need ideas to manage next two years

[Anonymous]

^^^^ *not* a child, sorry for the typo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m very sorry about your husband. And about your son’s worries and his own sadness.

I’ve parented two 14yo boys, and I know it’s a tough age. They want to be grown up, and ten seconds later they are watching cartoons. The swings of mood/emotion/direction/energy are unreal.

Can you sit down over hot chocolate, or go out to breakfast somewhere, and say you need his help? Your family team is smaller, and at the same time you’re trying to make sense of all the feelings that come with that, there are all sorts of new practical aspects. How can you two better work together to make life kinder and easier for each other?

Bring up some of the sticking points and brainstorm solutions. Explain outright that you hired the au pair to help make his life easier — he may think of her as an unwanted, bossy older sister instead of a guaranteed ride to Jacob’s house. Talk about how your new life requires a lot more pre-planning, and agree to put things on a shared Google calendar. Make sure he has a bike/bus pass so he can get to the store to buy snacks for friends coming over — or make that part of their afternoon. (My boys loved wandering through Giant with their friends and triumphantly coming home with day-old pastries because THEY WERE ON SALE, MOM!!!) Giving him more ownership and control of the solution may help him feel less at sea.

On days when you have to drive to therapy, practice, etc., is there a way you can use that chunk of time for your own errands? Scout out grocery stores near ball fields and use the hour of warmups to get your shopping done (get nonperishables or bring a cooler). Sit in the car and return calls, sign up for activities, schedule household services, etc.

I wish your son was on my kid’s team. We’d have a regular (and nonreciprocal) carpool organized for you so fast it would make your head spin.

This is perfect. OP, I am very sorry for your loss. This response is compassionate AND involves your son in the process of moving forward. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

I'm so sorry, OP. I posted above about looking for a grad student or teacher to help out. I hope you can find someone. You sound like a great mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a parenting problem.

At 14 all the things you listed are huge privileges and your son is being a huge brat. It’s time for a reality check. He is way too old to be acting this bratty and you’re enabling his entitlement which is terrible parenting. You’re basically teaching him to be an a$$hole.

The first thing to go will be social visits.

Next will be travel sports.

He needs to be polite and responsible about the rides from the au pair. If he can’t do that he will lose his privileges.

Talk to him separately and then with the au pair. Set clear expectations. He has 2 weeks to turn things around before you start taking away privileges. Seriously. Right now you’re giving him stuff and he’s basically spitting in your face with disrespect.

All of this

You are considering quitting your job to be a full-time chauffeur to a teenage brat?

You have already figured this out and are doing a lot for him. Au pair is perfect for this situation and he needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a parenting problem.

At 14 all the things you listed are huge privileges and your son is being a huge brat. It’s time for a reality check. He is way too old to be acting this bratty and you’re enabling his entitlement which is terrible parenting. You’re basically teaching him to be an a$$hole.

The first thing to go will be social visits.

Next will be travel sports.

He needs to be polite and responsible about the rides from the au pair. If he can’t do that he will lose his privileges.

Talk to him separately and then with the au pair. Set clear expectations. He has 2 weeks to turn things around before you start taking away privileges. Seriously. Right now you’re giving him stuff and he’s basically spitting in your face with disrespect.

All of this

You are considering quitting your job to be a full-time chauffeur to a teenage brat?

You have already figured this out and are doing a lot for him. Au pair is perfect for this situation and he needs to grow up.

Her son is not a brat! Did you read her posts? Her husband died unexpectedly and her son found him while home alone with him! No wonder he’s acting this way. It’s only been a year at the most. You can barely breathe when you go through something like this. OP and her son are doing fine considering the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I want to share a story that is not necessarily your own situation, but may serve as a cautionary tale. It is intended with compassion.

I have a close family member who also was the one to discover his father deceased when he was 14yo. At that time he was the only child still in the home. It was incredibly traumatic, obviously, for the mother and son. The mother's (understandable) reaction was to essentially coddle the son. He was treated with kid gloves for years, the formative years. He was given most everything he asked for and not held accountable for much of anything- chores, treating people including his mother well, grades, etc.

Fast forward- he is an adult in his 30s who is REALLY struggling. He feels entitled, he hasn't managed to launch a career, has not sustained any relationships. I'm not one to throw around words like "enmeshed" and "codependent", but that is truly the dynamic with the mother. It is unhealthy for both of them.

You and your son have been through a lot, but please be careful not to go down this path. It is a disservice to both you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Driving is a challenge for us too. In a pinch we rely on Uber using their teen feature. The tracking is good and it has relieved the pressure on us adults.

Generally I agree with the other advice through. Your kid needs to fall in line or lose the privilege of have those rides and activities. Time to read him the riot act, OP. Break out the tough love.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I agree with the poster who said you and he need to work together to figure out a plan and brainstorm solutions. I imagine that you’re locked in to the au pair for the year, but that may not be the best fit long-term for his age or needs. What about making a plan together to get through the next x months with the au pair, and then hiring, say, a half-time housekeeper to help with household things, drive him, etc.. That way it’s not a babysitter, per se, but is another set of hands (and of eyes on him if he’s struggling). He can be involved in helping choose the person you hire. While this is undoubtedly expensive, it’s less expensive than quitting your job, and also provides him additional stability.