I think my child has a personality disorder and it’s getting worse

[Anonymous]

Do you have a therapist? Because I think you could use one. You clearly dislike your daughter due to the ways in which she reminds you of her mother. You also speak of her with a fair amount of contempt. I think it’s tough to sort out actual mental illness from those issues.

Now that she’s 21, you aren’t going to be able to influence treatment the way you could when she was younger. A therapist could help you set appropriate boundaries and explore the ways in which her behavior triggers your issues. you’d be in a better position to help her if you weren’t going right into “ this is just like living with Margaret” mode.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I basically could’ve written this post about my own daughter (who is only a year older than yours). Almost everything that you stated in your post (minus the divorce and difficult wife) applies to my DD as well, and my DD has also (unsuccessfully) been in a variety of partial hospitalization programs for suicidal ideation.

A couple of months ago, her current therapist dumped her and referred her to a group of psychologists in NYC who specialize in personality disorders. We had to drive DD three hours to Manhattan to get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline symptoms (so basically a combination of being a narcissist and having Borderline Personality Disorder).

She has improved with Transference Focused Psychotherapy (which is a very specialized form of therapy that’s basically the only proven therapy for narcissists), but she still faces difficulties.

OP, I get how hard it is. If you don’t have the means to drive to NYC to get your daughter a personality diagnosis, I would recommend reading the book “Transference Focused Psychotherapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It was written by a psychologist who was part of the team who diagnosed DD, but it explains the disorder extremely well and outlines a path for treatment.


The book gives several case studies, and one of them in particular was almost exactly the situation DD was in.

Best of luck in either case, OP. It’s extremely painful being in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should take a DBT class for parents or join a DBT support group for family members. A lot of what they teach is how to deal with a family member with a personality disorder in a way that helps them rather than making them worse.

This. NAMI also offers family support groups if having an ongoing outlet after DBT would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, be sure that your other child is getting support from a professional with experience with personality disorders. Even with treatment, your older daughter may not change much, protect your other child.

[Anonymous]

Offer to do family therapy with her. It doesn’t hurt to try.

[Anonymous]

So, all the women in your life are diagnosable (by you!) and difficult. You poor thing. I’m sure you’re a model of maturity and mental health, no chance the problem could be you.

[Anonymous]

It's exhausting to be with immature people who can't even admit their inadequacies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DD has experienced no abandonment in her life ..."

"Her mother was similar, which is one reason we finally divorced, and while she chose to live with me in MS and HS, the Deja vu of walking on eggshells "

I think you are interpreting abandonment too narrowly, and I'm not just referring to the divorce.

So you suspect borderline? Serious question. I have wondered about this too. She seems to straddle the traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should take a DBT class for parents or join a DBT support group for family members. A lot of what they teach is how to deal with a family member with a personality disorder in a way that helps them rather than making them worse.

Thanks, I didn’t know this was a thing…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I basically could’ve written this post about my own daughter (who is only a year older than yours). Almost everything that you stated in your post (minus the divorce and difficult wife) applies to my DD as well, and my DD has also (unsuccessfully) been in a variety of partial hospitalization programs for suicidal ideation.

A couple of months ago, her current therapist dumped her and referred her to a group of psychologists in NYC who specialize in personality disorders. We had to drive DD three hours to Manhattan to get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline symptoms (so basically a combination of being a narcissist and having Borderline Personality Disorder).

She has improved with Transference Focused Psychotherapy (which is a very specialized form of therapy that’s basically the only proven therapy for narcissists), but she still faces difficulties.

OP, I get how hard it is. If you don’t have the means to drive to NYC to get your daughter a personality diagnosis, I would recommend reading the book “Transference Focused Psychotherapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It was written by a psychologist who was part of the team who diagnosed DD, but it explains the disorder extremely well and outlines a path for treatment.


The book gives several case studies, and one of them in particular was almost exactly the situation DD was in.

Best of luck in either case, OP. It’s extremely painful being in this situation.

I’m not sure she would even get into the car to go…

At the moment she’s just moping around the house. So there’s an element of depression.

She does things like complain that there’s cat vomit on the rug (that I hadn’t seen since it was in a room I don’t use often and I haven’t cleaned it in a week). Instead of cleaning it up, she just points it out. The other morning the first thing she did was complain her head hurt and then said I should clean some brush off the top of the shed. The next time I saw her she demanded food.

I’m basically just smiling and saying ok a lot and going about my day. Sure, I’ll clean the brush off the shed when I get to it. I will make her food if she asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, all the women in your life are diagnosable (by you!) and difficult. You poor thing. I’m sure you’re a model of maturity and mental health, no chance the problem could be you.

Do you have something helpful to offer or do you just want to be nasty?

[Anonymous]

Stop being so accommodating. Establish strict rules and boundaries. Make her do chores. She needs structure.
So she gets mad. Let her be mad. Actions need to have consequences.
Stop smiling and nodding. That is the path of least resistance leading nowhere.
Do you have any bargaining chips to get her to the psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I basically could’ve written this post about my own daughter (who is only a year older than yours). Almost everything that you stated in your post (minus the divorce and difficult wife) applies to my DD as well, and my DD has also (unsuccessfully) been in a variety of partial hospitalization programs for suicidal ideation.

A couple of months ago, her current therapist dumped her and referred her to a group of psychologists in NYC who specialize in personality disorders. We had to drive DD three hours to Manhattan to get diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline symptoms (so basically a combination of being a narcissist and having Borderline Personality Disorder).

She has improved with Transference Focused Psychotherapy (which is a very specialized form of therapy that’s basically the only proven therapy for narcissists), but she still faces difficulties.

OP, I get how hard it is. If you don’t have the means to drive to NYC to get your daughter a personality diagnosis, I would recommend reading the book “Transference Focused Psychotherapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It was written by a psychologist who was part of the team who diagnosed DD, but it explains the disorder extremely well and outlines a path for treatment.


The book gives several case studies, and one of them in particular was almost exactly the situation DD was in.

Best of luck in either case, OP. It’s extremely painful being in this situation.

I’m not sure she would even get into the car to go…

At the moment she’s just moping around the house. So there’s an element of depression.

She does things like complain that there’s cat vomit on the rug (that I hadn’t seen since it was in a room I don’t use often and I haven’t cleaned it in a week). Instead of cleaning it up, she just points it out. The other morning the first thing she did was complain her head hurt and then said I should clean some brush off the top of the shed. The next time I saw her she demanded food.

I’m basically just smiling and saying ok a lot and going about my day. Sure, I’ll clean the brush off the shed when I get to it. I will make her food if she asks.

These are bipolar symptoms. I get told this kind of stuff all the time by bipolar sibling. It is not classic mania or classic depression but one of the symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, all the women in your life are diagnosable (by you!) and difficult. You poor thing. I’m sure you’re a model of maturity and mental health, no chance the problem could be you.

Do you have something helpful to offer or do you just want to be nasty?

Agree, OP, ignore the prior, prior poster. It is exceptionally difficult to live with a bipolar spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being so accommodating. Establish strict rules and boundaries. Make her do chores. She needs structure.
So she gets mad. Let her be mad. Actions need to have consequences.
Stop smiling and nodding. That is the path of least resistance leading nowhere.
Do you have any bargaining chips to get her to the psychiatrist?

Disagree with this poster. The smiling and nodding is okay when you are dealing with mental illness in someone.