I told my teen I hate her, I meant it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Sorry. I had a very sick dad with cancer my entire high school life and I did *not* treat him or my mom badly. Neither did my younger siblings (2 and 4 years younger). We knew we were important parts of the family unit, and how we all pulled together affected everyone. If anything, we did too much for our parents (and went a bit crazy in college). But when your mom has cancer is not the time to be selfish..

We give teens too wide a berth nowadays. It's not okay to be rude. They *are* capable of compassion of responsibility.

Tell your spouse to back you up 100%. Then take privileges away.

This is all true but it doesn't mean OP isn't wildly out of line for telling her daughter, with complete sincerity, that she hates her.

[Anonymous]

Having had both, guess what is worse than having cancer?

Feeling like you are unwanted and unloved, and that there is no one in the world who values your existence in the world. I'd take cancer over that any day of the week, because while cancer is horrible and the treatment is awful and not being sure you are going to survive it is terrifying, it is worse to feel as though you have no reason to go on living, even if you are in perfect health.

OP, the worst part about what you are doing is that not only are you inflicting on your child a belief that she is unwanted and unloved, you will also likely pass down cancer-causing genes. So one day your daughter may experience cancer, and while dealing with that horrible ordeal, she will be haunted by the fact that her own mother hated her. Hated her. Think about the aspects of your life you found yourself visiting during cancer treatment, during the worst of it when you really weren't sure you would make it. Now imagine you had the memory of your own mother saying "I hate you" and counting the days until you would be out of her home for good.

That is the gift you are giving your daughter.

[Anonymous]

You need family therapy. You have suffered through cancer. Your child has suffered through your cancer. You need to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. My DD is a few months shy of 16 and has been very difficult to parent since day 1 compared to my other kids. She came out of the womb wanting to fight, every hill is worth dying on, she’s oppositional about everything. Sometimes she is violent.

She has her own therapist, we have a family therapists and I’ve had her neuro psych tested more than once to just pay tons of money for no diagnosis and no help. None. I’m told her behavior is within the spectrum of “normal”.
The therapists think she’s got some mood disorder. I’m at a loss how to help her, I’ve tried everything.

She has said she hates me, she hates how I make her feel (because in the parent that holds the boundaries), she can’t wait to leave and never come back, etc.

I hate that I am clearly not the right kind of mother to her and she’d probably be better off with some other kind of mother with a different personality. I hate that I’ve failed her that we’ve gotten to this point. I hate that I love her but that I resent her and don’t like her and dream of when she’s out of the house so we have peace and calm. I hate the death by a million pecks of her starting fights over the littlest things. I hate what it’s done to my marriage (we have been discussing separating). I hate what it’s done to my career. I hate it.

You are not alone Op. I’m sorry.

This post really hit home for me. I am having almost the exact same experience … and awful, depressing feelings about it. It’s almost like a loss, like I’m grieving.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. It isn’t fair. You didn’t cause this. There should be a support group for moms like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having had both, guess what is worse than having cancer?

Feeling like you are unwanted and unloved, and that there is no one in the world who values your existence in the world. I'd take cancer over that any day of the week, because while cancer is horrible and the treatment is awful and not being sure you are going to survive it is terrifying, it is worse to feel as though you have no reason to go on living, even if you are in perfect health.

OP, the worst part about what you are doing is that not only are you inflicting on your child a belief that she is unwanted and unloved, you will also likely pass down cancer-causing genes. So one day your daughter may experience cancer, and while dealing with that horrible ordeal, she will be haunted by the fact that her own mother hated her. Hated her. Think about the aspects of your life you found yourself visiting during cancer treatment, during the worst of it when you really weren't sure you would make it. Now imagine you had the memory of your own mother saying "I hate you" and counting the days until you would be out of her home for good.

That is the gift you are giving your daughter.

