Friends with exes (no kids involved)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I agree that it can be problematic with the amount of contact he was having with her, I think it's equally problematic you telling him who can and cannot be friends with.

Maybe, instead of him having to go no contact, you ask to be introduced. If they're FaceTime movie watching (that's just weird in my opinion, but whatever), ask to join and be with him on the couch. Join in group texts. If either of them waffles at that, then you've got your problem. But start treating her like you would any other friend he has, and see what happens.

It's a little complicated, but we sort of tried that. We were friends on social media and I talked to her sometimes, until she said that her boyfriend had issues with my boyfriend commenting on her social media posts, and defriended/blocked both of us. I don't even care about the social media aspect, but just the amount that they are texting. Before I said anything to him about it, it was constant, like almost daily. It was cut down but even then, who has a 3 hour phone call with a female friend, let alone an ex? Something isn't 100% kosher.

If her bf had an issue with her ex commenting on social media posts, then her bf absolutely is not okay with the three-hour marathon texting it ohine call sessions….she just keeps him in the dark about it, just as your bf is about to do ti you.
OP—when you check his phone (as I’m assuming that’s how you saw their texts before) be aware that he likely just changed her contact to a different name. Like instead of Larla, there’s a new text thread with some dude named Larlo that is actually Larla renamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.

This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.

You are the bad guy. Make a decision and move on. You are not good at this. You sound controlling and petty. Or, alternatively, get someone more compatible with your personality and levels of tolerance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even talk that much to my best friends!

I waffle back and forth, but I think I'd just break it off amicably right now. While he's doing nothing wrong, it is weird and would make me uncomfortable. And I'd be annoyed with myself for being uncomfortable and think it would cause resentment and guilt and resentment over the guilt, yada yada. I just wouldn't like myself as a person for having feelings about the situation. All that to say again, I'd just break off the relationship.

This is EXACTLY where I am. I'm having a hard time today having set the boundary yesterday. I feel like I'm the bad guy and I hate it.

It feels uncomfortable because that's not a boundary -- a boundary would be saying "if you keep chatting with her so much, I'm out". It's not saying "you have to stop all contact." That is controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

(I'm the pp who was in your boyfriend's situation with an attachment to an ex. If my now-husband had tried to control me, I would have run away. You really just need to be patient and see if he comes to you on his own.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some perspective on an issue I am having with my boyfriend of just over a year. We are both in our 30s, I am divorced and he has never been married. No kids. He is a fabulous man and I can truly see myself spending the rest of my life with him, except for one big problem: his ex girlfriend.

He and his ex were friends for many years before they dated, and the relationship lasted a year and a half. The last 4-5 months of it was long distance, and they broke up due to religious differences and incompatibility about how they might raise future children (she wanted with her religion, he wanted either no religion or for them to decide when they're older). That is all to say that their relationship didn't end due to cheating or abuse or anything.

We started dating about 6 months after they broke up, and he told me before we were exclusive that he is friends with her. At first I thought this was a green flag, that he can be mature about relationships ending, but as time went on I realized the depth of their friendship and I am not okay with it, specifically the frequency of how often they communicate. She lives halfway across the country, and they would text each other multiple times a week for a few hours at a time, with a phone call every month or so. We talked about how this made me uncomfortable and he agreed to dial back the contact significantly, to every month or so. She has not really liked that, and had been trying to ramp up communication again, including trying to convince him to do a "movie night" where they sit on the phone and watch a movie together. I told him that is inappropriate and something that people in LDRs do, not friends who have significant others.

He doesn't have a lot of friends, and says that because they were friends for a while before they dated, and there are no hard feelings between them since the break up, that I feel like he does enjoy having her as a friend. I have read their texts and the content is friendly/platonic, just way too often in my opinion. Just before christmas they were on the phone for THREE hours "catching up" despite texting weekly about mundane stuff. I almost dumped him when he told me that, and he agreed to only contact her on birthdays and holidays going forward.

I truly think he is not doing this maliciously, but that he really does value this friendship with her. I have told him I can't be in a relationship with someone that close to their ex, and so he agreed to birthday/holiday contact only.

Any thoughts? Are we doomed?

I’m on the phone with male friends for hours on a daily basis and we all text constantly and I have a group chat with some other friends that includes men and women. Completely platonic. DH is sometimes on speaker chiming in to our crazy conversations. Some of us grab lunch or dinner because we all live close by.

This woman is miles away, relax.

