Just got ghosted

[Anonymous]

I was married before OLD or the term “ghosting” really took off, but everyone saying how awful it is….do you actually say to people “I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for, let’s cut off communication.”??? Back when I was dating, things would sometimes sort of fizzle out and you both just sort of naturally stopped talking to each other…and then, well, message received if I was the one that was more interested, and on to the next person who thinks I’m worth it! That seems less hurtful to me then receiving some explicit proclamation of disinterest. Is the difference that the app makes that findable or seem more available, vs just being some person out there floating around in the big city who you’re unlikely to cross paths with again? Or is ghosting something else entirely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was married before OLD or the term “ghosting” really took off, but everyone saying how awful it is….do you actually say to people “I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for, let’s cut off communication.”??? Back when I was dating, things would sometimes sort of fizzle out and you both just sort of naturally stopped talking to each other…and then, well, message received if I was the one that was more interested, and on to the next person who thinks I’m worth it! That seems less hurtful to me then receiving some explicit proclamation of disinterest. Is the difference that the app makes that findable or seem more available, vs just being some person out there floating around in the big city who you’re unlikely to cross paths with again? Or is ghosting something else entirely?

I think it's because texting and social media have made everyone so much more accessible that there's an expectation that all contact warrants a response. We know with near 100% certainty that if we reach out to someone, they received the text/DM/missed call notice so the choice to not respond is intentional and, to some, that's hurtful.

[Anonymous]

OMG, that's not ghosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ghosting is so rude. I would never talk to someone again after they ghosted me.

I think that decision would have already been made for you 🙂

THANK YOU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no excessive communication or penpal behavior and we had 2 pleasant dates.

Attractive men have a pipeline of Tinder matches, and many first- and second-dates. Around one-fourth of online daters have sex on the first or second date, and around half on the third, fourth, or fifth.

https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-digital-decade-sex-c95e6fb6296b

In other words, 25% of his successful matches have already had sex by now, and another 50% have been talking, flirting, and making their interest clear. After the second date, attraction should be a foregone conclusion, and it is just a matter of comfort and logistics before physical intimacy is imminent. It sounds like he is choosing more promising opportunities because he doesn't know where he stands with you.

The ball is in your court. Text him a sexy selfie saying "thinking of you". That is what your competition probably did last week.

Men are not mind-readers. Your savvy competition kisses goodnight on the first date. She follow up quickly with a text that says she had a nice time. On the second date, she makes her interest unmistakable. You might call her an excessive communicator or a brazen hussy. He might soon call her his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no excessive communication or penpal behavior and we had 2 pleasant dates.

Attractive men have a pipeline of Tinder matches, and many first- and second-dates. Around one-fourth of online daters have sex on the first or second date, and around half on the third, fourth, or fifth.

https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-digital-decade-sex-c95e6fb6296b

In other words, 25% of his successful matches have already had sex by now, and another 50% have been talking, flirting, and making their interest clear. After the second date, attraction should be a foregone conclusion, and it is just a matter of comfort and logistics before physical intimacy is imminent. It sounds like he is choosing more promising opportunities because he doesn't know where he stands with you.

The ball is in your court. Text him a sexy selfie saying "thinking of you". That is what your competition probably did last week.

Men are not mind-readers. Your savvy competition kisses goodnight on the first date. She follow up quickly with a text that says she had a nice time. On the second date, she makes her interest unmistakable. You might call her an excessive communicator or a brazen hussy. He might soon call her his girlfriend.

As a woman I have no interest in men who sleep with 1/4 of his successful dates . Who wants to be one in line to be chosen intimately ?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, do you mean that you and he agreed to meet somewhere like a restaurant at a certain time on a certain day and then he didn't show up and refused communication?

If not, what do you mean when you say you planned a third date and then he ghosted you.

[Anonymous]

Ya'll need to toughen up when you are on line dating. Dating is about meeting a lot of people....women and men.

Also, understand there is a low barrier to entry with OLD. Someone can be in a 2 year relationship and then break up and several days later be OLD. Many of these people get back together with former boyfriends and girlfriends. You will never get the full story.

