Who comes first: your family of origin or your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids comes first actually.
Then spouses (husband and I).
Then parents and siblings on either side.

But usually none of this is an issue, because we all agree it's the correct order of priorities.

Putting the kids first almost never works.

It works if your partner is on the same page. This is very common among Jews, and it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids comes first actually.
Then spouses (husband and I).
Then parents and siblings on either side.

But usually none of this is an issue, because we all agree it's the correct order of priorities.

Putting the kids first almost never works.

It works if your partner is on the same page. This is very common among Jews, and it works.

It works when the DH isn't a petulant man baby.

[Anonymous]

I would say we put each other first, but we see this as benefiting the kids. Because what we really believe is that staying married is one of the best things we can do for our kids. We have a child with profound special needs who requires 24/7 care. Divorce rates are astronomically high in our situation. We are lucky we can afford help, and we use that time to do dates and one vacation a year. We love each other, but our situation is heartbreaking and the level of care we have to provide every day is backbreaking. Imagine taking care of an elderly parent who needs help with toileting, feeding, dressing, etc for more than 20 years. That is what we will do until we find a facility. Being able to still like each other through all this pain is a priority.

I’m sure people who see us leave our child “with strangers” when that child cannot communicate anything to us may judge us. We don’t care. And those “strangers” sometimes become like family to us over the many years.

[Anonymous]

My EX loved to tell me “blood is thicker than water” Glad I left that situation and married a decent man who wants to put our family first always.

[Anonymous]

Weird question, why am I choosing?

[Anonymous]

Spouse. Unless a health emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family of origin- the love there is unconditional.

We're not talking about dogs here.

Read through this forum and see what kind of unreasonable demands family members make on each other and the games that they play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to imagine a situation in which I would need to pick one over the other in such a black and white way, and I can’t.

Lucky you. My spouse and my parents do not always see eye to eye in every situation.

So give me a couple of examples.

My mom doesn’t think my husband parented our children in the correct way. My dad thinks DH should have offered to pay for xyz.

I always take my spouse’s side. I might talk to him about it privately later, but in the moment, I’m team spouse.

[Anonymous]

Spouse, always. Always.

If you have a functional family of origin, the right spouse will support you in supporting them, so they shouldn't be in conflict. A functional family of origin will not ask you to prioritize them over your spouse, children, or self, anyway. But if they have needs or need support, a functional spouse will help with that.

If you come from a dysfunctional family of origin (I do) who often demand that you prioritize them over your spouse, your kids, your job, your own mental well being? Then your spouse can be your best support in standing up to them and also providing you with a safe place to land when they try to punish you for not bending to their will.

But spouse is the partner either way. They can help you help your family, and they can help you stand up to your family. They must come first and you have to protect that bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the situation really. I mean, if you have a planned date night w/your husband, but your mom needs to go to the hospital... Depends on the situation.

Thank you. I am not sure how anyone can make a choice without knowing the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes me sad is to realize that someday I will not be a priority for my kids. I know it’s supposed to be that way but it still makes me sad. I guess ultimately it should be you and your spouse. My parents certainly don’t prioritize me. I hope I’m a bit different than my parents when my children are adults.

I would dig deeper because I think this is a fixable situation in subsequent generations.

My parents didn't prioritize me or my siblings when we were children, because they had also not been prioritized as children. In fact they often leaned on just to meet their emotional needs. It made for a lonely, sad childhood, and I've never felt loved or protected as a person.

But I unpacked this and as an adult, I've worked hard to learn to love and protect myself, and my DH and I have worked to create a loving and supportive marriage for each other. A foundational goal for me is to never lean on my own children for emotional support, and instead to model functional adult relationships, both with myself and with my husband.

And really, it's mostly worked. And even though we never ask our kids to support us emotionally, by growing up in a family where they were always supported, and by seeing DH and I support each other, my kids have simply learned to do this anyway. I don't ask it of them, but they are kind and loving and supportive towards us and I don't think that will change when they get married. We will love and support them in their marriages and if they have kids, we will love and support their kids. And I think this will create space for them to love and support us as well. Not financially, but just as people.

I just think growing up in dysfunctional families, we miss out on seeing how a family can function in ways where everyone wins. But in a functional family, everyone wins. You don't have to be competing for emotional resources. Everyone develops emotional maturity and is able to give emotionally, and also receive emotionally in healthy ways, and that leads to a surplus of love and support that everyone can access. At least that has been my experience. It is hard work, especially coming from a dysfunctional family which means I have had to do this without the benefit of a healthy childhood or supportive parents or siblings. But it is possible, with resources like therapy and building some community around yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the situation really. I mean, if you have a planned date night w/your husband, but your mom needs to go to the hospital... Depends on the situation.

Agree. Emergencies set their own priorities, age and care needs (think elderly and babies) have priorities, mental health, physical health, etc., may take precedence at any given time.

It's not a one-rule-fits-all decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids comes first actually.
Then spouses (husband and I).
Then parents and siblings on either side.

But usually none of this is an issue, because we all agree it's the correct order of priorities.

Putting the kids first almost never works.

It works if your partner is on the same page. This is very common among Jews, and it works.

It works when the DH isn't a petulant man baby.

+100

[Anonymous]

For women, family of origin comes first (after kids, actually). For men, spouse comes first.

As a life insurance broker, I’ve seen this firsthand. When I meet with the wife, a significant fraction of the time she will list her kids as the beneficiaries on her policy but will make sure I list *her* as the beneficiary on the husband's policy. The husband always signs off on his policy, not knowing that he is not the beneficiary of her policy. On the other hand, when I speak to a husband, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS requests his wife be the beneficiary and vice versa.

Men, always sleep with one eye open if you decide to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For women, family of origin comes first (after kids, actually). For men, spouse comes first.

As a life insurance broker, I’ve seen this firsthand. When I meet with the wife, a significant fraction of the time she will list her kids as the beneficiaries on her policy but will make sure I list *her* as the beneficiary on the husband's policy. The husband always signs off on his policy, not knowing that he is not the beneficiary of her policy. On the other hand, when I speak to a husband, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS requests his wife be the beneficiary and vice versa.

Men, always sleep with one eye open if you decide to get married.

Ha, you know why this is? Because women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death. Because men remarry and then put the 2nd wife above the kids.