you should be proud of that progress. But I think you still have a lot of work ahead of you. Focus on that with the goal of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Not engaging in dramatic legal battles that will set you back even further.

Man this isn't a country song, it's a country song album!

What is going on with that post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You abandoned your kids because your car broke down?? Thats all it takes?

That’s a little unfair. OP clearly was in a bad way, mental health-wise. It was more than the car.

When we first met OP in 2017, she was a SAHM/trailing spouse of a GS-13 FSO whose ex questioned her spending. She found out her ex was flirting with a coworker, got pregnant, left her husband with the kids and came back to the US. Then he sold her BMW, which sent her over the edge. Her mom tried to tough love her into reconciliation for the kids’ sake.

Then OP moved to a farm outside Cumberland, couldn’t find work and contemplated become a topless cocktail waitress at a gentlemen’s club.

Then, because of the lack of a job, and the fact she couldn’t live off child support, she returned the kids to the dad.

Clearly, she had a lot going on.

Childless, she went back to school, met someone, graduated, got married, bought a house, and now works for one of the regional health systems. Maybe she has sought therapy for her likely personality disorder. And now she wants her kids back because her life has stabilized. Which is fair.

Except the kids don’t live in a commutable area to her. They have lived with dad for years. They are about 6 and 8. They cannot realistically do a regular back-and-forth schedule, and it would be amazingly destabilizing to flip so that OP has primary physical custody. OP is practically an stranger at this point. Even though Dad is probably a dirt bag, and even though Dad’s up for a new assignment, Dad has been the stable presence in their lives for four or five years now.

OP, your kids have been through a lot, and it is in their best interest to not rock the boat. If you want to be a part of their lives, you need to try to work with their dad to move someplace jointly, where you can reasonably coparent these kids. Or you need to start making arrangements for you to spend your holidays and summers wherever Dad ends up so that you can spend time with your kids and they can adjust to you on their terms. Your new husband may or may not like that, but if you want a parental relationship with your kids, you need to prioritize them.

And you need to be super stable and consistent from now on. That probably means a lot of work with a mental health professional because from the outside, your decisions and actions don’t seem to be rational or well thought-out.

It does seem like you have pulled yourself together in the past few years, and you should be proud of that progress. But I think you still have a lot of work ahead of you. Focus on that with the goal of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Not engaging in dramatic legal battles that will set you back even further.

Man this isn't a country song, it's a country song album!

What is going on with that post?

It’s the background. OP has been around for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fighting got you into this mess. Now you play nice. Think about how you got into marriage. Find those qualities again!

So ignorant! You have no idea what divorce with a narcissist is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?

You start by refraining from casting aspersions upon him like the bolded. You must have been in an extraordinarily dangerous situation for the children for a judge to have denied you custody. And so this assertion that he did it to "hurt you" falls flat to me. Also, you say you're not there, so how can you know that he drinks heavily and nurses hangovers around them every day? That's some wild-ass conjecture. Moreover, expecting late-elementary school students to be somewhat self-sufficient isn't necessarily neglectful -- an entire generation of Xers will happily explain about how being latchkey kids was beneficial in the end.

The fact that you moved away AND got remarried is another major complication here. If you were local, 50-50 would be easier to obtain if you have, in fact, gotten your shit together. But asking him to essentially send his kids to you to live -- and make them live with another man who isn't their father, to boot -- is a little more problematic, IMO. I wouldn't agree to that based on what I know about the statistics of abuse, etc. by step-fathers.

Not even sure where to start on this crazy response. but (1) OPs kids aren’t infants- they have eyes and ears and can describe what dad does. So very much not a “wild ass conjecture” and 2) speculating that OPs current husband would be abusive? Now that would be a wild ass conjecture.

[Anonymous]

OP, your best bet now is probably to get a long-distance parenting plan. In those cases, usually the parent who moved would get the kids on long weekends and breaks and half of summer. Start with that, get back in the kids' lives.

As far as courts in general-in most places, 50/50 is presumed and it takes significant issues to deviate from it. One is distance (one parent moves), significant documented abuse/abandonment/addiction, ect. It's not usually financial (it's not illegal to be on aid).