Who comes first: your family of origin or your spouse?

[Anonymous]

What a weird question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For women, family of origin comes first (after kids, actually). For men, spouse comes first.

As a life insurance broker, I’ve seen this firsthand. When I meet with the wife, a significant fraction of the time she will list her kids as the beneficiaries on her policy but will make sure I list *her* as the beneficiary on the husband's policy. The husband always signs off on his policy, not knowing that he is not the beneficiary of her policy. On the other hand, when I speak to a husband, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS requests his wife be the beneficiary and vice versa.

Men, always sleep with one eye open if you decide to get married.

Where does the family of origin come into this?

Maybe the wife figures the husband will maintain a high income if she dies, while the husband wants the wife to maintain a home for the kids even if she's not working.

[Anonymous]

Impossible to tell without context. In general this kind of choice only comes up in a truly tough situation, like a parent that needs significant support, or if one of the parties is an extreme boundary-crosser with a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to imagine a situation in which I would need to pick one over the other in such a black and white way, and I can’t.

Lucky you. My spouse and my parents do not always see eye to eye in every situation.

So give me a couple of examples.

My mom doesn’t think my husband parented our children in the correct way. My dad thinks DH should have offered to pay for xyz.

I always take my spouse’s side. I might talk to him about it privately later, but in the moment, I’m team spouse.

This is really trivial. If your spouse actually did make a decision you disagree with, it’s not betraying your wedding vows or “putting your family of origin above your spouse” to admit that to your parents. I guess if it’s a constant pattern, that’s an issue. But marriage vows don’t include “never criticize spouse.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids comes first actually.
Then spouses (husband and I).
Then parents and siblings on either side.

But usually none of this is an issue, because we all agree it's the correct order of priorities.

Putting the kids first almost never works.

It works if your partner is on the same page. This is very common among Jews, and it works.

It works when the DH isn't a petulant man baby.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For women, family of origin comes first (after kids, actually). For men, spouse comes first.

As a life insurance broker, I’ve seen this firsthand. When I meet with the wife, a significant fraction of the time she will list her kids as the beneficiaries on her policy but will make sure I list *her* as the beneficiary on the husband's policy. The husband always signs off on his policy, not knowing that he is not the beneficiary of her policy. On the other hand, when I speak to a husband, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS requests his wife be the beneficiary and vice versa.

Men, always sleep with one eye open if you decide to get married.

Ha, you know why this is? Because women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death. Because men remarry and then put the 2nd wife above the kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Spouse

[Anonymous]

^but my family of origin is absolute garbage

[Anonymous]

Ha, you know why this is? Because women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death. Because men remarry and then put the 2nd wife above the kids.

Wut.

How do you know that "women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death"? The men I know in second marriages spent (and continue to spend) a great deal of time protecting the interests of their children from their first marriage.

You need support for a stupid statement like this one. Try thinking about this the next time you blow something out of your ass and put it in a thread.

[Anonymous]

If you don't say your spouse, your marriage is in trouble.

But, it depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Spouse always. I say its us against the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to imagine a situation in which I would need to pick one over the other in such a black and white way, and I can’t.

Lucky you. My spouse and my parents do not always see eye to eye in every situation.

So give me a couple of examples.

My mom doesn’t think my husband parented our children in the correct way. My dad thinks DH should have offered to pay for xyz.

I always take my spouse’s side. I might talk to him about it privately later, but in the moment, I’m team spouse.

This is really trivial. If your spouse actually did make a decision you disagree with, it’s not betraying your wedding vows or “putting your family of origin above your spouse” to admit that to your parents. I guess if it’s a constant pattern, that’s an issue. But marriage vows don’t include “never criticize spouse.”

Somehow, in the moment of the disagreement, it feels like I am being asked to choose one side or the other.

And I would say that not criticizing your spouse to your parents (especially in front of your children) is implicit in your marriage vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ha, you know why this is? Because women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death. Because men remarry and then put the 2nd wife above the kids.

Wut.

How do you know that "women reasonably believe that their husband will not adequately protect the kids in the event of her death"? The men I know in second marriages spent (and continue to spend) a great deal of time protecting the interests of their children from their first marriage.

You need support for a stupid statement like this one. Try thinking about this the next time you blow something out of your ass and put it in a thread.

Yeah. You’re a guy who regularly lurks on the relationship section of a mommy message board. You and your friends are in the minority of men, my friend.