should i up my tiger mom game?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s a donut hole?

google it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does a very good school mean to your son? The very top schools don't offer merit aid-- does that mean they are not options? Ron Lieber, The Price You Pay For College, may be a good read. He encourages parents to have frank convos with their kids... it's not about being a tiger mom, but you can be honest about how academic performance can be tied to aid offers, and what your hopes/expectations are. Best of luck.

+100. This. If getting merit to your flagship is needed, that is one thing. If you are saying getting 20-30K in merit to a private college and you can pay 40-50K, likely they have to be willing to go a tier down in prestige and watch friends apply ED to schools that are either need-based only aid and/or take a large percentage in ED and be fine that they can’t go that route despite having great grades.

+1. First of all most flagships don't give merit because the tuition is already discounted for residents. If you want merit, as the PP says, you have to drop down in expectations because top tier schools don't give it because they don't have to. OP, you need to read more and learn about the process. One just doesn't say "we need merit" and hope for the moon. There are strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. Very good student, does all his work with no parental involvement, currently getting all As and a high B in AP US history with minimal effort, plus ~2hrs of intense practice for his sport a day.
Generally we've been pretty hands off. We expect him to put in effort in school, exposed him to a lot in childhood, but did not really push hard on any academic enrichment or even monitor homework. He goes to public school. Participating in the intense sport is 100% his choosing - he may or may end up good enough, or interested enough, to participate in college. Otherwise he's a pretty ordinary kid with a good group of friends.

I'm wondering if, now that he's in high school, we should up our game. We're a donut hole family, so ultimately, where he goes to college will depend on aid offers, and while DH and I are of the mind that he is likely to be successful wherever he ends up, DS himself is focused on going to a very good school. If we doubled down, hired a tutor, or just did extensive review with him before those AP history tests, I'm pretty sure that high B in his AP class could be an A. I just don't know if that's worth it, and this college game is all new to me.

I feel this trade off between helping him get into the best school possible, but with a load of perhaps unnecessary stress and parental involvement, and letting him continue to be the one in the drivers seat and modeling balance instead of achieve-at-all-costs. Curious what those who have been through the college process think.

and just how are you going to afford that? USC is now $92K a year,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked my kids how involved they wanted me to be. It was a giant range. And it was part of a college conversation that included money, showing them the 529 statements, who Princeton can be cheaper than BC for people like us - but a little step down from BC can be affordable too. It was college 101 the summer before 9th.

Both kids asked me to be a little involved, mostly boiling down to not harassing them about grades (it's a really hard high school) but getting information about summer programs. Etc.

IOW, I'd ask the kid

This sounds like us. Same for money talk and similar financial situation. DD had to realize that we could afford the top tier sister was at (great endowment and need based aid) but maybe not the next step down (need based with lesser endowment/aid) and definitely not the next down (where need aid is below our income level) w/o merit aid. And I explained that our flagship (UMDCP) was now way more competitive, so I was like take the wheel and drive this or start loving Towson and UMBC. Both fine choices.
I helped her brainstorm ideas of what she might like to try and research different opportunities. Finding things she was genuinely interested in made her in control and gave her a more vested interest. And, the mix makes her an interesting candidate! But, I do a lot of leg work finding workshops, volunteer opps, competitions etc.
I do think a little tutoring to maintain great grades is a worthwhile investment. GPA alone won't earn admission, but it is the base component.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. Very good student, does all his work with no parental involvement, currently getting all As and a high B in AP US history with minimal effort, plus ~2hrs of intense practice for his sport a day.
Generally we've been pretty hands off. We expect him to put in effort in school, exposed him to a lot in childhood, but did not really push hard on any academic enrichment or even monitor homework. He goes to public school. Participating in the intense sport is 100% his choosing - he may or may end up good enough, or interested enough, to participate in college. Otherwise he's a pretty ordinary kid with a good group of friends.

I'm wondering if, now that he's in high school, we should up our game. We're a donut hole family, so ultimately, where he goes to college will depend on aid offers, and while DH and I are of the mind that he is likely to be successful wherever he ends up, DS himself is focused on going to a very good school. If we doubled down, hired a tutor, or just did extensive review with him before those AP history tests, I'm pretty sure that high B in his AP class could be an A. I just don't know if that's worth it, and this college game is all new to me.

I feel this trade off between helping him get into the best school possible, but with a load of perhaps unnecessary stress and parental involvement, and letting him continue to be the one in the drivers seat and modeling balance instead of achieve-at-all-costs. Curious what those who have been through the college process think.

and just how are you going to afford that? USC is now $92K a year,

My kid became national merit finalist and got 50% tuition scholarship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "tiger mom" parenting is not the same as "successful Asian parenting" where you encourage maximizing one's potential.