With OLD you never know where others are in the dating cycle.

Meet a lot of people. Go on a lot of dates. Have a thick skin and have low expectations.

[Anonymous]

No one owes anyone anything after two dates and no sex. No text on why someone does not want to go out with you is required, particularly after 2 dates. 6 months of dating....yes.

Date a lot of people. Have a thick skin. Have low expectations.

I'd also mix in non OLD into your life meeting men traditional ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, do you mean that you and he agreed to meet somewhere like a restaurant at a certain time on a certain day and then he didn't show up and refused communication?

If not, what do you mean when you say you planned a third date and then he ghosted you.

Women do this A Lot on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd dates.

Women will do a drive by and check out the man and drive off if they don't like the guy's looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, do you mean that you and he agreed to meet somewhere like a restaurant at a certain time on a certain day and then he didn't show up and refused communication?

If not, what do you mean when you say you planned a third date and then he ghosted you.

Women do this A Lot on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd dates.

Women will do a drive by and check out the man and drive off if they don't like the guy's looks.

You are dumb to have the first date in a restaurant or without a video call first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When this happens to me I tell myself - they had HIV or are pedophiles or serial killers and I was sparred. You were sparred.. that’s all you can think.

well, and they kind of were spared for sure if this is a person who ghosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no excessive communication or penpal behavior and we had 2 pleasant dates.

Attractive men have a pipeline of Tinder matches, and many first- and second-dates. Around one-fourth of online daters have sex on the first or second date, and around half on the third, fourth, or fifth.

https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-digital-decade-sex-c95e6fb6296b

In other words, 25% of his successful matches have already had sex by now, and another 50% have been talking, flirting, and making their interest clear. After the second date, attraction should be a foregone conclusion, and it is just a matter of comfort and logistics before physical intimacy is imminent. It sounds like he is choosing more promising opportunities because he doesn't know where he stands with you.

The ball is in your court. Text him a sexy selfie saying "thinking of you". That is what your competition probably did last week.

Men are not mind-readers. Your savvy competition kisses goodnight on the first date. She follow up quickly with a text that says she had a nice time. On the second date, she makes her interest unmistakable. You might call her an excessive communicator or a brazen hussy. He might soon call her his girlfriend.

Sure, but ONLY if OP is actually feeling it. Most women can’t fake attraction, and if OP wasn’t feeling any attraction, why would she? The whole tone of her post screams that there was zero chemistry on the dates. I’m not sure why she thought there should be a third, for herself or for him. And, I don’t think this is entirely about sex, but likely also about being just a little open and vulnerable. OP cannot expect men to ask for third dates out of some kind of duty or grim committment to the process.

[Anonymous]

Back in the old days before apps, I dated a guy once or twice. We had mutual friends and were in the same program in college.

He let me know in person that he wasn’t interested in a long relationship.

All we did was kiss once. One or two dates after seeing each other at parties and in the college program.

Now that I see how rude people are these days, I’m impressed that long ago guy took the time to treat me with kindness.

I hope you find someone good. You dodged a bullet with that rude person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you mean that you and he agreed to meet ... and then he didn't show up?

OP is ambiguous with us, and avoids "excessive communication" with dates too. Things fizzled out because playing hard-to-get is a bad strategy.

Women flake much more than men, because it is low-cost. Women just sit back and reject men until they get an offer they like. If women are tired, or there is bad weather, or they get a better offer, then they just flake or outright stand a man up.

Men must actively manage online dating, spend much more time and money, and endure much more rejection. Even on Bumble, men are the pursuers. Men must make 100 swipes to get 10 matches, and then send 10 messages to start parallel conversations to get 1 date. After wading through all the ghosts and flakes, men get accustomed to cutting their losses. They don't want to waste their time and money on unenthusiastic women when their phone is processing a fresh batch of swipes.

It is a bad equilibrium. Men get treated poorly, so they make low investment across a large number of women online. Then women get messages from losers.