Who should be responsible for the maintenance of parents' grave if you're an only child and you're not local?

[Anonymous]

I live next to a cemetery. If there was a bush that I noticed that needed a bit of pruning and was clearly neglected, I’d pitch in. Where I am from everyone at the church cleans the cemetery once a year. While technically plots are the immediate family’s responsibility, everyone usually pitches in. It’s sad your uncle can’t take 10 minutes with pruning shears and tidy it up.

[Anonymous]

This is your job. If you can't be there, hire someone. If you plant something, you need to care for it if it's not in the contract for the place to care for it. Your relatives didn't plant the bush. You see judgmental that your relatives don't maintain or even visit the grave. They have a right to honor their loved ones however they chose. Visiting a grave is not the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your job. If you can't be there, hire someone. If you plant something, you need to care for it if it's not in the contract for the place to care for it. Your relatives didn't plant the bush. You see judgmental that your relatives don't maintain or even visit the grave. They have a right to honor their loved ones however they chose. Visiting a grave is not the only way.

An unpaid labor.

[Anonymous]

Take out the bush.

This is one of the reasons I will be cremated and have my ashes spread somewhere. I don’t want to be a burden after I am dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yank out the bush. If you don't have perpetual care at the cemetery maybe hire a task rabbit.
My dad is buried in perpetual care cemetery. Mom in VA Cemetery with her 2nd husband. I last visited either maybe 2012.

+1
Take out the bush for sure. You live too far away for anything else to be a reliable solution.

[Anonymous]

Another only child here with a parent buried overseas. I think your uncle's comment was really passive-aggressive and meant as a reproach, albeit an indirect one. I agree with an earlier poster who said your relatives were probably annoyed because someone they knew pointed out the condition of the bush. Clearly, your relative took it personally as a reflection on themselves or the family name. They might also harbor negative feelings about you moving far away from home as an adult. All that is their problem, not yours.

Ignore them. It was rude of them to even bring it up to you and, if they cared so much, they could silently take care of the bush themselves or pay someone else to do it. I paid for someone to tend to my mother's grave several times a year for a while. Eventually the remains were moved to an ossuary, which doesn't require any tending. I don't visit the cemetary anymore when I go to my mother's home country. It's been almost 20 years. I choose other ways to honor my mother, like taking my daughter to my mother's home country regularly and spending time with her relatives.

If you don't feel the need to visit or tend to the grave yourself, then don't. Just do what feels right to you, not what some relatives you rarely see think you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Your uncle is incredibly rude. When you have a chance to visit the grave, you can prune the lavender back or uproot it. The fact that you are asking this question shows that you care.

OP here.

I am annoyed that my uncle texted me about the overgrown bush, out of the blue, because they never, ever get in touch during the year.
He didn't even ask how we are.

I saw them more than a year ago and, again, he didn't ask how we were then. He was just droning on about how financially successful his adult children are, etc.

I mean, my mum was his own sister. Why is it just my responsibility? They live a 10-15 minute drive away from the grave.

Anyway I will cut back the bush next time I visit and also contact the cemetery caretaker and/or a landscaper.

Because you planted it, obviously.

That said, I wouldn't care at all what he thinks, and just let it grow.

[Anonymous]

You planted it you should care for it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a dick. If you do respond (I wouldn't bother) then ask him what he wants planted at his gravesite. Besides him, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My grandparents are buried in various far-off lands in Europe and Asia, and my parents never once mentioned caring for their graves. I believe the cemeteries do it all. It makes sense, since most families aren't local.

You should call the cemetery and ask how the maintenance works, but I doubt you're responsible for it.

In Europe (e.g. France) they often recycle graves. You rent the space for a certain number of years.

I asked a volunteer to look for my 3x great grandparents' gravestones in London. They found the plot but their gravestones are no longer there.

[Anonymous]

I know this is an old thread, but I try to act as though the person who’s giving thinly veiled criticism is trying to give advice

“The lavender is out of control”
“Great, I guess it’s happy there”
“No, it’s messy. You need to trim it”
“Gotcha. I’ll do it the next time I’m there”
“Well, when is that going to be? You need to do it now”
“Uncle Cedric, I live in Springfield. I can’t promise anything”
[continued criticism]
“OK, well, I’m still in Springfield” Repeat, without variation, until he gives up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't ask if you wanted it him to tend it, I just tell him you'll cut it down next time your there. He was probably embarrassed for being called out knowing he could do it. He only cares because someone said something. Your parents certainly don't.

No, he didn't ask if I wanted him to tend it.

None of my relatives ever ask. Probably because they never visit.

I agree with you and I also think he was embarrassed because his neighbor had sent him the picture of the overgrown lavender.

How did he get a photo of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is okay that you do not like your uncle.

He does not have to care for the grave. That would only be a temporary solution anyway, since he is undoubtedly old akso.

Sorry, this adulting stuff is not fun.

+1. Not sure why your uncle is the bad guy here.

NP. Because he is local and it is his sister. Instead of whining to his niece/nephew who is clearly across the country (or in another country) he could do it himself or get one of the local relatives in good shape to do it.

Uncle didn't plant the bush and has no say in these things because he is not next of kin. OP is.
Also he is old enough that his siter has been dead for 15+ years, what makes you think he is in physical shape to be out doing landscaping work?

[Anonymous]

I would just ignore the complaints and let the bush go crazy. If the entire cemetery is overrun with lavender, I don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live next to a cemetery. If there was a bush that I noticed that needed a bit of pruning and was clearly neglected, I’d pitch in. Where I am from everyone at the church cleans the cemetery once a year. While technically plots are the immediate family’s responsibility, everyone usually pitches in. It’s sad your uncle can’t take 10 minutes with pruning shears and tidy it up.

You're making an unfair comparison. You are bragging about what a great person you are for being willing to "pitch in" when you live NEXT TO the ceremony. You have no idea how far away the uncle, who you are so critical of, lives from the cemetery. Also, presumably you are able bodied, but have no idea what the uncle's physical condition is.