I told my teen I hate her, I meant it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

It’s useless. PP will never understand.

I didn’t realize how illiterate this country really is, but based on this thread it would appear as though a significant percentage of seemingly educated adults have no ability to comprehend subtext (or “read between the lines”). If something is not EXPLICITLY stated, they cannot understand how that thing is still being “said”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

It’s useless. PP will never understand.

I didn’t realize how illiterate this country really is, but based on this thread it would appear as though a significant percentage of seemingly educated adults have no ability to comprehend subtext (or “read between the lines”). If something is not EXPLICITLY stated, they cannot understand how that thing is still being “said”.

PP has misrepresented the last 3 posts they responded to, adding words, context and meaning that wasn't there. Clearly a pattern to twist words to fit their narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

It’s useless. PP will never understand.

I didn’t realize how illiterate this country really is, but based on this thread it would appear as though a significant percentage of seemingly educated adults have no ability to comprehend subtext (or “read between the lines”). If something is not EXPLICITLY stated, they cannot understand how that thing is still being “said”.

Except we can't KNOW what OP was feeling or meant, because she didnt EXPLICITLY WRITE that. You and pp are projecting based on your own experiences what you think she meant, but none of us actually know for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

You don't think its possible she fees bad because she verbalized it? Whether or not you hate your child, the biggest issue here is saying it to her. Quite interesting that you gloss over that entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

You don't think its possible she fees bad because she verbalized it? Whether or not you hate your child, the biggest issue here is saying it to her. Quite interesting that you gloss over that entirely.

If she meant it why in the world would she feel bad she verbalized it? If she was asking everyone how she should punish her daughter for continuing to be rude to her you might have a point, yet she feels awful and you can’t fathom why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

You don't think its possible she fees bad because she verbalized it? Whether or not you hate your child, the biggest issue here is saying it to her. Quite interesting that you gloss over that entirely.

If she meant it why in the world would she feel bad she verbalized it? If she was asking everyone how she should punish her daughter for continuing to be rude to her you might have a point, yet she feels awful and you can’t fathom why.

You can still mean things and not want the person to know. You can realize how hurtful the words would be to hear out loud. At least most people with any sort of self awareness would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

You don't think its possible she fees bad because she verbalized it? Whether or not you hate your child, the biggest issue here is saying it to her. Quite interesting that you gloss over that entirely.

If she meant it why in the world would she feel bad she verbalized it? If she was asking everyone how she should punish her daughter for continuing to be rude to her you might have a point, yet she feels awful and you can’t fathom why.

You can still mean things and not want the person to know. You can realize how hurtful the words would be to hear out loud. At least most people with any sort of self awareness would.

And some people can be pushed too far and snap. In fact i'd bet 99% of people either have or will do that at some point in their lifetimes. You "I was raised by a controlling abusive mother so I don't even raise my voice at my own DC" posters are wholly unbelievable.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your 16 year old daughter fears that she will get cancer.

Your 16 year old daughter fears that you will abandon her due to your cancer.

Your 16 year old cannot cope with your cancer and hates that your cancer has dominated her life.

OP, cancer, not your daughter, is the enemy.

Coping with harsh realities affects individuals differently.

OP, you hate your cancer and you hate what cancer has done to your life, your marriage, and to your relationship with your daughter.

OP, the first step is to correctly identify the enemy, and the enemy is not your daughter.

You are making a lot of assumptions, PP. Sometimes (often, actually) - teens are just really, really hard on the parents. It’s common.

And unfortunately some personality disordered parents are just “really, really hard” on their kids. It’s common.

+10million.

Maybe because they were irreparably damaged by their own parents. In that way nobody is ever wrong, nobody asks to be born.

This is true, but someone comes along to break the chain. My mom was totally disorders. I made huge strides not to be and I am not. My mother criticized me for taking parenting classes, saying she didn’t “need” them. I responded “well, I think I do”. At the same time I was thinking ‘uh, yeah, you absolutely did need them! I had a terrible example and that is why I need them’. But I didn’t actually say what I thought. I have 2 kids through this stage, one in this stage, and one younger. I think I’m doing well. No, I would never say something as hurtful as OP did. I actually very much love my kids and they know it, even though and especially when we fight. No one has ever said they hate anyone in our house.

So when you were in remission from cancer did you not miss a beat?

You folks keep making apologies for a mother who said she hated her child and meant it. Totally messed up.

WHO HAS CANCER!

The kid is a fxxx up. A MEAN GIRL.

She's 16 and just spent the last few years watching her mom go through cancer, but okay I guess she's worthless because she did some very predictable teenage things.

DP. My siblings and I managed to get through our teenage years without ever ONCE telling either of our parents that we hated them, despite lots of arguments and drama.