[Anonymous]

You’ve only known him for a year, and she’s been his friend for what sounds like a long time. In another year, the two of you may well not be together, and then he’s broken off contact with an old friend for nothing. If I were him and you asked me to go no contact, YOU are the one I’d be going no contact with, by means of a break up. Lovers are easy to find, friends much less so.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised he hasn't broken up with you yet. You sound controlling and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be too comfortable if my boyfriend was still actively communicating w/his ex.

Even on holidays, etc.

The point here is that yes, they were friends before & may be now but they also were lovers as well.
So it is just inappropriate + disrespectful of him to still be in contact w/her for that and that alone.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then if he cares about your feelings he will cut everything off completely for the sake of your happiness.

And if he does not >> then he is definitely not the right person for you. 💔

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Out of respect for my new relationship, I don’t stay in close contact with ex’s. Sure there are some that I may communicate with on holidays and an occasional random check in, but nothing beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be too comfortable if my boyfriend was still actively communicating w/his ex.

Even on holidays, etc.

The point here is that yes, they were friends before & may be now but they also were lovers as well.
So it is just inappropriate + disrespectful of him to still be in contact w/her for that and that alone.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then if he cares about your feelings he will cut everything off completely for the sake of your happiness.

And if he does not >> then he is definitely not the right person for you. 💔

Good luck.

A lot of people (men and women) like to keep hard-and-fast rules when it comes to human interactions. Many people like to find ways out of silly rules. That is part of being a human being — and liking puzzles! If you put if you put a puzzle or challenge in front in front of me —with some elusive goal, I will find a way to “solve it. “

[Anonymous]

Sorry I am using diction. ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very social/extroverted with many female friends and my only contribution here is that I would be very uncomfortable with what OP is describing. DH has an ex; he stopped contacting her once their romantic relationship was over even though they had been friends for the exact reasons everyone describes- the feelings are too complicated.

DH has a close female friend, I would say they talk 1-2x a year maximum and never text. I have never felt uncomfortable because at that frequency the other friend is not really looming over the relationship.

Yep! I have a close male friend that I talk to maybe once a year and text sporadically- not a conversation but just to say hi. I think he’s a great guy and his wife is very lucky but there are clear boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d break up with this guy. He’s prioritizing this woman’s feelings over you, and she’s nasty to you. Why stick around. If she at least liked you, I’d ask about their breakup, if they really broke up because he wouldn’t let her take kids that don’t yet exist to church, any church, then he’s abusive. I’d not want to be with someone like that. Fine to say “the people at your church act like they hate me, I don’t want our kid around that” not at all fine to say “No church until they decide”. After all, if he’s a baseball fan, he’s not going to keep his kid away from baseball until he “decides if he likes it”. Totally weird as there is a way to get out of a situation religious or otherwise if it is no longer appropriate. I’d also worry that this guy doesn’t have the skills to be in a relationship with anybody, and in time, you’ll see it, he “doesn’t know how you’ll do as a mom” he “doesn’t know if you know how to be a wife” whatever it is, there will be a reason why he just can’t marry you and it will be all your fault.
Since this woman doesn’t like you, and your boyfriend isn’t willing to end the friendship, break up with you, or convey by his actions and words that you are his prime everything, just end it. At the risk of sounding weird, think of Santa. You don’t flirt with Santa. You understand that while you may only see him once a year, Mrs Claus gets to see him all the time. You don’t even dream of trying to get Mrs Claus to go away, you treat her with the respect she deserves as Santa’s wife. I had to invoke Mrs. Claus with my kids this year, “Santa was fine with what you wanted, Mrs. Claus was not so you didn’t get it”. I have one kid who has a smart mouth and even she understood that one. Your boyfriend’s friends need to treat you like Mrs. Claus. They may be unhappy with what your boyfriend can and can’t do, but they don’t interfere with the relationship the two of you have.

this is hilarious and perceptive. you should write an advice column! the story of their breakup sounds fishy indeed. I wonder though if the religion thing was just a coverup for the real reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(I'm the pp who was in your boyfriend's situation with an attachment to an ex. If my now-husband had tried to control me, I would have run away. You really just need to be patient and see if he comes to you on his own.)

How long does she need to be patient? She’s in her 30s, probably wants to get married and have kids. I don’t see anything wrong with her trying to be upfront about things. Personally, based on my own experience with a BF’s ex who never went away, my money is on this guy still being in love with the ex and getting back together with her. OP is right to chose a quick path to figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve only known him for a year, and she’s been his friend for what sounds like a long time. In another year, the two of you may well not be together, and then he’s broken off contact with an old friend for nothing. If I were him and you asked me to go no contact, YOU are the one I’d be going no contact with, by means of a break up. Lovers are easy to find, friends much less so.

They aren’t “just friends” - that’s the problem.