Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

I mean this with kindness, but this won’t end well if you don’t pivot. You won’t win this “I don’t want to see her” battle. The reality is that “new love” is just as exciting in your 60s as it was at 16 and 26. Your dad will likely pick her unless they break up for other reasons.

My sister took the road you did and she can now go years without seeing my dad and the woman he married. I don’t think it has benefitted anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

Holy crap, do not do this.

Look, speaking from experience here - no one will replace your mother, neither in your life nor your dad’s. Your mother will ALWAYS be the love of his life, the mother of his children, the woman who shared every life experience with him from early adulthood to their senior decades. That’s not a relationship that can be replaced.

But he can also have a person in his life now who can help make this stage of life enjoyable - a companion, someone to go to dinner with & talk to, to go on a trip with or take up golfing together. Don’t make him feel guilty for that.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is entitled to companionship and love. You need to get past this; do it with the help of therapy if necessary. Your dad and his new love do not need or deserve the drama of your rejection.

[Anonymous]

How many years was your mother sick before she died?

If it was two years, then your dad hasn’t really had a life partner for 8 years, as it’s possible their marriage morphed into him being in a caregiver role rather than a true spouse role.

If it was more than 2 years, then add those extra years on. That’s how long he has really been alone. A LONG time.

[Anonymous]

I have not lost my mom but my dh did when he was 25. When we met at 30 his dad had met a lovely women. They went on to enjoy 20 yrs together and she became my dcs grandmother in many ways.

They never married and maintained separate homes but spent all of their time together, mutual friends, holidays, winters in Florida, visiting us and other siblings.

They also talked about their deceased spouses in front of each other/ us, visited their graves together.

This 2nd partner gave such joy to my FIL and really to all of his children and me as the DIL as I had this lovely other woman whom was a surrogate MIL. My dh and all his sibs knew how much their dad loved their mom. This was just a bonus.

My fil is deceased and we are still in close contact with her.

[Anonymous]

I can so relate, OP. My mom died at 66, and my sister and I had a very hard time dealing with my dad’s partner in the following years. We didn’t see her much at first and found it hard to be around her or even talk about her with our dad. But then we saw how important the companionship was for our dad—they traveled, they read the papers together, they watched and discussed movies, all the little things that help keep one mentally and physically healthy. When my dad eventually got ill and passed, I was so grateful for his partner’s help and love and support. I ended up being glad she was there for him, though she never—of course—replaced my mom. But that first year was very hard—I felt protective of my mom, bitter, angry, a lot of very natural emotions.

[Anonymous]

What makes you say "she'll never replace my mom?" Is there some indication that this is the goal? Because when wodows/widowers of adult children date, especially in their 70s, the goal isnt to replace the mother of the adult child. That's just not typically how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can so relate, OP. My mom died at 66, and my sister and I had a very hard time dealing with my dad’s partner in the following years. We didn’t see her much at first and found it hard to be around her or even talk about her with our dad. But then we saw how important the companionship was for our dad—they traveled, they read the papers together, they watched and discussed movies, all the little things that help keep one mentally and physically healthy. When my dad eventually got ill and passed, I was so grateful for his partner’s help and love and support. I ended up being glad she was there for him, though she never—of course—replaced my mom. But that first year was very hard—I felt protective of my mom, bitter, angry, a lot of very natural emotions.

OP here. Thank you immensely for sharing this story.

[Anonymous]

My dad died 3 years ago after a long illness. Honestly, I'd already mourned the loss of my dad before he died. The 2 years before he died he was so sick that my mom couldn't leave him alone for more than a couple hours.

She started dating someone 6 months ago and I'm thrilled. She deserves some happiness like that. She deserves dinner dates and some romance. Shes not replacing my dad or forgetting him. She's just trying to have a life now.

[Anonymous]

Grow up OP. Also you are going to be grateful when he needs a nursemaid, if it’s not her it’s going to be you. My MIL having a partner in her final years meant I was off the hook having to care for her and take her to doctors.

[Anonymous]

Woah. If your husband dies do you plan to never date again? And if you do, you think your dad would refuse to meet your new partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah. If your husband dies do you plan to never date again? And if you do, you think your dad would refuse to meet your new partner?

Not really a comparable situation. Child/parent is different FIL/son in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

I am assuming (and hoping) that this is sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to the PPs who provided some perspective on this without insulting me. I love my dad and of course want him to be happy. I also recognize I am still grieving which is probably clouding my judgment and emotions.

I think it's good that you are acknowledging that your grief is clouding your judgement. I am very sorry you lost your mother and are still grieving.

I think your father has tried to introduce the topic in a sensitive and gentle way. Take some time to get used to the idea, but ultimately try to see this from your dad's point of view.

Best of luck to you.

And please call your father and apologize for your unsupportive reaction. You are putting him in a really difficult situation. He should be supported by you to explore companionship. He will live longer and be happier if he’s not alone.

[Anonymous]

My mom is currently dying of cancer and the thought that my dad might have a new lady friend at some point has crossed my mind. We would of course talk about wills, POA, and other matters at the time, but I can't really expect he be a lonely widow for whatever time he has left without my mom. He's in his late 70s. In some ways it would give me peace of mind that he wasn't alone all the time and had someone there with him in case he fell, needed help, keep him up on his doctor appointments, keep him company, etc. I can't be there all the time I have my own life and young kids.