I don’t think this is “predictable teenage” behavior. I think it is just plain awful behavior. Maybe this is a good learning moment for the kid, to learn that if you throw around phrases like “I hate you” you might hear it back someday. Yes, it is devastating to hear this from a parent, but maybe hearing it is the only way this girl will learn that words matter (even when she is the one saying them).

(FTR I absolutely think OP needs to apologize if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter. However, I am taken aback by the posters who seem to have concluded that the daughter is an innocent victim and OP is a horrible monster. They BOTH said it, and a 16 year old is absolutely old enough to be mature enough to know better.)

I mean, even little kids will say "I hate you" to their parents. It really is predictable behavior and is incredibly common. I don't get the pearl clutching about how people can't believe a 16 year old said this to her parent. So many kids say "I hate you" to their parents at some point or another that if you google "teenager said I hate you" you will get literally millions of results linking to article explaining to parents what to do in this situation.

Also, as many people have explained, this particular teen has had a very atypical adolescence, in that her mom has been struggling with cancer for the last several years. If you are familiar with the ACES test/score, having a family member with a serious illness is a major source of stress and trauma that can impact people into adulthood. So that's why many of us find it very unsurprising that this child had aggression and conflict issues, as these are very normal responses to the stress of watching a parent struggle with a life threatening illness in your tween/early teen years.

But anyway, the "I hate you"s don't cancel each other out because they mean different things. A parent and a child are not equal and don't have the same responsibilities or roles in their relationship. So even though they said the same thing, what OP did was worse. For a child to say "I hate you" to a parent is hurtful, yes. But it can also be a way of testing boundaries, getting attention (even negative attention can be better to a child than no attention), trying to provoke a conflict in an effort to address past issues that the parent views as settled, etc. Yes, it is immature. But a 16 year old is less mature than a 30 or 40 year old.

When a parent tells a child "I hate you" it means something else. Anger, rejection, burn out.

For a child, this behavior is a clumsy way of trying to force engagement. For a parent, it's a way to end engagement. That's why what OP said is worse than what her DD said. Her DD's comment was a cry for help. OP's comment was a way of saying "I will not help you."

Everyone is excusing the daughter for having had to endure her mother going through cancer, but no one is extending any grace to the mother who had to endure cancer!

I didn’t say they canceled each other out, and I am not arguing about which is worse. I am saying the daughter is not an innocent victim, she provoked her mother, got a response she wasn’t expecting, and now hopefully they can BOTH learn from it.

OP is the adult and the parent. She has a higher responsibility here. Cancer doesn’t give you free rein to be a sh!tty parent. Blaming your child for your cancer is the epitome of red flag parenting.

At no point did she blame her daughter for her cancer you illiterate doofus.

Party A having more responsibility does NOT mean Party B has ZERO responsibility.

I don’t know if anyone said the child has zero responsibility. In fact if you bothered to read that post you’d see it says the mom has ‘higher level’ not ‘all’ responsibility “you illiterate doofus”. Clearly the parent sets the tone for parenting decisions, and those decisions include saying she hates her own child.

If she feels so bad she should apologize.

If YOU had read the post you would understand that she feels bad not because she told her daughter she hates her, too (remember, this darling angel told her mom she hates her and mom responded in kind); she feels bad because she meant it. She feels bad because she is at the point in her relationship with her child where she legitimately hates her. We all know you’re not supposed to say it, but OP is under a lot of stress and she snapped. You know, like a real person.

So if anyone was interested in providing useful advice to OP it would involve how to not hate her daughter. Lashing out at her with all of your unresolved mommy issues isn’t helping her OR HER DAUGHTER. Some of you are using OP as a punching bag because you either have not gotten effective therapy to deal with your own sh!t, or you just haven’t grown TF up yet and are stuck in bratty entitled teenager mode.

Yet again you aren't even reading. No where in OP does it say that. You are projecting again.

Reread the OP again. It is you who is confused.

"yet I feel awful"
not "I feel bad because I meant it"
Gosh it must be difficult for you to get through the day when you make up constant conversations that never happened.

Oh boy. You must be one of the Americans who didn’t read a book last year.

You don't think its possible she fees bad because she verbalized it? Whether or not you hate your child, the biggest issue here is saying it to her. Quite interesting that you gloss over that entirely.

If she meant it why in the world would she feel bad she verbalized it? If she was asking everyone how she should punish her daughter for continuing to be rude to her you might have a point, yet she feels awful and you can’t fathom why.

You can still mean things and not want the person to know. You can realize how hurtful the words would be to hear out loud. At least most people with any sort of self awareness would.

Right so why is everyone heaping so much abuse on OP? She gets it. She knows. She knows she words are hurtful and it’s not right, it didn’t make her feel better to say it out loud. She feels awful for obvious reasons.