should i up my tiger mom game?

[Anonymous]

DS is a freshman. Very good student, does all his work with no parental involvement, currently getting all As and a high B in AP US history with minimal effort, plus ~2hrs of intense practice for his sport a day.
Generally we've been pretty hands off. We expect him to put in effort in school, exposed him to a lot in childhood, but did not really push hard on any academic enrichment or even monitor homework. He goes to public school. Participating in the intense sport is 100% his choosing - he may or may end up good enough, or interested enough, to participate in college. Otherwise he's a pretty ordinary kid with a good group of friends.

I'm wondering if, now that he's in high school, we should up our game. We're a donut hole family, so ultimately, where he goes to college will depend on aid offers, and while DH and I are of the mind that he is likely to be successful wherever he ends up, DS himself is focused on going to a very good school. If we doubled down, hired a tutor, or just did extensive review with him before those AP history tests, I'm pretty sure that high B in his AP class could be an A. I just don't know if that's worth it, and this college game is all new to me.

I feel this trade off between helping him get into the best school possible, but with a load of perhaps unnecessary stress and parental involvement, and letting him continue to be the one in the drivers seat and modeling balance instead of achieve-at-all-costs. Curious what those who have been through the college process think.

[Anonymous]

Please read Never Enough by Jennifer Wallace. I consider myself a hands off parent who doesn’t push but I learned a lot and wish I’d read it sooner. As a donut hole family I understand the concern about eligibility for merit aid but I assure you that there is plenty of merit aid if you don’t pin all your hopes on a few brand-name schools.

[Anonymous]

What does a very good school mean to your son? The very top schools don't offer merit aid-- does that mean they are not options? Ron Lieber, The Price You Pay For College, may be a good read. He encourages parents to have frank convos with their kids... it's not about being a tiger mom, but you can be honest about how academic performance can be tied to aid offers, and what your hopes/expectations are. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

A high B?

Unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

I feel like "tiger mom" parenting is not the same as "successful Asian parenting" where you encourage maximizing one's potential.

Your kid seems to be already pushing himself to be the best, so you don't need to do much here. If you want to mess him up, then take up "tiger mom" techniques. But if you want him to make the most of himself, then just be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Tell him if he’s serious about the selective schools, B’s won’t help. It’s not that tutors are required—first I’d see if he is willing to go beyond “minimal effort.”

[Anonymous]

I think the only sane approach is to raise kids who can be happy and successful attending (and after attending) a reasonably wide range of colleges and then emphasize to them that admissions are a crap shoot and that what they do once they are at college matters more than which one of 10 or 15 or 20 they end up going to.

[Anonymous]

OP taking AP US History in 9th is a challenge. Most school districts save it for 10th or 11th, so he's doing well in that regard.

But I would help him get it to an A, unless he is fiercely STEM orientated.

If he wants a high ranking school he's going to need all A grades anyway.

[Anonymous]

I suppose it depends, what type of school are we talking about? Does he want to go to Harvard or Duke? Or does he want to go to like BC or Wake Forest?

[Anonymous]

What does he say? When you tell him what a “top” school would really require, does he want to buckle down? Or does he think that a slightly lower rank college and a fun high school experience would be preferable?

[Anonymous]

Curious as to which sport you keeping referring as "intense" ? (wrestling ? gymnastics ? or ???)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious as to which sport you keeping referring as "intense" ? (wrestling ? gymnastics ? or ???)

Your response to the above should help me to better understand your viewpoint & to make a suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him if he wants a tutor? I'd offer support given his stated goals, but not demand.

[Anonymous]

I am not a Tiger Parent, but do consider As to be expected. My son, who has learning disabilities but is a methodical, hard-working person, had straight As in most of his dozen APs and other courses taking in high school. He had tutors for some subjects, which I consider part of a normal education (my mother and siblings had governesses and tutors at home, why not this generation of kids?).

Please retire the Tiger Parent concept and parent according to your lights and the kid you have.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP but just the title of this post is kind of ick. Your kid is in 9th grade. If you really want to screw him up start taking a perfectly well adjusted and motivated kid and try to push him and improve him in some other direction. Your job as a parent should be to give them confidence to do what is right for them - and let them do it their way.