Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness

[Anonymous]

I will spare you all the details but we had a "fight" on a family vacation where he said extremely mean things. I'm brokenhearted and just disgusted by his ongoing/recurring emotional dysregulation and inability to communicate without contempt. And apparent narcissism. I had to go on the next day "as normal" because else was I supposed to do on vacation and for the kids. Back home now. Going to schedule therapy for myself. What do I say to him? I just can't bear to fight more, which is what will happen if I point out how awful this was for me. This is not the first time this has happened, and I'm so lost. I'm not ready to go to therapy with him, I feel like I need it for myself first. But maybe I'm wrong and should insist he go too. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would go to therapy myself first.

The next time he stars saying mean thing, disengage and walk away.

[Anonymous]

*starts

[Anonymous]

Why is the word “fight” in quotation marks? A fight suggests hostilities on both sides so it would be helpful to know what YOU said and did too before accepting at face value your vague complaints about him being mean or “dysregulated” [sic].

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the word “fight” in quotation marks? A fight suggests hostilities on both sides so it would be helpful to know what YOU said and did too before accepting at face value your vague complaints about him being mean or “dysregulated” [sic].

Because it's so far out of bounds for fight in my view. It was more like an abusive emotional attack. We were having an ordinary level disagreement. I had asked if he needed a break from the kids or how I could help, before things escalated. Assume massive emotional dysregulation on his part for purposes of advice.

[Anonymous]

OP: You need to get away from this person forever if you can. This type of selfish, abusive, narcissistic personality rarely--if ever--changes. If there are no children involved, then get out of the relationship ASAP.

[Anonymous]

If you have young, dependent children, then abuse toward you affects the children as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have young, dependent children, then abuse toward you affects the children as well.

Yes, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

[Anonymous]

BTDT. You know you can’t change him, right? All you can do is set boundaries and ask him to be open to hearing your perspective. The therapist should help you decide what those boundaries should be, from leaving the room when he starts deregulating to telling him that you will leave him if he doesn’t stop.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Stop gaslighting the OP.

[Anonymous]

I left, but it wasn't easy. Even his family couldn't get him under control.
Are you sure he wants to be married? Are you sure he is not on spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left, but it wasn't easy. Even his family couldn't get him under control.
Are you sure he wants to be married? Are you sure he is not on spectrum?

I'm not sure of much at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the word “fight” in quotation marks? A fight suggests hostilities on both sides so it would be helpful to know what YOU said and did too before accepting at face value your vague complaints about him being mean or “dysregulated” [sic].

Because it's so far out of bounds for fight in my view. It was more like an abusive emotional attack. We were having an ordinary level disagreement. I had asked if he needed a break from the kids or how I could help, before things escalated. Assume massive emotional dysregulation on his part for purposes of advice.

You ARE going to have to share details for us to assess this because right now all you are doing is offering vague descriptions of his behavior and making weird misspelled clinical diagnoses and positioning yourself as victim when there was obviously a conflict, which points to a dynamic that needs to be examined. He very well may be abusive but it’s still a dynamic and it would be useful to know what role you play in that dynamic.

What, specifically, was the “fight” about and what happened?