We say things that we don’t really mean in the heat of the moment. Or we do mean it - but only in the moment. Apologize, be accountable, and move on. She says horrible things to you all the time and you know she doesn’t mean it. Come on people, enough with the piling on and the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP btdt. Several rounds of it actually during those years. It’s hard to see past the chaos, but it really does get better in the next 18 months.
For now, Breathe.
I agree with pp that you and your husband need to be a united front otherwise he is enabling her. Work on that first. Give your daughter a wide berth, but keep the guardrails consistent. Pls do not give up on her. She still needs you.
Your strong, you can do this.

Erm, are you saying it gets better once they leave?

With THAT kind of attitude I’d hope my DC either has

1. a job lined up
Or
2. A full ride scholarship

Cause with that kind of turmoil and disrespect.. aint no way they’d be getting my support or living with me after graduation. And they’d be in for a wide-awaking if they think they can get student loans to pay for the next four years without me co-cosigning and/or giving them the the info they need for the fasfa.

There’s normal teenage rebellion (which IMO should not ever be accepted as “okay”—cause the shit they say is often hurtful and shows how much they take for granted) and then there’s normal teen antics plus them just being immature buttholes.

What an azz hole parent you are, planning to cripple your child's future as punishment for not bowing to your will and dominance. Enjoy the estrangement when it comes!

[Anonymous]

When you are feeling calm, appeal to the rational side of your brain and remind yourself that you are an adult and teenagers are going through some stuff without the brain development to handle it like an adult.

Read some books on parenting teens, so you don't feel all alone in it.

Wishing you well in your continued recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. My DD is a few months shy of 16 and has been very difficult to parent since day 1 compared to my other kids. She came out of the womb wanting to fight, every hill is worth dying on, she’s oppositional about everything. Sometimes she is violent.

She has her own therapist, we have a family therapists and I’ve had her neuro psych tested more than once to just pay tons of money for no diagnosis and no help. None. I’m told her behavior is within the spectrum of “normal”.
The therapists think she’s got some mood disorder. I’m at a loss how to help her, I’ve tried everything.

She has said she hates me, she hates how I make her feel (because in the parent that holds the boundaries), she can’t wait to leave and never come back, etc.

I hate that I am clearly not the right kind of mother to her and she’d probably be better off with some other kind of mother with a different personality. I hate that I’ve failed her that we’ve gotten to this point. I hate that I love her but that I resent her and don’t like her and dream of when she’s out of the house so we have peace and calm. I hate the death by a million pecks of her starting fights over the littlest things. I hate what it’s done to my marriage (we have been discussing separating). I hate what it’s done to my career. I hate it.

You are not alone Op. I’m sorry.

This post really hit home for me. I am having almost the exact same experience … and awful, depressing feelings about it. It’s almost like a loss, like I’m grieving.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. It isn’t fair. You didn’t cause this. There should be a support group for moms like us.

Thank you. I don’t blame my DD, I blame myself. She is who she is and I feel completely ill equipped to give her the kind of mothering she needs. I’ve tried everything (my own therapist, parenting coaches, parenting classes, books, her own therapist, family therapist, neuro psych exams). I am a shell of myself and who I used to be. I support her, come to all her games, encourage her hobbies, give her space, I really, really try my hardest. Nothing works. Nothing. And I accept the blame and don’t point it at her. I am just not the right mother for her and it kills me inside.

[Anonymous]

DBT, Instep PC, Merrifield VA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel awful. And the fact that you’re using the cancer to try to turn yourself into the victim is manipulative and disgusting. No wonder your husband has had enough and is trying to support your DC.

This really stuck out to me too. The "i dont want to get sick again". What does that have to do with anything? Your daughter being a jerk and stressing you out isnt going to bring your cancer back. I sure hope you're not insinuating that to her.

Clearly OP is in a state of trauma and blaming her daughter for her cancer.

She needs deep and intense therapy.

The stress hormone cascade has a huge impact on overall health and yes, it is linked to cancer - the medical language is that 'stress makes a human body more hospitable to cancer.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. My DD is a few months shy of 16 and has been very difficult to parent since day 1 compared to my other kids. She came out of the womb wanting to fight, every hill is worth dying on, she’s oppositional about everything. Sometimes she is violent.

