I think my child has a personality disorder and it’s getting worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this type of personality is often a result of at least one parent being very inconsistent in their parenting style, especially including giving and withholding love and attention, so that the child is always uncertain and confused as to what they have to do or not do, say or not say, to get the parent's approval and love. It also involves them walking on eggshells all the time trying not to inflame the confusing parent. Would this be anything like the parenting your daughter got from her mother? If so, the results are very long lasting, possibly permanent, and very difficult to correct even with great therapy and full compliance with the therapists treatment.

You're talking about the classic explanation for insecure attachment, which is believed to lead to narcissistic personality disorders. I think the current generation of teens/young adults has been trained to believe that their parents' job is to make them happy and that if they are not happy, then their parents are defective. It's not unusual for therapists and advice columnists to advise young adults to cut off contact if they feel discomfort around their parents. Read The Coddling of the American Mind.

So you resurrected an 8 month old thread to toss out your pearls of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

I know this thread is 2 years old, but I still want to comment FWIW. I'm getting the sense that your daughter has repressed anger or grief from some kind of trauma. It definitely could be from the divorce, or it could be something else. The cold abrasive attitude is a protective measure. She probably got hurt being vulnerable when she was young. That's why she tries to act tough and doesn't let people get close. (And/or healthy social skills weren't modeled to her at a critical developmental age.) I would want to get to what her core wound is and go from there. I don't think you or her mom will be the person to break her shell. I think it would be someone new.

Controversial, I know, but I honestly think spiritual-based or holistic healing services can be great. They're usually just one or a few times instead of weekly for years on end. I've made tremendous progress for my CTPSD healing with a family tree based healer and a reiki practitioner. They are in Chile though, so their names and contact probably wouldn't be relevant.

If your daughter doesn't want to work with you or your ex-wife, I'd say give her space. She is now an adult and maybe wants more independence anyways. Hoping for the best outcome for her, but you have to remember that SHE needs to admit to her problems and want to get better. Don't wear yourself out over a problematic person who won't change. I know it's hard as hell when it's your own kid though.

[Anonymous]

Young adults with similar issues benefit from finding something that makes them feel good about themselves. Help her find a job that she can have an impact on something—could be camp counselor, clearing park trails, whatever. She needs a positive external source of self esteem. Therapy won’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist.

This an possible BPD, but it doesn't matter much if she won't take meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a narcissist.

This an possible BPD, but it doesn't matter much if she won't take meds.

The best treatment for BPD is not meds but either DBT or Mentalization therapy.

Only problem is convincing the BPD person they need help.