Friends with exes (no kids involved)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I agree that it can be problematic with the amount of contact he was having with her, I think it's equally problematic you telling him who can and cannot be friends with.

Maybe, instead of him having to go no contact, you ask to be introduced. If they're FaceTime movie watching (that's just weird in my opinion, but whatever), ask to join and be with him on the couch. Join in group texts. If either of them waffles at that, then you've got your problem. But start treating her like you would any other friend he has, and see what happens.

It's a little complicated, but we sort of tried that. We were friends on social media and I talked to her sometimes, until she said that her boyfriend had issues with my boyfriend commenting on her social media posts, and defriended/blocked both of us. I don't even care about the social media aspect, but just the amount that they are texting. Before I said anything to him about it, it was constant, like almost daily. It was cut down but even then, who has a 3 hour phone call with a female friend, let alone an ex? Something isn't 100% kosher.

OP here, hit submit too soon. She claims her boyfriend had issues with the social media "liking" but not constant stream-of-consciousness texting at all hours? Something about it was fishy and I think she didn't like seeing us post things as a couple on social media and turned back onto texting him all the time.

[Anonymous]

So wait, her boyfriend is jealous of him, and you're jealous of her, and what a mess....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wait, her boyfriend is jealous of him, and you're jealous of her, and what a mess....

So basically OP is not the only one who sees the problem, her boyfriend too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.

PP here. The complicated part is that you have to be the one instigating this, and he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. You don’t want him to resent you over this, but you shouldn’t tolerate it either. He should realize he can’t have a friendship like that long term if he intends to be in a serious relationship.

My husband was fresh out of a long term relationship when we met. He still spoke to her often and I had to tell him it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t go no contact, but they never saw each other and speak occasionally. It sort of happened naturally as the years went by. He should want to be respectful of his current relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.

PP here. The complicated part is that you have to be the one instigating this, and he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. You don’t want him to resent you over this, but you shouldn’t tolerate it either. He should realize he can’t have a friendship like that long term if he intends to be in a serious relationship.

My husband was fresh out of a long term relationship when we met. He still spoke to her often and I had to tell him it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t go no contact, but they never saw each other and speak occasionally. It sort of happened naturally as the years went by. He should want to be respectful of his current relationship.

I feel like if he listened to me when I told him I was uncomfortable with it and put limits on their relationship organically as his choice, I wouldn’t mind that they were in occasional contact. But he obviously doesn’t have good boundaries with her, so I had to ask for the nuclear option of no contact. He did agree to no contact though.

[Anonymous]

My husband is very social/extroverted with many female friends and my only contribution here is that I would be very uncomfortable with what OP is describing. DH has an ex; he stopped contacting her once their romantic relationship was over even though they had been friends for the exact reasons everyone describes- the feelings are too complicated.

DH has a close female friend, I would say they talk 1-2x a year maximum and never text. I have never felt uncomfortable because at that frequency the other friend is not really looming over the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I was the ex once in this situation. Was super close friends with a guy but due to a myriad of factors we could not make it work romantically. We’d always take time away from each other then find our way back to each other, creep in as “friends” and be close again.

I eventually had to cut off the relationship precisely because a) I wasn’t fully emotionally available to begin a new relationship and b) our friendship was not appropriate for two people who would eventually be in other relationships, and I didn’t want to be iced out like your BF will eventually have to do when he gets serious about someone else.

Knowing how my friendship was- and what information about us that I am sure my “friend” kept from the women he dated - I would not have been comfortable being the person he was dating. I did us all a favor. You are right to be uncomfortable. He shouldn’t be texting/calling anyone that intensely/frequently, let alone an ex.

Btw, sometimes we miss each other. I know because it’s obvious when we do talk, which is rarely. We can pick up right where we left off. I have zero regrets about our relationship not working out, and am happily married now, but having that type of dynamic be a constant presence in my life now would not be a good thing for any marriage. It’s sad that we can’t be friends because we really were great friends, but that’s how it has to be.

