I think my child has a personality disorder and it’s getting worse

[Anonymous]

NP here. I basically could’ve written this post about my own daughter (who is only a year older than yours). Almost everything that you stated in your post (minus the divorce and difficult wife) applies to my DD as well, and my DD has also (unsuccessfully) been in a variety of partial hospitalization programs for suicidal ideation.

A couple of months ago, her current therapist dumped her and referred her to a group of psychologists in NYC who specialize in personality disorders. We had to drive DD three hours to Manhattan to get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline symptoms (so basically a combination of being a narcissist and having Borderline Personality Disorder).

She has improved with Transference Focused Psychotherapy (which is a very specialized form of therapy that’s basically the only proven therapy for narcissists), but she still faces difficulties.

OP, I get how hard it is. If you don’t have the means to drive to NYC to get your daughter a personality diagnosis, I would recommend reading the book “Transference Focused Psychotherapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It was written by a psychologist who was part of the team who diagnosed DD, but it explains the disorder extremely well and outlines a path for treatment.


The book gives several case studies, and one of them in particular was almost exactly the situation DD was in.

Best of luck in either case, OP. It’s extremely painful being in this situation.

Would you please provide the name of this practice? Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. I basically could’ve written this post about my own daughter (who is only a year older than yours). Almost everything that you stated in your post (minus the divorce and difficult wife) applies to my DD as well, and my DD has also (unsuccessfully) been in a variety of partial hospitalization programs for suicidal ideation.

A couple of months ago, her current therapist dumped her and referred her to a group of psychologists in NYC who specialize in personality disorders. We had to drive DD three hours to Manhattan to get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline symptoms (so basically a combination of being a narcissist and having Borderline Personality Disorder).

She has improved with Transference Focused Psychotherapy (which is a very specialized form of therapy that’s basically the only proven therapy for narcissists), but she still faces difficulties.

OP, I get how hard it is. If you don’t have the means to drive to NYC to get your daughter a personality diagnosis, I would recommend reading the book “Transference Focused Psychotherapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It was written by a psychologist who was part of the team who diagnosed DD, but it explains the disorder extremely well and outlines a path for treatment.


The book gives several case studies, and one of them in particular was almost exactly the situation DD was in.

Best of luck in either case, OP. It’s extremely painful being in this situation.

Would you please provide the name of this practice? Thank you!

PP here. It’s the Personality Disorders Institute at Weil Cornell. I believe in NYC Columbia also runs a program for NPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no cure for a personality disorder. They will always be the victim and therapy won't help. You maintain a relationship by keeping your distance. Her dumpster fire of a life isn't your problem.

+100

As painful as it is, OP, you need to distance yourself from your child ASAP. I know it’s difficult — but it’s necessary to keep your own peace.

-BTDT (my oldest has both BPD and NPD)

+1,000,000. It cannot be repeated enough: by definition, a personality disorder is a problem you cannot fix. And if you reinforce the dysfunction by doing what innumerable parents of damaged/dysfunctional and/or severely disabled children do which is to make the damaged/dysfunctional child your focus and value whatever crumbs you get from her over the authentic connection you have with your healthy daughter, you will damage the latter too. So buck the trend: put your energy into your relationship with your healthy daughter.

[Anonymous]

At this point honestly I would just do damage control and try to shield the healthy sibling. You are paying for her therapy and there is little else you can do.
I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

+100

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar situation with our 21 year old. The negative behaviors have been escalating to the point that it’s untenable for AC to be in our home with us and teenage siblings for more than a couple days during college breaks. The volatility, rage, and complete lack of accountability is disturbing and exhausting. AC is seeing a therapist and taking medication, but we are not seeing much improvement. DBT has been recommended. Can anyone share if this has been successful?

[Anonymous]

Already shared that it was unsuccessful for my autistic trait adhd anxious and depressed child. This was a teen program though. Maybe an adult program would be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"DD has experienced no abandonment in her life ..."

"Her mother was similar, which is one reason we finally divorced, and while she chose to live with me in MS and HS, the Deja vu of walking on eggshells "

I think you are interpreting abandonment too narrowly, and I'm not just referring to the divorce.

One hundred percent. This kid experienced capital-T Trauma and it is not mysterious that she is having this kind of struggle.

That said, borderline personality is not *caused* by abandonment. People with borderline personality disorder are highly sensitized to abandonment, and they often perceive it where it isn’t intended and/or where others would not. But this only makes your comment more of a non sequitur, OP.

No. You are totally wrong. Tons of people have divorced parents. Most of them don’t end up with personality disorders.

She lived with a highly symptomatic mentally ill parent. That is an adverse childhood experience, and ACEs are associated with this kind of outcome. Divorce is also an adverse childhood experience (though of course it’s sometimes necessary).

There is a cumulative effect from ACEs and a protective effect from some things this person doesn’t seem to have experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no cure for a personality disorder. They will always be the victim and therapy won't help. You maintain a relationship by keeping your distance. Her dumpster fire of a life isn't your problem.

This isn’t true. People with BPD diagnoses can stop meeting the criteria, permanently, if they get good treatment.

[Anonymous]

You have an estranged relationship with the mother and your former spouse. Your initial post did not reflect or emphasize any of your actions. The only one I can remember was financial support and housing in younger years (both to be highly commended). Just pointing this out in case it’s illuminating.

[Anonymous]

Get her through college and then be done with her. Tell her to go to her mother, you’ve done more than enough..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her through college and then be done with her. Tell her to go to her mother, you’ve done more than enough..

Some of you are really cold. Cut them off! is your stock response to everything. Sure, that will help a child who's struggling emotionally. Better to set firm boundaries and expectations, and engage when she meets these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no cure for a personality disorder. They will always be the victim and therapy won't help. You maintain a relationship by keeping your distance. Her dumpster fire of a life isn't your problem.

This isn’t true. People with BPD diagnoses can stop meeting the criteria, permanently, if they get good treatment.

There is good treatment for personality disorders but the person must be an active participant in the therapy. Saying there is no treatment is simply untrue.

[Anonymous]

All the therapists I know are enablers. It's just too easy to get money to repeat back what someone wants to hear. There are no measurements for improvement and just basically therapy doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"DD has experienced no abandonment in her life ..."

"Her mother was similar, which is one reason we finally divorced, and while she chose to live with me in MS and HS, the Deja vu of walking on eggshells "

I think you are interpreting abandonment too narrowly, and I'm not just referring to the divorce.

One hundred percent. This kid experienced capital-T Trauma and it is not mysterious that she is having this kind of struggle.

That said, borderline personality is not *caused* by abandonment. People with borderline personality disorder are highly sensitized to abandonment, and they often perceive it where it isn’t intended and/or where others would not. But this only makes your comment more of a non sequitur, OP.

No. You are totally wrong. Tons of people have divorced parents. Most of them don’t end up with personality disorders.

She lived with a highly symptomatic mentally ill parent. That is an adverse childhood experience, and ACEs are associated with this kind of outcome. Divorce is also an adverse childhood experience (though of course it’s sometimes necessary).

There is a cumulative effect from ACEs and a protective effect from some things this person doesn’t seem to have experienced.

DP. What's an ACE? From context it seems to be diagnoses, but is it a certain type of diagnosis?