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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. My DD is a few months shy of 16 and has been very difficult to parent since day 1 compared to my other kids. She came out of the womb wanting to fight, every hill is worth dying on, she’s oppositional about everything. Sometimes she is violent.

She has her own therapist, we have a family therapists and I’ve had her neuro psych tested more than once to just pay tons of money for no diagnosis and no help. None. I’m told her behavior is within the spectrum of “normal”.
The therapists think she’s got some mood disorder. I’m at a loss how to help her, I’ve tried everything.

She has said she hates me, she hates how I make her feel (because in the parent that holds the boundaries), she can’t wait to leave and never come back, etc.

I hate that I am clearly not the right kind of mother to her and she’d probably be better off with some other kind of mother with a different personality. I hate that I’ve failed her that we’ve gotten to this point. I hate that I love her but that I resent her and don’t like her and dream of when she’s out of the house so we have peace and calm. I hate the death by a million pecks of her starting fights over the littlest things. I hate what it’s done to my marriage (we have been discussing separating). I hate what it’s done to my career. I hate it.

You are not alone Op. I’m sorry. [/quote]

This post really hit home for me. I am having almost the exact same experience … and awful, depressing feelings about it. It’s almost like a loss, like I’m grieving. 
 I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sucks. It isn’t fair. You didn’t cause this. There should be a support group for moms like us. [/quote]

Thank you. I don’t blame my DD, I blame myself. She is who she is and I feel completely ill equipped to give her the kind of mothering she needs. I’ve tried everything (my own therapist, parenting coaches, parenting classes, books, her own therapist, family therapist, neuro psych exams). I am a shell of myself and who I used to be. I support her, come to all her games, encourage her hobbies, give her space,  I really, really try my hardest. Nothing works. Nothing. And I accept the blame and don’t point it at her. I am just not the right mother for her and it kills me inside. [/quote]

My guess is that in addition to the usual teenaged angst and how that manifests in pulling away from parents, challenging boundaries, etc. - your daughter is likely also dealing with huge feelings about your cancer, and anticipatory grief for the possibility that you might die (doesn't matter that you are in remission or may have a very positive prognosis - this is her amygdala speaking to her and it doesn't recognize oncology statistics) and abandon her. It is a classic reactive response to fear of abandonment to reject the person who might abandon you, thus controlling the outcome.

I bet there is a lot going on in her head that she hasn't come close to expressing to you and your husband. What *did* she express in family therapy?[/quote]

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