Thank you for this. I believe there are no romantic feelings (maybe?) but its the fact that they can just pick right up again. I agree that its the stress of it constantly being in my life that is holding me back in this relationship.

PP here. The complicated part is that you have to be the one instigating this, and he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. You don’t want him to resent you over this, but you shouldn’t tolerate it either. He should realize he can’t have a friendship like that long term if he intends to be in a serious relationship.

My husband was fresh out of a long term relationship when we met. He still spoke to her often and I had to tell him it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t go no contact, but they never saw each other and speak occasionally. It sort of happened naturally as the years went by. He should want to be respectful of his current relationship. [/quote

NP. My husband had a friend who had expressed her interest in him and they remained close friends even though he told he her was not interested in her romantically. She would text at all hours but especially, somehow, when we were in bed together, like weekend mornings. She also weirdly asked me to compete with her in social situations (like trivia or singing) when my now DH, then BF was around. I asked DH to tone down the friendship and at first he didn’t see an issue but as a few weeks went by and I pointed out what she was doing, he did see it and did dial it down. I think they still email a few times a year, a decade later.

[Anonymous]

I’m good friends with an ex but would never text or chat with the frequency you describe. We check in via text maybe 1-2x/month, brief text convos, not too long. Hang out in person a few times per year (don’t live in the same town anymore), usually with my husband too. My husband is friends with him too now and I’m friends with my ex’s wife, and I think the fact that both you and the other SO have a problem with the friendship is a big red flag. Also, my ex and I didn’t talk for YEARS after our breakup and only started hanging out again once we were both happily married to other people.

[Anonymous]

I’d break up with this guy. He’s prioritizing this woman’s feelings over you, and she’s nasty to you. Why stick around. If she at least liked you, I’d ask about their breakup, if they really broke up because he wouldn’t let her take kids that don’t yet exist to church, any church, then he’s abusive. I’d not want to be with someone like that. Fine to say “the people at your church act like they hate me, I don’t want our kid around that” not at all fine to say “No church until they decide”. After all, if he’s a baseball fan, he’s not going to keep his kid away from baseball until he “decides if he likes it”. Totally weird as there is a way to get out of a situation religious or otherwise if it is no longer appropriate. I’d also worry that this guy doesn’t have the skills to be in a relationship with anybody, and in time, you’ll see it, he “doesn’t know how you’ll do as a mom” he “doesn’t know if you know how to be a wife” whatever it is, there will be a reason why he just can’t marry you and it will be all your fault.
Since this woman doesn’t like you, and your boyfriend isn’t willing to end the friendship, break up with you, or convey by his actions and words that you are his prime everything, just end it. At the risk of sounding weird, think of Santa. You don’t flirt with Santa. You understand that while you may only see him once a year, Mrs Claus gets to see him all the time. You don’t even dream of trying to get Mrs Claus to go away, you treat her with the respect she deserves as Santa’s wife. I had to invoke Mrs. Claus with my kids this year, “Santa was fine with what you wanted, Mrs. Claus was not so you didn’t get it”. I have one kid who has a smart mouth and even she understood that one. Your boyfriend’s friends need to treat you like Mrs. Claus. They may be unhappy with what your boyfriend can and can’t do, but they don’t interfere with the relationship the two of you have.

[Anonymous]

OP trust your gut.

Others will call you controlling and jealous but he is in essence having an emotional affair.

I was in this scenario when I was younger. It did not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP trust your gut.

Others will call you controlling and jealous but he is in essence having an emotional affair.

I was in this scenario when I was younger. It did not end well.

OP here, that's what I'm trying to do. I feel like we're doomed but since he agreed to cut contact with her, I'm willing to feel it out for a month or two and see if he is serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP trust your gut.

Others will call you controlling and jealous but he is in essence having an emotional affair.

I was in this scenario when I was younger. It did not end well.

OP here, that's what I'm trying to do. I feel like we're doomed but since he agreed to cut contact with her, I'm willing to feel it out for a month or two and see if he is serious.

