need ideas to manage next two years

[Anonymous]

Are you divorced? Widowed?

[Anonymous]

I did this in college for a family that had a second round of kids when their first two were a tween/teen. Picked them up from their private school and drove them to activities or home. Great job, but the kids were nice to me.

[Anonymous]

Your au pair sucks most likely
Also driving jobs are hard and not easy to find someone for an hour here or there. Give the person guaranteed hours in the afternoon, at least 4, and add household stuff to it. Pay well and make their job easy.
It is extremely hard to find hourly caregivers of any kind right now. My neighbor works as one and we chat and she is constantly looking for more guaranteed hours (at least 3 in a row) and easy clients. There are many jobs to go around so people don’t stick around unless your offer is way better than the market (also pay $5 more per he as the next guy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with a male babysitter/driver Look for local college kids or neighborhood ones.

+1

Just figure out what days you need in terms of his appts and practices and do this and pay for set hours. If you can afford to get someone in consistently then you won’t have worry about Uber, carpools etc etc (which require more organizing and can fall through). Someone like a college kid etc- ideally male. Could have them pick up a grocery order curbside too, or other things you need. Pretty easy job.

Nobody wants set hours nowadays if it’s an hour here and there.
She needs to hire for all afternoon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

Wow! Your poor son! No wonder he is acting this way. He does not need to be punished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was kind of with you until the part where your son and the au pair are fighting.

I think you have a son problem. What the actual F. This is not normal. Not acceptable. Cooperate if you want the rides to the activities. What is there to fight about? Ride in silence if you need to.

+1
Seriously WTF

[Anonymous]

Why can't your child use Uber? DD's friend has a single, widowed parent who works ft and she uses Uber all the time even before there was Uber teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this in college for a family that had a second round of kids when their first two were a tween/teen. Picked them up from their private school and drove them to activities or home. Great job, but the kids were nice to me.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's so much to deal with.

For the rides, have you sat down with your son to understand his conflicts with the au pair? Is it possible that something happened? Or that he developed a crush and is embarrassed?

Is she otherwise a reasonable person? Would an arrangement work for both of them where she is just like a taxi driver and you work out a system of alarms notifications so that he's ready and waiting when the taxi is ready to go? Basically remove as much interaction and emotion as possible.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the DC area? My DS has a friend who has divorced parents that work outside the home for long hours. He learned to use the extensive bus system and Metro to get where he wanted to go. Students can get a free pass with their student ID. It won't solve travel sports, but could get him to a friend's house for carpool or hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you divorced? Widowed?

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

Oh my, OP. I'm so sorry. If you work a demanding job and long hours I'm not sure I'd want to replace the au pair with a driving service. I wouldn't want DS alone every afternoon. If your son is mature enough, and his therapist is open to it, maybe have a family brainstorming session with them? No situation is going to be perfect because no one can bring DH back, but what can he help you figure out to make the best of a horrible situation.

[Anonymous]

Fire au pair and use Uber.

It’s emasculating for a 14yo male to have a young female babysitter. That is not normal.

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry about your husband. And about your son’s worries and his own sadness.

I’ve parented two 14yo boys, and I know it’s a tough age. They want to be grown up, and ten seconds later they are watching cartoons. The swings of mood/emotion/direction/energy are unreal.

Can you sit down over hot chocolate, or go out to breakfast somewhere, and say you need his help? Your family team is smaller, and at the same time you’re trying to make sense of all the feelings that come with that, there are all sorts of new practical aspects. How can you two better work together to make life kinder and easier for each other?

Bring up some of the sticking points and brainstorm solutions. Explain outright that you hired the au pair to help make his life easier — he may think of her as an unwanted, bossy older sister instead of a guaranteed ride to Jacob’s house. Talk about how your new life requires a lot more pre-planning, and agree to put things on a shared Google calendar. Make sure he has a bike/bus pass so he can get to the store to buy snacks for friends coming over — or make that part of their afternoon. (My boys loved wandering through Giant with their friends and triumphantly coming home with day-old pastries because THEY WERE ON SALE, MOM!!!) Giving him more ownership and control of the solution may help him feel less at sea.

On days when you have to drive to therapy, practice, etc., is there a way you can use that chunk of time for your own errands? Scout out grocery stores near ball fields and use the hour of warmups to get your shopping done (get nonperishables or bring a cooler). Sit in the car and return calls, sign up for activities, schedule household services, etc.

I wish your son was on my kid’s team. We’d have a regular (and nonreciprocal) carpool organized for you so fast it would make your head spin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14 year old son. I am an only parent for the last year. In the last year, of course the emotional stuff is terrible, but I'm increasingly anxious about my work coverage. Nothing I've done seems to be working to get me coverage. I thought I'd throw out a "hail mary" pass and just see if anyone has any additional ideas I should consider.

1) Son plays on a travel sports team and l.o.v.e.s. the team, the sports (he's active) and I think it's healthy for him to have this community. It means he has practices and matches.
2) Son has sadness and has a therapist who does animal-assisted therapy. This means virtual therapy is not very helpful. So he also has therapy. He also has a psychiatrist (more driving and appointments).
3) Son is social and has friends all over, which means drop offs and pick ups and hosting kids and buying food for these kids.

One of these days he will drive and once he is driving safely, my life may improve. Until then, I am facing serious drain on my work schedule and this is coming to a head, because I have a staff vacancy that I have to hire and cover.

I have tried hiring a driver, but the only people who responded were an older couple and the guy was creepy and they had limited hours. I might consider trying this again for afternoon driving to practice/appointments.

I have tried an au pair, but my son at 14 is sassy and not a sweet little kid. He and Au Pair fight all the time. It can't be good for either of them. Mostly they want me to mediate, which frustrates me, because I am paying for the au pair to be able to work my job, not resolve conflict between the two of them (like getting him up in the morning, getting him out the door to his sport practice, etc.)

I am thinking about firing au pair and using Uber. Am I insane?
I have seriously considered quitting my job, but it is our health insurance and that makes me very nervous. Again, I have to ask if I'm insane?

I feel so anxious and distressed. I have barely survived the last two years and I shudder to imagine how I will not get fired if this continues for another 2-1/2 years.

Posters keep telling you to "find" college kids, etc. who are willing to drive, but I hear what you said in the bolded, OP. My DH used to tell me the same when I would express concern about the after school EC schedule for our 3 kids. The situation as I've experienced is that this is a hard job to fill because it's not very appealing. Having an au pair might be overkill, but from a structural standpoint, I get it. It's reliable which then saves you time/energy. No offense to the posters, but the piecemeal suggestions are the worst for someone who is overwhelmed and needs to free up mental energy. This is where using a service like Hop Skip Drive or Alto makes more sense, but it's expensive.

I had this issue with an elder parent, but a child, but I hired a male grad student for a years in the mid 2000's. As a grad student, he had a lot of flexibility but was very serious about his academics and I felt like I could trust him. I think a college student could work, but it might also be difficult because they are not that much older than your son. Another person I hired was a male teacher who was unmarried and didn't have kids (late 20's). Given that their work hours end at the same as your son's school, that could work out great. Just giving you two ideas of possible males to hire if you don't want to go the au pair route again. Good luck, OP. I hope your co-workers are aware of your situation and are sympathetic. My co-worker has been dealing with her father's bad health for the last couple of years and all of us on her team will pitch in to help her every time, even when it's weeks on end. I don't know what you do, but I'm a lawyer and life is more important than work every time. I would think your co-workers would have some empathy for you. Not that you should abuse it, but don't be afraid to ask for help.