Your kid seems to be already pushing himself to be the best, so you don't need to do much here. If you want to mess him up, then take up "tiger mom" techniques. But if you want him to make the most of himself, then just be supportive.

Why is the word "Asian" necessary in your first sentence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a Tiger Parent, but do consider As to be expected. My son, who has learning disabilities but is a methodical, hard-working person, had straight As in most of his dozen APs and other courses taking in high school. He had tutors for some subjects, which I consider part of a normal education (my mother and siblings had governesses and tutors at home, why not this generation of kids?).

Please retire the Tiger Parent concept and parent according to your lights and the kid you have.

Really??? Are you from the US? Growing up I never knew anyone with a tutor who didn't have severe academic issues and I only heard about governesses in books.

PP you replied to. I am European and I am indeed talking about a real governess, one who teaches and lives with the family. And my dear PP. Parents who can afford it hire tutors for their kids as early as elementary school, for remedial and enrichment purposes. Today, in the DC area.

But if you have a good school and engaged parents, it should not be necessary.

Unless you are trying to gain some advantage (that is not available to most others), that won't be evident from the kid's school record is reviewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a Tiger Parent, but do consider As to be expected. My son, who has learning disabilities but is a methodical, hard-working person, had straight As in most of his dozen APs and other courses taking in high school. He had tutors for some subjects, which I consider part of a normal education (my mother and siblings had governesses and tutors at home, why not this generation of kids?).

Please retire the Tiger Parent concept and parent according to your lights and the kid you have.

Are you as unrealistic on yourself as you are on your son? Are you perfect? Do you expect As at any cost? ie he cheats to get the A but, he doesn't know the material. But, hey he got his A!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s a donut hole?

A middle-class family that is too rich for financial aid (earns > $100k) and too poor to pay full-price (i.e. 80k+/year)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "tiger mom" parenting is not the same as "successful Asian parenting" where you encourage maximizing one's potential.

Your kid seems to be already pushing himself to be the best, so you don't need to do much here. If you want to mess him up, then take up "tiger mom" techniques. But if you want him to make the most of himself, then just be supportive.

Why is the word "Asian" necessary in your first sentence?

Because "tiger mom" originally referred to Asian parenting. Look it up.

[Anonymous]

Can your son mentally handle intense parental pressure? My kids would have offed themselves with the tiger mom approach. I say this with all seriousness.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to be competitive for a top 20 university, he should aim for an A in APUSH, even during freshman year. He will be competing with dozens of kids at his school who have very close to 4.0s including a bunch of AP courses by senior year.

It sounds like you are in MCPS and if that's the case, he has another chance to bring his grade to an A since an A in second quarter will become an A for the semester.

My kids have all gone to an MCPS school with APUSH in 9th and two of them found that it was their only 'hard' class that year (the third found language to also be hard that year). So if in MCPS, don't assume he's working very hard to get the As in those other subjects.

[Anonymous]

We pay for grades. It works and - frankly - is more akin to the real world where high performers get paid more in the workplace (exceptions abound, of course).

Big drop in compensation from an A to a B+. We have bonuses too for perfect GPA and certain milestones on SAT, class rank, etc. My kid decides what his time is worth....and he seems to like money.

It's nice because I'm not actually pressuring and following up. He wants to make some coin and pushes himself. Win-win for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "tiger mom" parenting is not the same as "successful Asian parenting" where you encourage maximizing one's potential.

Your kid seems to be already pushing himself to be the best, so you don't need to do much here. If you want to mess him up, then take up "tiger mom" techniques. But if you want him to make the most of himself, then just be supportive.

Why is the word "Asian" necessary in your first sentence?

Because "tiger mom" originally referred to Asian parenting. Look it up.

I realize that. But your post would have been crystal clear without perpetuating a stereotype that applies to some , not all , Asian parents,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay for grades. It works and - frankly - is more akin to the real world where high performers get paid more in the workplace (exceptions abound, of course).

Big drop in compensation from an A to a B+. We have bonuses too for perfect GPA and certain milestones on SAT, class rank, etc. My kid decides what his time is worth....and he seems to like money.

It's nice because I'm not actually pressuring and following up. He wants to make some coin and pushes himself. Win-win for us.

But if your child was not capable of the “top dollar” performance, but absolutely trying his best…what would you do? Or if you saw his mental health suffering, to please you two?