Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would anyone stay in a marriage like this?! Way to show your kids how to be a doormat and put up with abuse.

Some people don't have an out that doesn't destroy their kids' lives. Financial abuse is a large component of why people stay/take a long time to extricate themselves from abusive relationships.

And as a pp pointed out, co-parenting with an abuser doesn't stop the abuse. It just gives them a new venue.

[Anonymous]

NP and my DH does this. He has ADHd/ASD (diagnosed, medicated for the ADHD since adulthood) and this is his typical pattern when tired or when out of his normal routine- in other words, on vacation, during holidays and on weekends.

The only explanation I have for it is that it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism he developed in childhood and relies on because it’s so effective. It’s obvious from childhood stories and from interactions with his parents now that he learned early on to deflect feelings of discomfort from criticism, mistakes or even biological needs like being hungry or tired by throwing a tantrum. The tantrums force people to either concede to his needs/wants to de-escalate the situation or to drop the subject when the situation involves criticism or a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Male here.
You say “you said some pretty nasty things to me and have an on again/zoff again nasty streak. I don’t believe anyone especially me as your spouse deserves to be spoken to this way. You can not and I willl not let you speak to me or treat me like that. With that being said is this something you are will to stop and address?”
Let him respond. If he starts going of on a tangent or making excuses. Say “i have expressed my feelings and my question is, is this something you are will to address?”

If he says any form of no, you have your answer.

If he says yes, ask him how he plans to address it. If he says he doesn’t know. Say “why don’t you let me know by Thursday (2-3 day later ) what your plan is. If you need help coming up with a plan why don’t we set aside some time tomorrow night to work on a plan. But this discussion will only be about making a plan not about what happened or anything else”.

If

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: You need to get away from this person forever if you can. This type of selfish, abusive, narcissistic personality rarely--if ever--changes. If there are no children involved, then get out of the relationship ASAP.

Can you read? Jeez.

[Anonymous]

I beg to differ - you don’t have to go on the next day as “normal.” There’s not one thing normal about his behavior, and your kids don’t need that stuff normalized. Don’t martyr yourself - he hurt you deeply and you don’t have to pretend he didn’t. I would grey rock him, even on vacation - pull way back and focus all your energy on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

So don’t. Who cares what you think?

She does. She asked for my opinion. What is your problem?

Not yours Karen.

Mine is the most important one. And being asked to just believe her is a red flag. What did she do to provoke him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and my DH does this. He has ADHd/ASD (diagnosed, medicated for the ADHD since adulthood) and this is his typical pattern when tired or when out of his normal routine- in other words, on vacation, during holidays and on weekends.

The only explanation I have for it is that it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism he developed in childhood and relies on because it’s so effective. It’s obvious from childhood stories and from interactions with his parents now that he learned early on to deflect feelings of discomfort from criticism, mistakes or even biological needs like being hungry or tired by throwing a tantrum. The tantrums force people to either concede to his needs/wants to de-escalate the situation or to drop the subject when the situation involves criticism or a mistake.

OP here. This is so helpful, thank you for sharing. In my household it's similar. These events have mainly happened outside the normal routine, generally when traveling. I'm thinking of no more vacations until we get to the root problem. It's a maladaptive coping mechansim that was maybe learned, maybe stems from anxiety. A tantrum is a good term for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

Yep +1

Sounds like my DH. Don’t engage.

This! Captures the dynamic perfectly.

- NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

Yep +1

Sounds like my DH. Don’t engage.

This! Captures the dynamic perfectly.

- NP

+3

This, plus the PP who mentioned the maladaptive response. In DH's case, it involves narcissism, HFA ASD/ADHD, and dysfunctional family preoccupied with appearances. You are not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your husband hates himself and his life, and he projects it onto others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would anyone stay in a marriage like this?! Way to show your kids how to be a doormat and put up with abuse.

Some people don't have an out that doesn't destroy their kids' lives. Financial abuse is a large component of why people stay/take a long time to extricate themselves from abusive relationships.

And as a pp pointed out, co-parenting with an abuser doesn't stop the abuse. It just gives them a new venue.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband hates himself and his life, and he projects it onto others.

OP, your DH has depression and anxiety, as a result of his upbringing (both nature and nurture). He was taught to lash out, for better or worse. This is how they look for attention, inadvertently or not. Not sure if he would consider meds? Most therapists around here suck, especially if your DH is accustomed to masking, and charms the therapists. Good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband hates himself and his life, and he projects it onto others.

DH is like this because his father and mother did not like each other, so their communication was terrible, and affection non existent. It is really hard to live with someone whose family dynamics are messed up. It is even worse when the MIL is angry, bitter and non supportive, and want the same existence for you as they had. Sorry you are going through this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

Why are you argumentative? How does this help?

[Anonymous]

I was married to a person like this. You are being abused. It never gets better and it only gets worse. You are subjecting your children to a terrible template for marriage. Please consider divorce.