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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you divorced? Widowed?[/quote]

I'm widowed. Spouse died suddenly a year ago. DS found him (I was on a business trip). DS has depression and cutting, and spurts of anger. Yes, he needs limits, and I don't want to play chicken with ending his sports team, as it's an important outlet for him and a source of continuity and stability. Having good friendships is a protective factor for suicide prevention. Which yes, also is a concern, when he's really sad.

So we are a work in progress.

I appreciate all the suggestions.[/quote]

I'm sorry for your loss OP.  I want to share a story that is not necessarily your own situation, but may serve as a cautionary tale.  It is intended with compassion.

I have a close family member who also was the one to discover his father deceased when he was 14yo.  At that time he was the only child still in the home.  It was incredibly traumatic, obviously, for the mother and son.  The mother's (understandable) reaction was to essentially coddle the son.  He was treated with kid gloves for years, the formative years.  He was given most everything he asked for and not held accountable for much of anything- chores, treating people including his mother well, grades, etc.

Fast forward- he is an adult in his 30s who is REALLY struggling.  He feels entitled, he hasn't managed to launch a career, has not sustained any relationships. I'm not one to throw around words like "enmeshed" and "codependent", but that is truly the dynamic with the mother.  It is unhealthy for both of them.

You and your son have been through a lot, but please be careful not to go down this path.  It is a disservice to both you and your son.[/quote]

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