Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Stop gaslighting the OP.

DP that isn’t gaslighting and it’s my question too.

Please stop using words like gaslighting incorrectly. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have young, dependent children, then abuse toward you affects the children as well.

Yes, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

Your children might benefit from therapy as well. Ask your therapist how to explain your husband's abusive behavior to your children.

If you are not trapped financially, leave; if trapped financially, be prepared to deal with this abuse as your husband is unlikely to change his behavior; he probably feels resentful toward you and blames you for trapping him in this relationship. In short, he is a selfish, immature jerk who does not deserve to have a dependent family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the word “fight” in quotation marks? A fight suggests hostilities on both sides so it would be helpful to know what YOU said and did too before accepting at face value your vague complaints about him being mean or “dysregulated” [sic].

Because it's so far out of bounds for fight in my view. It was more like an abusive emotional attack. We were having an ordinary level disagreement. I had asked if he needed a break from the kids or how I could help, before things escalated. Assume massive emotional dysregulation on his part for purposes of advice.

You ARE going to have to share details for us to assess this because right now all you are doing is offering vague descriptions of his behavior and making weird misspelled clinical diagnoses and positioning yourself as victim when there was obviously a conflict, which points to a dynamic that needs to be examined. He very well may be abusive but it’s still a dynamic and it would be useful to know what role you play in that dynamic.

What, specifically, was the “fight” about and what happened?

Nothing is misspelled. Look it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

[Anonymous]

This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

Thank you. I think it may be something like this. I need to learn to just steel myself and ignore. Rather than feel such devastation when it unleashes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have young, dependent children, then abuse toward you affects the children as well.

Yes, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

Your children might benefit from therapy as well. Ask your therapist how to explain your husband's abusive behavior to your children.

If you are not trapped financially, leave; if trapped financially, be prepared to deal with this abuse as your husband is unlikely to change his behavior; he probably feels resentful toward you and blames you for trapping him in this relationship. In short, he is a selfish, immature jerk who does not deserve to have a dependent family.

You sound like another broken loser whose response to every thread is to tell a poster who may actually need to work on herself to leave or get divorced.

Advice on DCUM costs nothing and people get their money’s worth for it.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would anyone stay in a marriage like this?! Way to show your kids how to be a doormat and put up with abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would anyone stay in a marriage like this?! Way to show your kids how to be a doormat and put up with abuse.

Coparenting w an abuser is it much better. FYI

[Anonymous]

Is NOT much better

[Anonymous]

OP I believe you & do not think you are making this all up.

Since you stated that this was not the first time this has happened, I would say this is definitely an ongoing issue that needs to be addressed in depth if your marriage is to continue.

I suggest he attend marital counseling w/you first - if he declines then make sure that you get yourself enrolled as soon as you can.

Hopefully your therapist/counselor can advise you better than any of us can on steps you need to take to deal w/this issue.

Wishing you only the best!

[Anonymous]

Do divorce lawyer consults too so you are prepared. He could divorce you at any time or mood swing, and you should too at the right time and when you are stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

Yep +1

Sounds like my DH. Don’t engage.

[Anonymous]

My DH was extremely mean especially when angry and when I said I had enough and was ready to leave he did change. The key here is that I was absolutely serious about leaving no matter the cost and he really does love me and wants to spend his life with me.

[Anonymous]

You know you need to leave. So start getting your ducks in a row.

For immediately though, I would try and drop the rope. Dont acknowledge his meanness. Walk away if he starts yelling or saying mean things. Dont react to it, but you also dont need to sit through it and be a punching bag. Go to therapy. Get some divorce consults. Just to see what your options are.