Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh. He has adhd and takes every piece of advice or question as a personal attack. He lashed out and unloads, realizes he is wrong, but then never apologizes and just acts like everything is okay the next morning. I have learned to stop engaging him when he gets like that. If I don't engage with him, it doesn't escalate.

Yep +1

Sounds like my DH. Don’t engage.

+1

The kids and I stopped engage with moody adhd/asd spouse. They were a work addict too and added more travel to their schedule, which they could not handle. This morphed into a midlife crisis where they blamed us for everything and for ignoring them, and now they threaten divorce every weekend.

Zero ability to self reflect.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell us how the fight started, who said what? It would help me too know how things went sideways, and where things could be nipped in the bud. I learned communication skills (because I am aspies) in DBT and would like to see if I can spot where a skill could apply.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big fan of grey-rocking abusive people you have to continue contact with on some level. Read up on it.

Grey rock him. Consult an attorney about like equity sit and child custody and support. Get into individual therapy and use that to focus on what you want your life to be like based on the assumption that this is his normal and it will stay the same or get worse. Spend less time jointly with him. Spend more time separately with the kids so you can strengthen your bond with them and model healthy adult child interaction. Build your personal network of support. Invest in your career/earning power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

So don’t. Who cares what you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of grey-rocking abusive people you have to continue contact with on some level. Read up on it.

Grey rock him. Consult an attorney about like equity sit and child custody and support. Get into individual therapy and use that to focus on what you want your life to be like based on the assumption that this is his normal and it will stay the same or get worse. Spend less time jointly with him. Spend more time separately with the kids so you can strengthen your bond with them and model healthy adult child interaction. Build your personal network of support. Invest in your career/earning power.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

So don’t. Who cares what you think?

She does. She asked for my opinion. What is your problem?

[Anonymous]

Your instinct to see a therapist soon is good. Get some help identifying what you want, what you need, what your options are, what you want for your children and how to accomplish any of it. In the meantime refrain from interacting with him on anything other than necessary and do not engage in disagreements. That's a hard habit to break but you can do it. Protect your mental health and your children from seeing this dysfunctional behavior modeled for them as what an adult marriage is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

So don’t. Who cares what you think?

She does. She asked for my opinion. What is your problem?

She asked a general question. You’re not the only one who can answer, as this thread has ably demonstrated. 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of grey-rocking abusive people you have to continue contact with on some level. Read up on it.

Grey rock him. Consult an attorney about like equity sit and child custody and support. Get into individual therapy and use that to focus on what you want your life to be like based on the assumption that this is his normal and it will stay the same or get worse. Spend less time jointly with him. Spend more time separately with the kids so you can strengthen your bond with them and model healthy adult child interaction. Build your personal network of support. Invest in your career/earning power.

I did all this plus we moved.

He is divorcing me because “no one in the house pays me any attention. Poor me.”

Yet he stopped paying attention to all of us 10+ years ago.

Anyhow, kids will continue to suffer from his odd selfish antics their whole life. One has wisened up. Other still begs for male attention from him. He laps that up, when convenient for his time and energy level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may have said some extremely patronizing things, your DH reacted negatively, and now you’re trying to crowdsource the idea that you are above reproach and he’s all to blame. Work in therapy on how you communicate with your DH and others first.

Nope, I provided no such details. I didn't write this in a way to provide "my side." I just would like you to assume what I'm telling you is true. And what do I do about it. Other than be a doormat, or leave. Starting with therapy for me.

Of course you would. But I for one am not going to take you at face value.

So don’t. Who cares what you think?

She does. She asked for my opinion. What is your problem?

Not yours Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left, but it wasn't easy. Even his family couldn't get him under control.
Are you sure he wants to be married? Are you sure he is not on spectrum?

+1. I'm 10 years post-divorce now and he's still a disregulated, occasionally explosive mess. He _still_ hasn't gone to a therapist or acknowledged that he has some sort of mental illness. And I still suspect he's also on the spectrum.

I had to get out because his awful engagement patterns were visibly affecting our grade schooler. I stayed on as long as I could, but there are some things worse than divorce and a child witnessing his father's explosive, narcissicistic rage (and thus living in fear and walking on eggshells) is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have young, dependent children, then abuse toward you affects the children as well.

Yes, so what do I do? Where do I go from here?

Therapy and an ultimatum. Divorce if necessary. My husband is like this. I swear it happens on vacation or out of sight of others in order to force me (and sadly sometimes the kids) to maintain the veil of normalcy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the word “fight” in quotation marks? A fight suggests hostilities on both sides so it would be helpful to know what YOU said and did too before accepting at face value your vague complaints about him being mean or “dysregulated” [sic].

Because it's so far out of bounds for fight in my view. It was more like an abusive emotional attack. We were having an ordinary level disagreement. I had asked if he needed a break from the kids or how I could help, before things escalated. Assume massive emotional dysregulation on his part for purposes of advice.

You ARE going to have to share details for us to assess this because right now all you are doing is offering vague descriptions of his behavior and making weird misspelled clinical diagnoses and positioning yourself as victim when there was obviously a conflict, which points to a dynamic that needs to be examined. He very well may be abusive but it’s still a dynamic and it would be useful to know what role you play in that dynamic.

What, specifically, was the “fight” about and what happened?

OP, don't engage with this poster. They are either operating out of total ignorance or bad faith.

[Anonymous]

After dealing with a lot of meanness and having a lot of therapy, I have so little tolerance for it now that I just turn on my heel and walk away from people at the first sign of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left, but it wasn't easy. Even his family couldn't get him under control.
Are you sure he wants to be married? Are you sure he is not on spectrum?

+1. I'm 10 years post-divorce now and he's still a disregulated, occasionally explosive mess. He _still_ hasn't gone to a therapist or acknowledged that he has some sort of mental illness. And I still suspect he's also on the spectrum.

I had to get out because his awful engagement patterns were visibly affecting our grade schooler. I stayed on as long as I could, but there are some things worse than divorce and a child witnessing his father's explosive, narcissicistic rage (and thus living in fear and walking on eggshells) is one of them.

What was the custody arrangement during those last 10 years?