Reply to Who comes first: your family of origin or your spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What makes me sad is to realize that someday I will not be a priority for my kids. I know it’s supposed to be that way but it still makes me sad. I guess ultimately it should be you and your spouse. My parents certainly don’t prioritize me. I hope I’m a bit different than my parents when my children are adults. [/quote]

I would dig deeper because I think this is a fixable situation in subsequent generations.

My parents didn't prioritize me or my siblings when we were children, because they had also not been prioritized as children. In fact they often leaned on just to meet their emotional needs. It made for a lonely, sad childhood, and I've never felt loved or protected as a person.

But I unpacked this and as an adult, I've worked hard to learn to love and protect myself, and my DH and I have worked to create a loving and supportive marriage for each other. A foundational goal for me is to never lean on my own children for emotional support, and instead to model functional adult relationships, both with myself and with my husband.

And really, it's mostly worked. And even though we never ask our kids to support us emotionally, by growing up in a family where they were always supported, and by seeing DH and I support each other, my kids have simply learned to do this anyway. I don't ask it of them, but they are kind and loving and supportive towards us and I don't think that will change when they get married. We will love and support them in their marriages and if they have kids, we will love and support their kids. And I think this will create space for them to love and support us as well. Not financially, but just as people.

I just think growing up in dysfunctional families, we miss out on seeing how a family can function in ways where everyone wins. But in a functional family, everyone wins. You don't have to be competing for emotional resources. Everyone develops emotional maturity and is able to give emotionally, and also receive emotionally in healthy ways, and that leads to a surplus of love and support that everyone can access. At least that has been my experience. It is hard work, especially coming from a dysfunctional family which means I have had to do this without the benefit of a healthy childhood or supportive parents or siblings. But it is possible, with resources like therapy and building some community around yourself.[/quote]

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