I don't know if you are doomed. Give him a chance to separate himself from this other woman and see if you can both invest in what you have.

Been there -- and I was your boyfriend in the situation. Broke up with a long-time ex I had been good friends with before dating. We used to chat literally every day for about an hour, even when we had both started dating other people, and would meet in person about once a month for a drink.

My boyfriend and his girlfriend were always kind of sad about it, but never made demands that we stop.

Eventually I realized that I wasn't investing in my new relationship, told the ex I needed to stop chatting every day, and held to it. I still missed him but I did have the energy to pay attention to my new relationship, and actually got engaged within 6 months and have now been happily married for 15 years. Haven't seen or chatting with my ex since getting engaged (aside from very infrequent mutual facebook thumbs up for big life events.) We both ended up marrying the people that we had been with when we were chatting daily with each other.

So, here's why I think i kept talking to the old guy:
1. I knew him much better than the new boyfriend and valued that history
2. We had some old business we need to bring to closure
3. We enjoyed the intimacy of the conversation

It really wasn't malicious. Its sometimes hard to stop caring about someone just instantly... it takes a little while to ramp down.
If you really like this guy, a little patience may pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP trust your gut.

Others will call you controlling and jealous but he is in essence having an emotional affair.

I was in this scenario when I was younger. It did not end well.

OP here, that's what I'm trying to do. I feel like we're doomed but since he agreed to cut contact with her, I'm willing to feel it out for a month or two and see if he is serious.

I don't know if you are doomed. Give him a chance to separate himself from this other woman and see if you can both invest in what you have.

Been there -- and I was your boyfriend in the situation. Broke up with a long-time ex I had been good friends with before dating. We used to chat literally every day for about an hour, even when we had both started dating other people, and would meet in person about once a month for a drink.

My boyfriend and his girlfriend were always kind of sad about it, but never made demands that we stop.

Eventually I realized that I wasn't investing in my new relationship, told the ex I needed to stop chatting every day, and held to it. I still missed him but I did have the energy to pay attention to my new relationship, and actually got engaged within 6 months and have now been happily married for 15 years. Haven't seen or chatting with my ex since getting engaged (aside from very infrequent mutual facebook thumbs up for big life events.) We both ended up marrying the people that we had been with when we were chatting daily with each other.

So, here's why I think i kept talking to the old guy:
1. I knew him much better than the new boyfriend and valued that history
2. We had some old business we need to bring to closure
3. We enjoyed the intimacy of the conversation

It really wasn't malicious. Its sometimes hard to stop caring about someone just instantly... it takes a little while to ramp down.
If you really like this guy, a little patience may pay off.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think your 3 reasons why you continued talking to your ex are the exact ones he feels when talking to her. I know it's platonic but it still feels intimate and close, and I can't stand it. I spent last year trying to rationalize it and deal with it, and I'm in therapy trying to examine if there is something in me that is making me feel insecure, but my therapists, friends, and now this thread have all validated that this isn't something that is widely accepted in relationships. I feel less crazy.

[Anonymous]

The only weird thing is the movie but I kind of understand that since they don't have many friends.

Texting multiple times a week even for hours with a friend is normal especially if they live far apart.

So is sending a birthday greeting.snd holiday greeting.

I honestly think this relationship is doomed despite him agreeing to go no contact which is an inappropriate ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only weird thing is the movie but I kind of understand that since they don't have many friends.

Texting multiple times a week even for hours with a friend is normal especially if they live far apart.

So is sending a birthday greeting.snd holiday greeting.

I honestly think this relationship is doomed despite him agreeing to go no contact which is an inappropriate ask.

I think if it were any other friend it would be normal, but it's an ex girlfriend. I think the difference matters. If it started out as holiday and birthday greetings that would be one thing, but I've asked him to set boundaries with her and they are unable to maintain them. I wish I didn't have to ask him for no contact and that he would enact those boundaries himself, but here we are...

I decided to give it until the end of February and see if I can sense any resentment or weirdness. If so, then I'm out and he can have all the movie nights they want!