She has her own therapist, we have a family therapists and I’ve had her neuro psych tested more than once to just pay tons of money for no diagnosis and no help. None. I’m told her behavior is within the spectrum of “normal”.
The therapists think she’s got some mood disorder. I’m at a loss how to help her, I’ve tried everything.

She has said she hates me, she hates how I make her feel (because in the parent that holds the boundaries), she can’t wait to leave and never come back, etc.

I hate that I am clearly not the right kind of mother to her and she’d probably be better off with some other kind of mother with a different personality. I hate that I’ve failed her that we’ve gotten to this point. I hate that I love her but that I resent her and don’t like her and dream of when she’s out of the house so we have peace and calm. I hate the death by a million pecks of her starting fights over the littlest things. I hate what it’s done to my marriage (we have been discussing separating). I hate what it’s done to my career. I hate it.

You are not alone Op. I’m sorry.

This post really hit home for me. I am having almost the exact same experience … and awful, depressing feelings about it. It’s almost like a loss, like I’m grieving.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. It isn’t fair. You didn’t cause this. There should be a support group for moms like us.

Thank you. I don’t blame my DD, I blame myself. She is who she is and I feel completely ill equipped to give her the kind of mothering she needs. I’ve tried everything (my own therapist, parenting coaches, parenting classes, books, her own therapist, family therapist, neuro psych exams). I am a shell of myself and who I used to be. I support her, come to all her games, encourage her hobbies, give her space, I really, really try my hardest. Nothing works. Nothing. And I accept the blame and don’t point it at her. I am just not the right mother for her and it kills me inside.

My guess is that in addition to the usual teenaged angst and how that manifests in pulling away from parents, challenging boundaries, etc. - your daughter is likely also dealing with huge feelings about your cancer, and anticipatory grief for the possibility that you might die (doesn't matter that you are in remission or may have a very positive prognosis - this is her amygdala speaking to her and it doesn't recognize oncology statistics) and abandon her. It is a classic reactive response to fear of abandonment to reject the person who might abandon you, thus controlling the outcome.

I bet there is a lot going on in her head that she hasn't come close to expressing to you and your husband. What *did* she express in family therapy?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're the adult here. You need to act like it. Telling your own daughter that you hate her is devastating to her. She'll never forget it. It's up to you to repair the bridge you burned with her. She is almost an adult, she is on the edge of leaving the family home in two years.

Unless you never want to see her again, then you had better do the hard work. Start by apologizing to her in a sincere, real way for telling her that you hate her. A mother's words cut deeper than anyone else's with a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter will never forget this, nor should she. I hope she has the strength to go no-contact with you in the future when she can; it sounds like your DH will support her in that. Thank heavens he is on her side; telling your DC you hate them is abusive. And this thing you are doing? Where you imply your cancer could come back because of stress with your DC? Get some help. Seriously. I hope you haven’t been going around saying stuff like that to your child, or even your DH. Bet you have though.

[Anonymous]

OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having had both, guess what is worse than having cancer?

Feeling like you are unwanted and unloved, and that there is no one in the world who values your existence in the world. I'd take cancer over that any day of the week, because while cancer is horrible and the treatment is awful and not being sure you are going to survive it is terrifying, it is worse to feel as though you have no reason to go on living, even if you are in perfect health.

OP, the worst part about what you are doing is that not only are you inflicting on your child a belief that she is unwanted and unloved, you will also likely pass down cancer-causing genes. So one day your daughter may experience cancer, and while dealing with that horrible ordeal, she will be haunted by the fact that her own mother hated her. Hated her. Think about the aspects of your life you found yourself visiting during cancer treatment, during the worst of it when you really weren't sure you would make it. Now imagine you had the memory of your own mother saying "I hate you" and counting the days until you would be out of her home for good.

That is the gift you are giving your daughter.

Please. The daughter says these things because she feels safe and secure enough. And that no matter what, her place in the home is secure because she the bond won’t be broken.