need ideas to manage next two years

[Anonymous]

I have a 14 year old son. I am an only parent for the last year. In the last year, of course the emotional stuff is terrible, but I'm increasingly anxious about my work coverage. Nothing I've done seems to be working to get me coverage. I thought I'd throw out a "hail mary" pass and just see if anyone has any additional ideas I should consider.

1) Son plays on a travel sports team and l.o.v.e.s. the team, the sports (he's active) and I think it's healthy for him to have this community. It means he has practices and matches.
2) Son has sadness and has a therapist who does animal-assisted therapy. This means virtual therapy is not very helpful. So he also has therapy. He also has a psychiatrist (more driving and appointments).
3) Son is social and has friends all over, which means drop offs and pick ups and hosting kids and buying food for these kids.

One of these days he will drive and once he is driving safely, my life may improve. Until then, I am facing serious drain on my work schedule and this is coming to a head, because I have a staff vacancy that I have to hire and cover.

I have tried hiring a driver, but the only people who responded were an older couple and the guy was creepy and they had limited hours. I might consider trying this again for afternoon driving to practice/appointments.

I have tried an au pair, but my son at 14 is sassy and not a sweet little kid. He and Au Pair fight all the time. It can't be good for either of them. Mostly they want me to mediate, which frustrates me, because I am paying for the au pair to be able to work my job, not resolve conflict between the two of them (like getting him up in the morning, getting him out the door to his sport practice, etc.)

I am thinking about firing au pair and using Uber. Am I insane?
I have seriously considered quitting my job, but it is our health insurance and that makes me very nervous. Again, I have to ask if I'm insane?

I feel so anxious and distressed. I have barely survived the last two years and I shudder to imagine how I will not get fired if this continues for another 2-1/2 years.

[Anonymous]

I would think at 14 yo your DS would understand that either he gets along with the au pair or he doesn't play travel sports. Those are his options. I'm assuming he's an 8th grader or a 9th grader and he should be getting the message that he needs to contribute to the smooth running of the household.

Under no circumstances do you quit your job. I wouldn't fire the au pair either because she's a stable second driver.

[Anonymous]

Get a male au pair?

[Anonymous]

I was kind of with you until the part where your son and the au pair are fighting.

I think you have a son problem. What the actual F. This is not normal. Not acceptable. Cooperate if you want the rides to the activities. What is there to fight about? Ride in silence if you need to.

[Anonymous]

I agree that your son is old enough to contribute to the smooth running of your home. If he loves his sport and wants his participation to continue he's got to behave responsibly.

Another option for driving, depending on where you're located, is Hop Skip Drive. I used them pre-covid for my non-driving high schooler when we had conflicting scheduled. They aren't good for off the cuff needs, but was a great option for a set schedule.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but is there no one you can carpool with for the practices/games? You’ll have to take turns, of course, but every little bit helps. Or, any chance to change teams to one that’s more local to you? My 13 year old does travel baseball and I’ll only drive so far for practices.

Agree with the others- if he fights with the au pair, then no travel sports. The AP is his transportation so if he doesn’t get along with them, he has no way to get to practice. What exactly do they fight about? I assume he resents the AP’s authority and telling him what to do?

As for the friends over…I’d dispense with drop off and pick up for these friends unless there is reciprocity. Your son can help plan grocery store runs to pick up food for snacks for his friends and he doesn’t make a list and/or accompany you if you want/need the help, no snacks.

[Anonymous]

This is a parenting problem.

At 14 all the things you listed are huge privileges and your son is being a huge brat. It’s time for a reality check. He is way too old to be acting this bratty and you’re enabling his entitlement which is terrible parenting. You’re basically teaching him to be an a$$hole.

The first thing to go will be social visits.

Next will be travel sports.

He needs to be polite and responsible about the rides from the au pair. If he can’t do that he will lose his privileges.

Talk to him separately and then with the au pair. Set clear expectations. He has 2 weeks to turn things around before you start taking away privileges. Seriously. Right now you’re giving him stuff and he’s basically spitting in your face with disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Your son is 14, not 4! He shouldn't need to be rousted out of bed, pushed to get out of door for his sports practices, etc.

In your shoes, I would sit your son down, and tell him that he is old enough to be responsible for his own $hit, and he will set alarms and timers, wake himself up and get himself to school on time, be ready for practices and hangouts without any prompting, etc. He is to not give the Au Pair a hard time; if he does you end up having to mediate, he loses his activity for the day. He misses practice enough days, he will likely be cut from the team, so make sure he knows that.

It is WAY past time to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

If it’s just about the driving, then yes, use Uber or hop skip jump.

He is probably fighting with the au pair because she is trying to babysit him and he is too old for that.

Psychiatrist appts are great for virtual even when therapy doesn’t work virtually.

Son hosts social stuff - how is buying food hard? Is it the expense or the logistics? You can have kids over without feeding them for a few hours. They will complain but they will live.

[Anonymous]

Uber now allows teens to ride alone with parental tracking.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/05/17/uber-teens-alone/

If your son is mature and responsible enough to get himself places, it could be an option for you.

I agree the au pair does not sound like it's working at 14.

What does your son think?

[Anonymous]

Honestly can you just hire a regular sitter/nanny for the after school hours (or whenever you need)- set hours? Obviously the responsibilities are different at this age and would be a bit of a weird job- but this person could drive DS around and otherwise do a few things around the house or errands in between driving responsibilities? Maybe a college kid?

Not clear if the au pair was in the past or current (if current- obviously never mind).

And clearly DS needs to behave and be polite to this person. Otherwise- no baseball.

[Anonymous]

Agree with a male babysitter/driver Look for local college kids or neighborhood ones.

[Anonymous]

I think he is too old for an au pair, and it seems really silly to have shower person living in your house just to handle afternoon driving for a teenager. I can’t imagine it’s a great plan to have a 19 year old girl in charge of a hormonal boy only slightly younger. If you get live in help, make it an older woman or a male au pair.

Look harder for drivers. Several of my neighbors use random people for this - college kids with one day off, a retired woman in her 50s. Usually a combination of a couple different people. Uber teen also seems like an option. And more carpooling. Is the animal therapy really necessary in addition to the psychiatrist? And cut back on having his friends over if you have to pick them up, that’s crazy. Grocery delivery.

[Anonymous]

Get a travel team carpool.

[Anonymous]

I would car pool for sports. If he loves the team so much, he must have friends with whom he can carpool with.
Social life- tell him to buy food for his friends by going to the store himself. Not sure how walkable your area is.
Stop driving him to friends’ houses- let him carpool.