need ideas to manage next two years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with a male babysitter/driver Look for local college kids or neighborhood ones.

+1

Just figure out what days you need in terms of his appts and practices and do this and pay for set hours. If you can afford to get someone in consistently then you won’t have worry about Uber, carpools etc etc (which require more organizing and can fall through). Someone like a college kid etc- ideally male. Could have them pick up a grocery order curbside too, or other things you need. Pretty easy job.

[Anonymous]

Talk to his therapist about this. Seriously. Your son's mental health concerns are deeply impacting you both and he needs to work on his own mindset to show you (and/or any hired help) gratitude for the sacrifices/work you are making for travel teams and a very active social life. His therapy is there, presumably, to help him lead a normal life. Frankly he may be emotional because it is a lot for him, too. It's ok to be sad, and its great that you are getting him help, but it's not an excuse to mistreat you and au pair.

[Anonymous]

You are all so quickly to call OP’s son a brat. It sounds to me like his other parent died. The behavior sounds fairly normal to me between the hormones and the loss.

[Anonymous]

Can you get a male au pair? I think that might go over better than a female one at age 14.

Also, age 14 on a boy can look funny - does he look like a grown man or an 11 yr old boy? If the former, I'd let him take Ubers.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for bropair. They used to be few, but this year as I was looking for our next au pair I'm seeing many more male AP candidates on my agency's website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14 year old son. I am an only parent for the last year. In the last year, of course the emotional stuff is terrible, but I'm increasingly anxious about my work coverage. Nothing I've done seems to be working to get me coverage. I thought I'd throw out a "hail mary" pass and just see if anyone has any additional ideas I should consider.

1) Son plays on a travel sports team and l.o.v.e.s. the team, the sports (he's active) and I think it's healthy for him to have this community. It means he has practices and matches.
2) Son has sadness and has a therapist who does animal-assisted therapy. This means virtual therapy is not very helpful. So he also has therapy. He also has a psychiatrist (more driving and appointments).
3) Son is social and has friends all over, which means drop offs and pick ups and hosting kids and buying food for these kids.

One of these days he will drive and once he is driving safely, my life may improve. Until then, I am facing serious drain on my work schedule and this is coming to a head, because I have a staff vacancy that I have to hire and cover.

I have tried hiring a driver, but the only people who responded were an older couple and the guy was creepy and they had limited hours. I might consider trying this again for afternoon driving to practice/appointments.

I have tried an au pair, but my son at 14 is sassy and not a sweet little kid. He and Au Pair fight all the time. It can't be good for either of them. Mostly they want me to mediate, which frustrates me, because I am paying for the au pair to be able to work my job, not resolve conflict between the two of them (like getting him up in the morning, getting him out the door to his sport practice, etc.)

I am thinking about firing au pair and using Uber. Am I insane?
I have seriously considered quitting my job, but it is our health insurance and that makes me very nervous. Again, I have to ask if I'm insane?

I feel so anxious and distressed. I have barely survived the last two years and I shudder to imagine how I will not get fired if this continues for another 2-1/2 years.

Posters keep telling you to "find" college kids, etc. who are willing to drive, but I hear what you said in the bolded, OP. My DH used to tell me the same when I would express concern about the after school EC schedule for our 3 kids. The situation as I've experienced is that this is a hard job to fill because it's not very appealing. Having an au pair might be overkill, but from a structural standpoint, I get it. It's reliable which then saves you time/energy. No offense to the posters, but the piecemeal suggestions are the worst for someone who is overwhelmed and needs to free up mental energy. This is where using a service like Hop Skip Drive or Alto makes more sense, but it's expensive.

[Anonymous]

It's incredibly difficult to find someone willing to work part-time, either as a "nanny" or driver, OP. My best friend looked for so long and every college kid she hired never lasted long, because as soon as something else crops up, they quit without notice. My other friend IS a part-time nanny. She charges the earth, and isn't short of wealthy clients. There's no one affordable for the working or middle class.

Your son does seem like he's struggling with boundaries and respect. You need to give him a serious talk and tell him that his sports and socialization are wants, not needs, and they will go away if he can't behave like a decent human being. Does he have special needs that make behavior difficult to manage? I am surprised he sees a therapist and a psychiatrist. My ADHD/ASD son saw his psych rarely and virtually. He didn't need therapy, so we didn't do that. Are you sure yours needs all these things?

Anyway. The worse thing you can do is quit your job. Under no circumstances should you do that.

[Anonymous]

Keep the au pair and punish your kid for being rude to her/him. And, if he cannot be nice, he doesn't get rides.

[Anonymous]

I found help at the local high school, on the job board.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to his therapist about his behavior. I totally get that he's dealing with sadness (and the loss of a parent?) but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass for acting poorly. Especially when it threatens your job and sanity. I totally get not wanting to come down hard on him, which is why I think working with the therapist would be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with a male babysitter/driver Look for local college kids or neighborhood ones.

Ugh. I bet some guys who want to babysit 14 year old boys would also like to do something else to them. Please be aware of this possibility for your son’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was kind of with you until the part where your son and the au pair are fighting.

I think you have a son problem. What the actual F. This is not normal. Not acceptable. Cooperate if you want the rides to the activities. What is there to fight about? Ride in silence if you need to.

This.

[Anonymous]

Uber Teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a parenting problem.

At 14 all the things you listed are huge privileges and your son is being a huge brat. It’s time for a reality check. He is way too old to be acting this bratty and you’re enabling his entitlement which is terrible parenting. You’re basically teaching him to be an a$$hole.

The first thing to go will be social visits.

Next will be travel sports.

He needs to be polite and responsible about the rides from the au pair. If he can’t do that he will lose his privileges.

Talk to him separately and then with the au pair. Set clear expectations. He has 2 weeks to turn things around before you start taking away privileges. Seriously. Right now you’re giving him stuff and he’s basically spitting in your face with disrespect.

+1million.

I have solo parented a few times - the last time with was 2.5 years. I work full-time in person. It's a lot of juggling and you can't cover everything. More than once my kids were simply told no when they wanted to go to someone's house at 2 in the afternoon on a early release day. They 100% understand that I'll do my best/what I can, but there's one of me. I've only had to make the speech once that as their mother I strive to get them where they need to be because that's my job and obligation. They don't have to thankful but they do have to be respectful.

[Anonymous]

How are you affording all this? He is probably treating the au pair like an older sister. Remind him she is not family. Otherwise care.com or Uber for rides. That's all he needs. Maybe a parent can drive him back from practice. Carpooling has been a lifesaver for us.